I Want to Hold Your Hand
by Lady Viola Delesseps
Summary: "The girl's cells were exposed to the cordyceps in utero, causing her miraculous immunity. Repeating the experiment may lead to the cure for the human race... if her DNA does not die with her first." This may be humanity's final big mistake... or their saving grace. NOW RATED M
1. Chapter 1

She tried to count the seconds between the flashes on the horizon and the rumbles of thunder chasing each other toward the settlement, but something wasn't adding up. Every time, something just... The girl cursed under her breath.

"I wonder if one-one-thousand is better than one-Missisippi," she murmured. "One-Missisippi seems longer, for some reason."

A voice startled her from her musings.

"Ellie, who're you talkin' to?" She looked up to see Joel standing in the doorway, leaning his arm on the frame, a strange look on his face.

"Nobody. Myself." She swung her legs down from the windowseat, and faced him, bracing her hands backwards on her knees. "Is everything okay?"

Joel took in a deep breath through his nose, and ran a hand over his mouth, but didn't reply. The girl listed her head to one side.

"Sooo, everything's not okay?"

"Everything's fine," he returned. "Tommy and Maria and me were just talkin'."

"I know. I could hear you all the way up here."

Joel's brow furrowed. "Did you hear what we were sayin'?"

Ellie lifted her brows. "I could hear it, but I couldn't understand it. Why? Some... big secret something you don't want me to know about?"

Joel hesitated for a minute, before pulling out the chair that was facing the wall, and moving Ellie's backpack to the floor. The little monster regarded him balefully with its one mud-splattered eye until Joel nudged it over with the toe of his boot, and looked up to see Ellie fixing him with a stare. He took another deep breath.

"I know," Ellie began. "I know you think that I 'don't need to be worried' by all the stuff that you and Tommy are trying to figure out, and that's okay." She bobbed her head. "None of my business."

"Ellie –" Joel interjected, lifting a hand.

"It's not that, that's fine. I mean, I'm not a kid, and it's okay for you to tell me stuff, and I think it's really stupid to go pretending –"  
"Ellie –" Joel tried again, and she paused. "Just listen for a second, and you'd –"

"It's that I _heard my name_, Joel," she said, leaning forward, punctuating her words with an emphatic gesture. "I kept hearing my name – and so I know you're talking about me but you won't tell me." She subsided into the window and pulled her knees up to her chest, her voice dropping. "Which is fine, I guess, just getting old."

He leaned back. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you've been doing this always, haven't you? First with Tess, then with -"

"Ellie, what is goin' on with you? You know I've –" Joel broke off and shook his head. "I know I didn't start out real friendly with you, but that was a long time ago, and since then –"

"I just want to have a say, that's all," she murmured. "I'm tired of being talked about and passed around like some sort of..." She groped for the word, but stopped short, shaking her head. "Never mind. Just – never mind."

"It's been a long time since anybody's treated you as anything more than a person – a regular person."

"A _kid_," she snorted. "I'm sixteen."

"Well, alright, but still. Tommy, me, Maria – we all have your best interests at heart."

"What are you, my royal advisers? My presidential cupboard, my – "

"Cabinet," Joel managed, suppressing a smile.

"Whatever." Ellie waved a hand. "Can I be on this decision-making committee? Since I'm the one we're talking about here, anyway?"

The ache that had long been threatening his well-being, beginning someplace behind his heart, came to once again and nudged Joel with the sense of how great his responsibility was toward this being, this valuable key to the future wrapped up in a little girl – young woman's – body. He had made the decision, he had lied to her to try and preserve a sense of normalcy – whatever that was – so that she could live like she should, and not be experimented on like a lab rat. He had fought this for a long time; the idea that what Tommy and Maria and he had been discussing was really only a different version of the same story. Without the driving-off-into-the-sunset ending.

"I'm not goin' to do this right now," Joel muttered, standing to his feet. He caught sight of the guitar propped in the corner and gestured to it. "Heard you earlier. You're getting' good. Keep workin' on that F chord –"

"My hands aren't big enough," she shrugged. "Can I come down and talk with Maria?"

"She's on duty." Joel crossed the room and grasped the guitar by its neck. "Come on then, show me what you're doin' with that third –"

"Joel." Ellie's eyes were wide, and the room grew silent except for the spitting of rain against the windowpane and the low hum of the generator across the power plant. "Why'd you come up here?"

Joel stood still for a moment, seeming to find the floor infinitely more interesting than Ellie's face. He replaced the guitar in the corner, hearing it thump with a quiet echo. He had nearly gotten out of this one.

"You're supposed to be talking about whatever it was you decided. And I'm supposed to be listening," Ellie explained, her uncanny perception giving Joel a slight shiver.

"You don't know that," he murmured.

"Wanna bet? Tommy and Maria sent you up here, 'cause you know me better than they do."

Joel felt his head nodding in spite of himself. "Alright. Yeah. But this ain't goin' to be something you want to hear, so don't be expectin' a surprise birthday party or nothin'."

Ellie snickered. "No party? Man."

Joel felt his heart rate speed up, and wondered why suddenly his pulse was hammering in his ears like when he was fighting the infected, when all he was doing was talking to Ellie about their plan. His subconscious berated him. _All he was doing._..

"Right, so, you know what we talked about on our way back here?" Joel began, clearing his throat. Ellie nodded.

"Yeah. About the Fireflies, and the vaccination, and all that – " Ellie hesitated, and supplemented the gap with one of Joel's own choice words.

"Yeah. All that," he echoed her. "We're trying to make up for lost time. And I want to make it up to you for what I said."

"For _lying,_" she corrected.

"For lyin' to you." Joel looked her in the eye. "And we've gone over this. But the fact is..." He lowered his eyelids in a blink, and somehow, before the darkness, he seemed to see Ellie as the freckled kid he'd known as they traveled across the United States. After he opened them again, she was still there, but not as freckled. A little taller, more formed. He'd tried to ignore the things he'd noticed over the past year of life falling into a routine at Tommy's, but here they were, staring him in the face with a pair of big green eyes.

"You didn't deserve that. You deserve to make all your own choices, and not have people pick and choose what they think you should know."

Ellie let out a whistle. "Listen to you. Is this was Tommy wanted you to say?"

"No," Joel replied firmly. "Now, Ellie, you're maintainin' you're an adult and all, and I've seen you act like someone twice your age on more occasions that one. I hope this can be one of those times again, because what I have to say to you ain't goin' to be easy to hear."

Ellie nodded her head, brushing her hair from her eyes. "Alright. Go for it."

There was a long silence.

"So, you know you're immune."

Ellie stared at him. "Psh. Really? Thanks for telling me! I'd never have figured it out."

"Cute," Joel murmured. "So, there's no vaccine. We talked about that."

"Yup."

"I've struggled with what's the right thing to do, and I know I acted selfishly. I didn't want nothin' to happen to you, so that whole idea went down the drain. No vaccine, no more immunity. When you die, that'll be it."

"Smooth," Ellie added, nodding her head. "Real smooth."

"Can you be serious for once?" Joel burst out. "This ain't one of your jokes."

"'Kay." She thumped her heels against the wall beneath her. "I'm serious."

"What'd I say?"

"When I die, my immunity dies with me."

"Exactly." Joel fixed her with a stare. "So, you get it?"

Ellie looked at her lap for a long moment, and then looked up. "I get it. The world is going down the toilet because of what you did."

Joel sat in stunned silence for a few seconds. "Ellie, that's not it," he said at last.

"Well, it's true."

"Maybe. But there ain't no law anywhere that says anybody's blood has to die with them."

"What, you mean like donate it? I thought nobody did that anymore."

Joel shut his eyes. "I mean, Ellie, you can't die without havin' kids. If you have kids, your immunity would be passed on."


	2. Chapter 2

Ellie sat in shocked silence for a long moment, her mouth slightly agape. At last she recovered her powers of speech, and the first word she uttered made Joel wince. The second word she uttered was, "No."

"What do you mean 'no'?" Joel asked. "I didn't ask you a question, I just told you a fact."

"Well, my answer is no," she retorted, getting to her feet. "I can't get married. I don't want to have kids!"

"Now, Ellie, settle down," Joel said, standing, and lifting a hand in a calming gesture. "Nobody's askin' you to do a darn thing right now."

"Oh, yeah?" Her voice rose. "But in the future, what then?"

"You can't make a decision like that now, you don't know what might happen,. You're only sixteen."

"_Only_ sixteen?" She stared at him in disbelief. "I'm not hearing that right. There's no only. I'm sixteen. Six – _whole_ – teen! And I can make a decision like that for myself!"

"I need you to lower your voice," Joel said in a measured tone. "I don't bet you want Tommy comin' up here askin' if everything's alright."

Ellie closed her mouth at this, and tossed herself prone onto the windowseat, clamping the single ancient pillow over her head, only to sit up in a coughing fit. Joel watched, resisting the urge to smile, and when she had finally gotten her breath again, after a drink of water from the amazing marvel of the running tap in the bathroom, he met her eyes.

"Alright?"

"Fine," she mumbled, her voice a little husky. "That's a heck of a thing to try and spring on someone, though."

The rain had intensified, filling the room with the sound of the droplets hitting the patched roof and sliding topsy-turvy over each other to cascade from the eaves into the collection barrels. Joel heaved a sigh.

"So. That's what we've been talkin' about."

"And it only just now crossed your mind to tell me?" Ellie could hardly believe her ears. She stared at the ceiling, and traced the pattern with her finger in the air, the parallel lines of a double crack that joined a corrugated patch. The one that she thought looked like how she imagined a teleportation device to look, like in Savage Starlight. Maria had given her some paper and encouraged her to write what she thought should happen in the next installment of the series, and she'd done her best. She didn't have many ideas for the story, but a lot of ideas for pictures, so the sequel was a bit hard to follow. Only Ellie really knew how it was supposed to go, and one time she had sat Joel down and explained all the drawings to him. Apparently she needed to work a little more on making her art stand on its own.

"It was a hard talk to have. Everyone had different opinions," Joel murmured, running a hand over his beard.

"Hm," Ellie responded, her voice far-away. "Which was yours?"

Joel sighed. "I told them we shouldn't make you do somethin' you don't want to."

"Heck, yeah."

"Tommy thinks I was an idiot to do what I did. Maria disagrees, and said that I was right, but that we have to think about the repercussions – the... consequences. And that I should talk to you about, you know – fixing it."

"Tell me this." Ellie swung her legs back down and squinted, hugging the derelict pillow to her stomach. "Why am I supposed to be fixing the consequences of your choice?"

Joel's brows drew together. "I saved your _life_, Ellie. Is it too much to ask that you work with me here?"

"What do you mean?" Her face seemed to lose a shade or two of color. Joel shut his eyes.

"I mean, of course, that you think about cooperatin'. Just for a little while, entertain the idea that this might work."

"How." She didn't phrase it like a question. Joel was unsure of what exactly she meant, and decided to err on the side of caution.

"I mean... cooperate. Realize this could work and let us –" he gestured helplessly. "Let us help you find someone you could like, and someday have a family with."

Ellie's face still bore traces of her earlier horror. "No," she murmured. "I'm sorry, Joel. I can't do that."

"Why not, baby girl?" Joel asked in a quiet voice, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. "Why not?"

She looked at the floor. "I don't really want to talk about it."

Joel inhaled. "I know that this... this is a mighty sensitive topic. And you probably never thought about it much."

Ellie let out a small laugh, but it was mirthless. "No kidding. It freaks me out."

"And I know that after... what that son of a –"

Ellie shook her head. "Don't. It's fine. I'm just... not crazy about the idea. One, I'm a kid. Two, it freaks me out. Three, I don't think I'll ever fall in love, and then there's no point. And four, I kinda just want to live life for a while and not worry about all this immunity business." She shrugged. "Selfish, I know."

"Yeah. You hear yourself?" Joel's voice was still pitched low, and Ellie had leaned forward, so that the room seemed to shrink around them, and the whole world now consisted of the small patch of floor between their shoes on which both their eyes were focused, and the sounds of each others voices in their ears.

"You're thinkin' like I was, and like I still do. Selfish. Now, I'm not askin' you to do something that I couldn't, that ain't fair. I'm only askin' that you try. You better try to be a better person than I am, or the whole world's goin' to be pretty screwed up. 'Cause I've messed up big time."

"Like when?"

"Lots," Joel replied simply. "So, think about it." He got to his feet, and put a hand on Ellie's head for a brief moment. "We all care about you, here."

"I know." Her voice was small. "Thanks."

Joel knew he should leave about now, but somehow his feet didn't budge. He stood there for a long moment, and finally asked, "What're you thinkin'?"

His patience did not go unrewarded.

"So, say I decide to do what you want." Ellie looked up. "Say this is all going to work, and we decide, oh, in ten or twenty years, yeah, I'll fall in love."

"Ten or twenty years? Kid, you gotta make a decision before then, or I'll be long gone. I want to see this, and I ain't as young as I look."

"Okay, fine, so ten or fifteen." Ellie held out her hands. "I'm doing the best I can."

Joel nodded. "Alright. So?"

"So..." Ellie pursed her lips. "What if I fall in love with a girl?"

Joel did his best not to let his face reflect his thoughts. "Honey," he sat back down. "You're a smart kid, and I ain't goin' to go into detail, but if the point in this is to pass on your immunity, I'll bet you can work the answer to that one out."

"But what if I do? I can't just marry somebody I don't like, right? I mean like Maria and Tommy." Ellie waved a hand. "They fell in love, so they got married. It has to go in that order, doesn't it?"

"It doesn't have to," Joel began, but seeing her face, decided to stop there. "But for you I wouldn't want it to be in any other order."

Ellie shook her head. "Why can't the world be simpler..." she groaned, pulling her hairtie from her hair and intertwining her fingers close to her scalp in a classic gesture of agony.

"Believe me, I wonder the same thing," Joel murmured in sympathy.

"You going to tell Tommy what I said?"

Joel hesitated. "He's goin' to ask."

"I know."

"What should I tell him?"

Ellie looked up. "Tell him I'm going to try not to be selfish."


	3. Chapter 3

Maria was sound asleep when a noise jerked her from the world of dreaming and left her blinking in the dark. She had returned from duty late, and fallen asleep almost immediately. The only sounds that she could hear were the noises of Tommy's snoring, the ever-present ambiance of the generator, and the distant rush of the river. The rain had stopped, and she closed her burning eyes, preparatory to return to her slumbers when she heard it again – a light knocking on the door.

She sat up, fingering her pale hair behind her ears, and clicked on her flashlight, shielding its glow with her hand, and making her way to the door. Tommy's snores continued uninterrupted, and she pulled it open to reveal Ellie, her hair mussed, peeping from the shadows.

"Everything alright, Ellie?" Maria asked, looking over the girl's shoulder with her light, and seeing Joel slumbering, his back to them, on the sofa.

"Yeah, sorry to bother you." Ellie looked at her feet for a moment. "I'd like to talk to you, if that's okay."

"Sure, hold on just a second." Maria used her shielded light to locate her boots, and slipped them on, returning to the door, and beckoning Ellie to follow her. "Let's go out onto the porch, so we don't bother the guys."

Ellie followed the woman silently, and once they were outside, the fresh air of the rain-washed night surrounding them, they sat on the edge of the ragged wooden platform, and she inhaled a deep breath.

"Smells amazing," Ellie commented. "Like all the dirt and horrible stuff is gone for a while."

"Right you are." Maria leaned back against a support, and crossed her arms against the slight chill. "So, what's bothering you, sweetie?"

"Nothing, I just... thinking." Ellie shrugged, swinging her legs, her feet bare. She liked Maria, but didn't always know how to show it. She liked it when Maria called her 'sweetie'. She liked it when she'd hug Ellie, give her secret looks in the middle of a conversation with 'the guys' and the way she cooked amazing food and let Ellie have seconds as many times as she wanted. She took a deep breath. "Joel came and talked to me, and... I reacted like a total jerk."

Maria looked curious. "Really. That wasn't the way he told it."

"What did he tell you?" Ellie braced her hands on either side of her, and shifted, regarding Maria in the dim light from the yellow lamp in the middle of the compound.

"He said he'd told you what we'd been discussing, and you were a little resistant at first, but took it pretty well, all things considered."

Ellie raised her eyebrows. "Hm. Well, that's not how I'd have put it."

"How would you have put it?" Maria's eyes were smiling.

"More like, Joel tried to talk but I wouldn't let him, and when I finally let him, I freaked out and acted like a total idiot, and he was really nice, but I still gave him a heck of a time because it was hard for me to hear." She nodded. "That's what I would have said."

Maria grinned. "That's okay, and I don't really see a contradiction between the two." She sobered just a little. "So, it freaked you out?"

Ellie nodded. "Yeah," she breathed. "A lot. I don't want to have kids."

"Why not?"

"Well, you kind of have to have kids with someone else, right? And there isn't anyone I like enough for that."

Maria put her arm around the girl, and gave her a brief hug. "Mhm. It's a scary subject. You're not the only one, and both you and Joel are brave to have had the conversation anyway."

Ellie nestled into Maria, feeling her hair rumple comfortably against her shoulder. "Sooo... you and Tommy. Do you want to have kids?"

Maria was quiet for a moment, running her fingers up and down the sensitive skin on the back of Ellie's sleeve-clad arm, making her shiver happily, and squirm in closer. Maria smiled down at the top of the girl's head, and replied:

"We do. Well, we did."

"What do you mean?" Ellie tilted her face up and looked at Maria. Her gaze was fixed someplace ahead of her, her voice low.

"We can't. I can't."

"Why not?" Ellie pulled away, and crossed her legs. "I mean, it just never works?"

"I had an injury when I was about your age. Deep wound to the stomach – my father had to keep the bandits away from the plant by himself until I healed. It was almost two months before I was back on my feet again. It made sense then, that I'd never be able to have children, but I didn't give it much thought. Tommy and I have tried." She chuckled. "Believe me, we've tried, but apparently it's not meant to be."

Ellie looked at her lap. "Oh. Sorry."

"It's alright. You know, that's one of the reasons I'm glad you came back. Sometimes," she leaned in confidentially, "Sometimes in my head I pretend like you're my little sister. Or my daughter."

Ellie bobbed her head. "Glad that it makes you happy. Hope I'm a good little sister. Or daughter."

Maria smiled. "So, any other thoughts?"

"I don't know." Ellie flopped back and tipped her face skywards, making a disgruntled noise. "I don't know, but I don't feel like Joel wouldn't understand. I don't feel like you'd really understand either, but at least you're a girl."

Maria nodded. "Noted." She lay back by Ellie's side and they remained thus in silence for a long while. At last Ellie spoke again.

"Maria – how did you know you were in love with Tommy? I mean, how did you figure it out and when, and what did you do?"

"Ellie..." Maria took a deep breath. "I think I should tell you that things never happen the same way twice. Whatever I tell you is only what happened to me. My experience."

"But I have no experience," Ellie retorted. "Or... basically no experience." She bit her lip.

"You want to talk about it?" Maria turned her face toward the girl. There was a long pause.

"I don't know if I've been in love before," Ellie began, taking a deep breath. "There was someone – someone that I liked so much that it hurt when I wasn't around them, someone I wanted to be with so much because they made me happy, and because I liked to think I made them happy. But I don't know if that was love."

Maria's gaze was fixed on Ellie's face as she talked; she had her eyes squeezed shut, as if thinking very hard about what she wanted to say.

"Sometimes I would imagine that we could be together forever. If she was around, I didn't have to worry about anything else, and when she wasn't, it was like everything got... all horrible, or something..." Ellie trailed off, covering her face with her arm. "Ahh, I don't even know what I'm talking about."

"Was this a best friend?" Maria asked in a quiet voice. "This girl, was she your friend?"

"Yeah." Ellie's voice was muffled by her sleeve. "I totally miss her."

Maria lay in silence next to her for a long moment, until Ellie pulled her arm from her face, and rolled over, her back to Maria. The woman sat up, pulling her legs beneath her and put a gentle hand on Ellie's shoulder, and felt the girl lean back into her knees.

"Ellie," she said at last, her voice quiet. "Don't write that off as nothing. It doesn't sound like you have no experience with love."

"That wasn't what I meant," Ellie murmured, after a beat. "That's one thing. But I just freak out when I think about –" She broke off and shivered, hugging her arms around herself and curling into a smaller ball. "This guy, he tried to – one time, a long time ago, there was this guy..." She stopped short, her mind fogging up. She had tried so hard to forget this, the flames, his weight pressing her into the floor, his breath on her face...

"It's okay, sweetie," she heard Maria say, as if from far away. "It's okay, just take a deep breath." Ellie hadn't even realized she was crying until she tasted the tepid salt of the tears trickling down her cheeks.

"I – he didn't make me too excited about that kind of thing," she choked at last, and felt herself being pulled into an embrace by Maria, even though she felt powerless to return it. Ellie held her breath until the urges to gasp and sob went away, and then she pulled back, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "I don't want to fall in love. I never want to get married to a guy, I don't want to have kids..." Her voice was rising in pitch, and she could feel Maria take both of her hands in hers.

"Listen to me, Ellie. No one is going to make you do something you don't want to do. You have to do what you think is right."

"But that's being selfish," she sniffled. "And I don't want to be selfish."

"There's a fine line between denying yourself to do what's best, and making yourself pointlessly miserable. Can I ask you something?"

Ellie nodded.

"Have you ever liked a boy? A guy, at all?"

Ellie hesitated, and then shrugged. "Sure. Sam was my friend."

"No, I mean, like love. Like a crush."

Ellie took a deep breath. "Look, I don't know. I – I don't think so. But I'm just a kid."

"You're a young woman, Ellie. It's not easy, but I happen to know that you're one of the strongest young ladies out there. So I know that you can figure this out."

"You think so?" Ellie's pupils were enormous in the dim lamplight.

Maria simply kissed her on the forehead, and felt Ellie lean into the kiss, her eyes falling closed as she heaved a giant sigh.


	4. Chapter 4

Some time passed, before the topic arose again. Winter had come, and Ellie's thoughts on the subject of love, procreation, and of men in general were not usually improved by seeing the snow and the bleak memories of the season which had proved to be the hardest for her.

Joel and Ellie had volunteered to venture into the forest to check the thickness of the ice that was narrowing the river a few miles downstream of the plant. The workers had been detecting a steady decrease in power owing to the river's abated pace, to the extent that they had been turning off all the lights except those absolutely necessary, in effort to direct the remaining power to the heating systems. Joel had loaded up his axe, a measuring rod, and a sledgehammer, and Ellie had pulled on her boots and flannel, asking if she could accompany him.

"Why, you getting' cabin fever?" Joel asked, cinching the girth on his horse's saddle, and testing it with one foot in the stirrup. He grunted and tugged it one notch tighter as the horse shifted restlessly. "Gettin' skinny," he muttered, giving the beast an apologetic pat.

"Something like that," Ellie shrugged, handing him the bridle. Joel slipped it over the horse's nose, and it champed distastefully at the cold bit.

"Yeah, me too," he murmured. "Get your gear, you can ride with me."

"Thanks, but I'll ride by myself."

Joel cocked a brow. "Alright."

Ellie shouldered her backpack which had been reposing in the angle of the improvised stall, and set to tacking up her mount, requiring a bit of help hefting the saddle up above her head.

"Here." Joel grabbed it and settled it on the horse's back, sliding it back ever so slightly, and passing the straps beneath to Ellie, who began to fumble with the cinch.

"Thanks," she mumbled, cursing under her breath. "Stupid buckle."

"Hey." Joel ducked beneath the bay's neck and stood face to face with her. "Somethin' the matter?"

"No," she said, giving the cinch a vicious yank, blinking back the sting of tears in her eyes. This blasted cold weather. Making her eyes water. She left the cinch to dangle, and turned away to wipe her face on her sleeve, catching the warm horsey smell in her clothing, and taking in a deep breath of it. Joel fastened the girth in silence, and then straightened, shifting from one foot to the other and regarding the back of Ellie's ponytail with concern.

"Ellie, whatever's goin' on, if it's about what Tommy and me said –"

"It's not," she blurted, turning around. "It's – not..."

"Then what is it?" Joel asked, infinitely gentle. Ellie took a deep breath.

"Okay, it is," she said at last, pushing her hands deep into the pockets of her flannel. "But it's not what you think."

"I don't think nothin'," Joel said, grabbing the other bridle from its nail and warming the jointed bit in his hands. "Just been wonderin' when this was goin' to come back up, or if you'd forgot."

"I didn't forget." Ellie chuckled dryly. "It's been like, all I can think about. And I hate it." She aimed a kick at a chunk of dried manure. "I want to be able to just live life and not be worrying about what I'm gonna do. About what's wrong with me."

"What do you mean?" Joel reached over the bay's neck and buckled the strap along its jaw.

"Well, there's got to be something wrong with me, or else I wouldn't be having such a hard time with this," Ellie pointed out, as if the conclusion was obvious. "Other people can just _do_ stuff, and it's not this much of a pain."

"First of all, let's set this straight." Joel passed her the bridle, and moved to untie his own horse. "Nobody just _does_ stuff in life, and it's easy. It might look like that to other people, but it ain't easy, I promise."

"So, I just need to get good at pretending it's not a problem," Ellie commented, following Joel into the bright winter sunlight. He swung into the saddle, and Ellie did the same. "Or at least until I figure out what I'm going to do."

Joel kicked his horse into a canter, and they did not speak for a few minutes as they crossed the compound, waited for the gate to be opened, and then descended the gentle slope to the treeline. Ellie caught up to Joel there.

"You ever think that you might not have to _do_ anything?" he said at last. Ellie snorted.

"What do you mean? Of course I have to do something. This isn't going to just happen on its own."

"Well, I know that," Joel drawled, "But you're getting' all hot and bothered over the fact that you don't like someone. You can't do somethin' about that, except just wait for it to happen."

"I don't know if I believe in that," Ellie said, shifting in the saddle, and grasping the bridle in one hand, putting the other in her armpit to warm it, then switching.

"Yeah? I don't believe in it neither. But it happens."

They were quiet for a long time, and at last Ellie broke the silence. They had reached a spot with particularly thick ice built up along the bank, and Joel dismounted with a grunt, draping the reins over a tree branch, and leaving his horse to paw through the snow in search of grass beneath.

"Come'ere, Ellie," he said, beckoning the girl to follow him, and making his way down the mud-striped embankment toward the river's edge, encrusted in ice. Ellie did as she was told, and slid down the last few feet to bump to a stop against Joel.

"Whoah, there," he chuckled. "Got your feet?"

"Yeah," she said, squatting, and rapping on the ice with her knuckles, wincing, and sticking her hand in her mouth. "Geez," she said, around her fingers. "That's thick."

Joel pulled out his rod and made a mark with his knife in the notched wood. "We're gonna break it."

"Really? All of it?"

"As much as we can. Other guys can come back out in shifts, and it'll be all broken up soon enough."

"Won't it just freeze again?" Ellie asked, straightening up and tightening her ponytail.

"Yeah. But it'll take a couple of months to get this thick again. And meanwhile we'll have more power."

"Got it."

Ellie watched as Joel unshouldered his backpack, and released the axe and sledgehammer from where they had been strapped to the sides. He handed the girl the hammer with a warning. "Don't do nothin' til I tell you."

"I won't," she replied, giving the heavy implement a wobbly practice swing, to Joel's obvious disapproval.

"You listenin' to me?"

"Uh-huh." Ellie set the hammer's head on the ice, and leaned on the shaft, her chin on her hands, watching as Joel marked the ice with easy chips from his axe.

"So, this ice. How'd you think it got here?" he asked, bringing down the metal blade with a grunt.

"Well, the river," Ellie said, looking at him as if he had lost his sanity. "The water froze."

"How'd it freeze if it's moving?"

"Well, it didn't all freeze. It's taken since November, and just a little bit freezes. Little layers freeze as the water runs by, and it eventually just built up like this." She crossed her arms, as Joel brought down the axe again. "What are you doing?"

"Choppin' ice, Ellie," Joel replied.

"No, I mean with all these questions."

Joel took a deep breath, and set aside the axe, meeting her eye. "The river didn't stop what it was doin' to get this ice here. It just kept goin', and over time, the ice happened because the air was cold. So you don't have to stop livin' in order to decide what you're gonna do about this. Just keep doin' what you're doin', and when the air is right, ice'll form."

Ellie wanted to make a jibe about how teach-y Joel had gotten, but found she didn't think it would be really appropriate. And... he was – not exactly right, but on a pretty correct path, if you thought about it enough. In fact –

"Okay," she admitted. "That's a good way to think of it."

"Tommy said there's a survivor group from Oklahoma travelin' this way. Their settlement was hit by a tornado." Joel chuckled, and shouldered the axe again. "The last group of bandits comin' through here had attacked 'em, and one of the scouts told 'em apparently if they could get here, they'd be safe." Joel brought the axe down again, burying it deep into the ice, and prying it out with some effort. "Now, Tommy ain't crazy about the idea of people bringin' the infection here, but we can't turn 'em away if they seem to be fine. Maria had the idea to keep 'em in quarantine for a couple a weeks before we let 'em past the dam."

"Cool." Ellie handed Joel the sledgehammer when he reached for it, and he brought it down on the ice, sending cracks splintering out from the area of impact.

"So." Joel hacked the ice again. "Some new people to meet, maybe. Somebody your age..."

"Whoah, whoah, whoah." Ellie shook her head. "Hold on. They're going to _live_ here?"

"This wasn't my idea, Tommy says that we don't have enough people here to hold off the bigger groups of bandits. Plus, we got plenty of room, no infected, and they need a place to stay. Can't see the problem in it."

"Unless you all are setting me up."

"Ellie." Joel chuckled, straightening and handing her the hammer once again. "I know this is on your mind an awful lot, but it ain't necessarily on ours."

"Well, that's good," she murmured. "This is getting weird."

"Only if you make it weird. Alright, this is compromised enough that a few hits should send it breakin' up and floatin' downstream. You want to help?"

Ellie nodded. "Sure."

"Alright, then, you listen to me. Hit it here first," Joel indicated with his boot, "and then here. Don't hit the same place more than once, or it'll break through and you'll fall in with it. We want to do this nice and gentle."

"-with a sledgehammer. Got it," Ellie grinned.

Joel pulled her ponytail. "Alright. Don't want you to hurt yourself, all you're goin' to do is put this up over your shoulder like this," he demonstrated with his axe, and Ellie hefted the hammer to her shoulder, "and then let the weight of the head bring it down. You don't have to swing it at all, you'll pull somethin' if you don't know what you're doin'."

"Alright." Ellie let out her breath. "Like this?"

"Feet apart." Joel nudged her sneaker with his boot. "There you go."

Ellie hauled the hammer away from her back and let it fall to the ice, and a small piece broke off, spinning downstream in the swift-running water.

"Whoo!" she cheered. "Look at that!"

"Alright, you know where next."

"Uh-huh." She hoisted the hammer into position and let it fall again, slightly away from her mark. She swore under her breath. "Lemme try again."

The following blow sent a deep crack running right between her feet, and Ellie stepped away cautiously.

"Good girl. Now hit it again."

From the safety of the bank Ellie wielded the hammer until most of the ice was broken and the river ran as swiftly as before.


	5. Chapter 5

"Man, my arms," Ellie complained as they rode back. "They feel like they're going to fall off."

Joel chuckled. "Builds muscle, work like this."

"I thought I already had muscles. How can you even have muscles there?" She dropped the reins and guided the bay with her legs, feeling the backs of her arms gingerly with her hands. The sun was setting, and the plant's lights above the dam were beginning to flicker on one by one.

"Hey look. Lights." Ellie pointed. "I wonder how much the power is up by."

"I don't know. Ask Tommy."

"I sure hope Maria's made something for dinner..." Ellie sighed happily. "That would be amazing."

They handed their horses off to Earl, who was off-duty, and Joel asked, "Tommy around?"

"Him and Houser went home about half an hour ago," Earl returned over his shoulder.

"Good," Joel murmured. "They've been getting' up before the sun."

Ellie stretched stiffly, having not been in the saddle for some months, and winced at the tender pull of her ligaments and tendons. Then she caught sight of the greyish heap of fur in the shadow of the stables, and hurried over through the snow.

"Buckley," she crooned, scratching the dog behind the ears, and he wagged his tail appreciatively. "Having a good day?"

"Worthless, as ever," Earl chuckled, leading the horses by her. "He's been hiding out there all day, out of the wind."

"I don't blame him," Ellie proclaimed. "If I was a dog, I'd nap all the time. Either that or explore."

"Go on, then, Joel thinks you're following him," Earl chuckled, gesturing to the man whose long strides were already bearing him toward Tommy and Maria's house.

"He always thinks that," Ellie whispered to the dog, giving him a final pat. "Bye, buddy. See you soon." And she jogged to catch up with Joel, her muscles protesting every step of the way.

"Hey," she gasped, coming up to his side. "Thanks for letting me come with you."

"No problem. Thanks for your help, kiddo." Joel draped his arm around her, and Ellie felt herself stiffen.

"Uh." She grasped his wrist and gently extricated herself. "Not to offend you or anything, but I'm not really into hugging."

"Hm." Joel regarded her curiously. "That new?"

Ellie shook her head. "No. Just... a combination of things." She twisted her hands. "Okay. New-ish."

"I see."

They mounted the steps to the porch, and Ellie took them two at a time to reach the top before Joel, looking down at him.

"Ellie?"

"I kinda doubt you see." She bobbed her head. "But thanks anyway."

Maria was heard calling from within. "Joel? Ellie?"

"Yeah!" Ellie vociferated, catching a whiff of something hot and tasty. "Is that dinner? Oh, boy!" She sprinted inside, leaving Joel to scratch his head and follow her at a more staid pace. Complicated little thing.

That night, basking in the light of the lamps on the walls which remained illuminated long after ten o'clock, Tommy and Joel mumbling over their chess game, and Ellie with a roll of duct tape patching her backpack, Maria came and sat next to the girl.

"So, did you tell her?" she asked Tommy, who looked up.

"Check. Hm?" He lifted his eyebrows at his wife. Maria rolled her eyes.

"Ellie. Did you or Joel tell her about the other group coming?"

"I did," Joel replied, as simultaneously Tommy shook his head.

"What do you think?" Maria asked Ellie. "Some new people to meet?"

Something perverse in Ellie decided to play dumb. "Yeah. That'll be cool. Maybe I'll make a friend who likes comics too."

Tommy and Maria exchanged a look. Joel cleared his throat.

"Ellie, you know what Maria means."

"Really?" She raised her eyebrows. "I thought she just meant –"

"Leave the girl alone," Tommy chuckled, giving her a wink. "Maybe there'll be some comic-book-lovin' boy in the lot."

"You all are worse than Pride and Prejudice," Ellie muttered. Joel snorted. "You know!" she exclaimed. "All trying to get everybody to fall in love. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was an amazing book, but in real life it's really weird."

"Where'd you even get that book?" Joel asked. Maria smirked.

"I gave it to her. Smuggled from a trip through the library at the university when I was traveling with Dad. Kept it all these years, because I loved it. I thought I'd give it to Ellie."

"It was awesome..." Ellie groaned in appreciation. "Especially the part where Mr. Collins goes and marries that other girl! I was like, what the heck?" She fell back onto the floor in a fit of laughing. "Ohhh." Ellie wiped her eyes and sat up, resuming her work on her backpack. "So funny."

Maria regarded the girl fondly. "That your favorite part?"

"Totally." Ellie nodded enthusiastically. "Either that or the part where they find out that one guy was like totally into drinking and girls, and they all thought he was really good and stuff."

Joel was resisting the urge to smile, and not doing a very good job.

"Hey, what about that part where Mr. What's-'is-name finally asks the girl to marry him?" Tommy inquired. "That's the part Maria always talked about. Said it was so sweet and all that I got a hold of the book and tried to remember some of the words when I asked her to marry me." Joel snorted. "Hey." Tommy glared. "She accepted." He lifted his hands as if to proclaim his victory.

Ellie cocked her head. "Eh. It was okay. I liked it better when her friend was all like 'marriage is luck' and all that."

"Do you believe that?" Maria queried.

"Psh. No." Ellie bit off the tape and smoothed the end down with her fingers. She stopped short and looked around the quiet room to see all the adults regarding her with various expressions. "What? You guys got all weird." She pushed herself back against the sagging sofa and drew her knees up to her chest. "What are you staring at?"

"Nothing," Maria said, unfolding a stack of faded, water-crinkled paper. "I'm going to show you how to make an envelope."

"Whoah, cool, what is this?" Ellie exclaimed, peering at the faded paper. "It's an atlas. We might need this."

"Not unless we're ever lost in Oregon, and I'm pretty sure we'll get better use out of it this way," Maria smiled. Another hour passed in their quiet pastimes, and Maria was first to retire, leaving Ellie licking and tearing the folded paper. After Tommy had beaten Joel at last, amidst Joel's complaining that he took advantage of the fact that he had the first move as white, Tommy bade everyone goodnight and went to indulge in the luxury of a shower before bed. Joel stood to his feet.

"Arms doing alright?"

"So far," Ellie nodded, biting her lip as she squinted and examined a faulty envelope. She swore under her breath. "Not again."

"Go to bed soon, baby," he murmured, bestowing a kiss on top of her head. "And don't let any of this stuff bug you."

Ellie didn't look up, but said softly, "Then why did you tell me in the first place?"

Joel crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the ground for a moment. "For your good."

"My what?" Ellie shut her eyes in exasperation. "I hate to admit how messed up this has made me."

"Mind if I tell you a story?" Joel said at length, taking a seat on the sofa. Ellie shook her head and Joel took a deep breath.

"Now, I haven't told this to anybody, and nobody knows about it firsthand except Tommy. So, you know about Sarah."

Ellie pivoted on the floor so she could see Joel's face and Joel couldn't help but wish she hadn't done that. Now he was stuck – if he decided to back out, she would read him like an open book.

"Yeah. Maria told me about her."

"Alright. So, she was about your age. Well, about the age you were when I first met you." He didn't need to say when. What had happened when she was Ellie's age. "She was really in to weird music, weird movies, weird clothes..." He chuckled. "She was a weird kid. Kinda like you." Ellie nodded.

"I'll bet I would have liked her."

"Yeah. So, I had her when I wasn't much older'n you are right now. Her mother – her mother was a real pretty thing. And I was young and stupid, and she wasn't much better, but I loved her. We met in school. It was a rough year for me and Tommy, our dad had shot himself over the summer, Mother wasn't doin' so well herself. She never was a real strong person, physically, that is. I had to get another job to help pay for the rent, and through it all, there was this new girl from some school in the far northwest. Her hair was blonde, her eyes were blue, and she liked music."

Ellie was listening raptly, in her eyes the reflected light of the lanterns. Joel found it easier to look away as he talked.

"I brought my guitar to school one day, and played it during lunch, since we didn't have money, and I usually just ate somethin' when I got home. Everybody else'd eat, or listen for a while, but she came over and sat real close at my feet, like you are now," he gestured, "and listened the whole darn time. Didn't even eat lunch, and after I'd finished playin' she asked if I knew some song or another."

"What was it?" Ellie blurted out. Joel rubbed a hand over his beard.

"I don't remember."

"I bet you do."

There was a long pause. "It was called 'House of the Rising Sun'."

"How does it go?"

"Now, I ain't gonna sing it for you, the point is I knew it and I played it and she sang it for me. She sang real nice, she had a good voice. When we finished there wasn't nobody else in the whole room, and we figured we were goin' to be late for class. So we just skipped out for the rest of the day, and that's how it all started."

"How'd it all end?"

"Sarah." Joel took a deep breath. "Her family was just about ready to shoot me. I told 'em I'd do right by her, and marry her if they'd let me, and they said I'd better do just that, or they'd never speak to either of us. So, we got married there, in our last year of high school."

Ellie let out a low whistle. "Were you scared?"

"Like heck. I was just a kid, and there I was, supposed to be takin' care of my Mother and Tommy, and here I'd gone and got a wife and a kid in the space of a year. She moved in with me at home, and that's where Sarah was born. I graduated that spring, but she didn't, on account of takin' care of the baby."

There was a long pause, and Ellie asked in a quiet voice, "What happened to her?"

"We separated when Sarah was five. Things weren't workin' out."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Joel shut his eyes. "She wanted to live her life, go to college... Listen, that ain't the point of that story. The point of that story is that love don't happen when we want it and how we want it. It happens, and I'm not sayin' if it's right or wrong, or easy or good, or nothin'. Just sayin' that's how it is. So don't worry about it. Things'll work out."

"Yeah. People always say that," Ellie murmured. Joel looked her in the eye.

"Hey. Since when do people always say that?"

"Never mind," she murmured, burying her chin in her arms. "Thanks for telling me about Sarah's mom."

The more Ellie thought about it, the more she thought of this story as a trust. Joel didn't say so, but the sheer fact he had confided in her proved that she now had something of him that she was meant to repay. And though she didn't know when, or why, or even how, she fully intended to pay him back. That was when the resolve began, and when it all began to be okay in her mind. It had to be only a matter of time before everything was okay around her as well. It had to be.


	6. Chapter 6

Tommy rose with the sun and sought out Joel before the girls were awake. Well, he did not know for a fact if Ellie was awake, he only decided to let Maria sleep for a little longer, and did his best to dress quietly, and slip out. His older brother was not hard to find. The air was crisp and cold, and though the sun in the day had burned away a good deal of the snow, the air was still enough to make one shiver.

Joel had arisen even before Tommy, and was stationed on one of the catwalks surrounding the main generator of the plant, silently soaking up the rising sun's glow. He heard Tommy's footsteps, but did not turn.

"Mornin'," Tommy greeted, and Joel just shifted his weight to his other leg, hooking a thumb through one of the belt loops of his jeans.

"Good to see the sunrise, ain't it," Tommy offered, and Joel grunted his assent.

"Can't deny that view."

They were silent for a minute longer, and Tommy inched his way into the periphery of Joel's vision.

"Everything alright?" Joel asked at length, and Tommy nodded.

"Yep. I left Maria sleepin' and I guess Ellie's probably gettin' around about now."

Joel nodded. "I bet you're right."

"You really do care about that little girl, don't you..."

"Tommy." Joel favored him with a hard look.

"Don't go bitin' my head off..." Tommy chuckled. "Just commentin'. She's a spunky thing."

Joel snorted. "That's one way to put it."

"I know you don't want no harm to her, none of us do –"

"Look, if you're feelin' bad about pushin' me to talk to Ellie about all this marryin' and havin' kids stuff, then I'd suggest you go about apologizin' some other way," Joel said, scratching his beard. "Because I'm wishin' we hadn't brought it up to her in the first place."

"Now, Joel –" Tommy began but his brother cut in.

"Don't you 'Now, Joel' me." He pointed a finger. "You know that I was right from the beginning."

"There ain't no other way," Tommy murmured. "You know that."

"Yeah, I do, because you keep remindin' me of it every blessed day. But even if Ellie got married tomorrow and had twenty kids, that wouldn't change _nothin_' out there." Joel stabbed a finger toward the horizon, and the general world it encompassed. "Clickers are still runnin' wild, survivors are still getting' infected, and it'd take a hundred generations for this to die out, and by then it won't matter."

"There would be more people who are immune –"

"There would be more people who are inbred, and miserable," Joel spat. "And you know that. It's a darn shame. And it's a terrible waste of Ellie's happiness."

"Now, you're talkin' like this is goin' to ruin her life," Tommy chuckled. "All we're sayin' is to be purposeful about this marryin' and havin' kids business."

"Tommy, if it was goin' to happen on it's own, it's goin' to happen on it's own!" Joel exclaimed, casting a look over his shoulder as Buckley began to bark. He dropped his voice. "All we've done is make it a bigger deal than it ought to have been."

Tommy took a deep breath of the chilly air, and held it for a moment, before letting it out again. "That's your opinion."

"Listen here, baby brother," Joel said, his voice sarcastic. "You ain't the one that had to look her in the face and tell her this. You ain't the one that has to listen to her cute stupid questions. You ain't the one that –"

"Everything alright up here?"

Both men turned to regard Maria, her arms crossed, looking at them pointedly in the warm morning sunlight. Tommy cleared his throat.

"Yep. Everything's fine."

She shook her head. "Stop talking about it already. Ellie can find her own way."

"Joel's just gettin' –"

"Just _stop – talking – about it._" Maria's eyes were cold. The patter of bare feet on the metal stairs was heard behind her and Ellie bounded to the top, panting, her hair askew, her clothing rumpled.

"Holy moly," she breathed. "The sun looks huge."

In the clear morning light Ellie's face looked young and clean, free of any shadow. Her shirt hung limply from her form, and Joel realized with some discomfort that Ellie had apparently not bothered to get dressed from the underlayers out... if that was a delicate way to put it. She folded her arms across her chest, and Joel cursed inwardly, hoping she had not noticed his staring. Maybe she used to be able to get away with this, but not now.

"Sun's always this size, kid," Joel murmured. "Just looks bigger when it's risin' or settin'."

"How'd you sleep?" Tommy asked.

Ellie shrugged. "Good. You?"

"Good." Tommy grinned.

"Maria let you come out here with no shoes?" Joel scowled. "Gettin' frostbite about now sounds like a great idea, don't it?"

Ellie rolled her eyes, dancing from foot to foot. "It's not that cold."

Tommy put his arm around Maria. "So, we all just goin' to have a family reunion up here?"

"Actually –" Ellie said, putting her hands on her hips. "Me and Maria made breakfast. It's –"

"-A surprise," Maria interrupted, her eyes twinkling at Ellie. "Come on down if you want to see."

"See?" She swore excitedly. "I hope you want to taste!" Ellie began to follow Maria down the stairs, and her voice drifted back up to the men. "Because I sure do..."

Tommy found himself chuckling, and thumped Joel on the back.

"Comin'?" he asked, beginning to descend the stairs.

"In a second..." Joel murmured, squinting, as he caught sight of something moving among the trees. Shouts were heard from the various look-out points farther along the dam, and Joel shielded his eyes with his hand.

"Tommy –" he called, arresting his brother's steps down below. "There's somethin' comin'."

More shouts were heard, and Joel descended the stairs two at a time to join Tommy on the ground, just as Houser hurried up and said, "Tommy, they're askin' for you at the gate. Some new arrivals."

"Bandits?" he asked, as their steps took them quickly toward the south gate.

"No. Refugees."

"The Oklahoma group," Joel breathed.

"I didn't think they were comin' until the spring," Tommy said.

"I didn't think they were comin' at all," Joel murmured. "I was beginnin' to think they weren't goin' to make it."

There was a great commotion at the gate as several of the men on duty argued with each other, and with the look-outs above. Shouting came from the other side of the wall, and Tommy lifted his voice above the racket.

"What is goin' on?"

"Group here!" a look-out called. "From Oklahoma, they say they're not infected –"

"Open the gate and let one of 'em through. Just one!" Tommy vociferated. "We'll talk. And stop pointin' your guns at the rest of 'em for Pete's sake. They can't do nothin' to us out there."

The gate was cranked open just a notch, and a ragged man was pushed through, wearing a dirt and blood-stained overcoat and bearing a military rucksack. His face was covered with a thick black beard, his head with overgrown dark hair, and his pale eyes shone brightly from his haggard face.

"Are you Tommy?" he said, the familiar southwestern accent tugging at Tommy's ears.

"I am. This is my brother Joel."

They did not shake hands, neither made a move to touch the other in any way.

"We're from Oklahoma. There were twenty-four of us to start out with, but there's only seventeen now. We lost a few people when the tornado hit our settlement –"

"Where were you living?" Tommy was searching this man's tale for credibility.

"Middle of nowhere, ghost town that we fortified."

"Any infected in your town?"

"We shot 'em all." The man pushed his hair from his eyes as a slight breeze arose. "Lived there for some time, population hit twenty-five when my wife had a baby, but it died."

Joel interrupted, "Cut the anecdotes and answer the questions."

"Fair enough." He took a deep breath. "Tornado hit early summer. Took out all of our defenses, killed five, and we had no more ammunition, so we hit the road. Heard about this settlement of Fireflies out east, so headed for them, but they were all dead before we got there."

"Soundin' familiar," Joel murmured.

"Has any of your group gotten infected?" Tommy demanded.

"Two. One not too far from home, we shot him. The other someplace near the border of Kansas, we tied her up and left her behind."

Tommy nodded. "Alright. We're goin' to keep you in quarantine for two weeks outside the plant, and after that you're safe to come in. We'll get you supplies, but you report any signs of illness immediately, you understand?"

The man nodded. "Thank you. We're real grateful to have made it this far. Name's Matthew."

Tommy took his hand and shook it.

"Alright, Matthew. Set up camp on the other side of the river, and let us know if you need anything while you're there."

Matthew nodded, and was let back out through the gate. Tommy let out a long breath.

"Well, they're here."

Joel nodded. "They are here."


	7. Chapter 7

Two weeks passed quickly, and as soon as Ellie was told of the Oklahomans' arrival, she grew rather quiet. Nevertheless, she spent a good deal of time upstairs in her room, face pressed against the grimy glass, trying to see out over the wall of the compound.

Exactly fourteen days later, Tommy and Joel ventured without the gate, to check on the quarantined encampment. Ellie stayed behind wordlessly as the men left, helping Maria dry the dishes. Everything seemed so terribly quiet, both inside the house and outside, when a gunshot split the air.

Ellie jumped and dropped the cup she was drying, and it shattered on the floor.

"Sorry," she exclaimed, dropping to her knees, and beginning to swipe at the shards with her hands. "Sorry, I didn't mean to."

Maria glanced out the window, and then turned to Ellie. "Something is going on," she murmured, grabbing her rifle from the corner and striding toward the door. "Don't worry about it, and put on some shoes," Maria called over her shoulder.

Ellie left the mess and raced upstairs, arming herself with her pistol, checking the magazine and seeming satisfied that four rounds remained. Sticking it in the waistband of her pants and doing her best to conceal the lump with her shirt, she hurried back down the stairs and out into the cold morning once again. The hard ground stung her feet, but Ellie focused on just moving, trailing after Maria. Voices reached them, and it seemed a scuffle was going on somewhere outside the gate.

The guards had their rifles trained on the crowd of people just across the river, and Maria hurried across the dam, Ellie right behind her.

"What's going on?" she breathed, but Maria didn't hear her. Dingy tents were set up along the treeline, and some twenty inhabitants were bunched together around a man with dark hair and a beard who had wrestled another man to the ground and prised his weapon from him. Joel and Tommy were sighted, and the man who had pinned the other was vociferating:

"Idiot! Couldn't you keep your finger off the trigger long enough to –"

"Alright, that's enough," Joel put in. The black-bearded man continued to shout over the remonstrances of the man in the snow, and Joel raised his voice. "I said, that's enough. It was an accident."

Tommy pulled the man off his companion, and the other man got to his feet. His hair was also black, but he sported no beard. He looked at the snow, chest heaving, as the other man approached him once again.

"Foolhardy kid," he spat, and the younger man lifted his eyes.

"I said I was sorry," he retorted, his voice clear in the still morning air.

"Oh yeah? Try saying that to the would-be widow of the fella you almost shot!"

Maria waded into the fray, lifting her voice. "That'd be me. What is going on?"

The hubbub quieted, and Tommy cleared his throat.

"This is Maria. And son, I know it was an accident. Just be careful with that thing."

"I know how to handle a gun. I just didn't know we were expecting you today," he muttered.

"You should'a paid more attention," the bearded fellow snapped.

Tommy gestured to the man, his eyes on his wife. "This is Matthew."

Maria nodded. "Maria."

"Pleased to meet you." Matthew took a deep breath. "No signs of infection. I told you we're clean."

"Alright." Tommy nodded. "You need a hand packing up camp?"

Matthew's eyes twinkled. "I think we got it, thank you very much." He seemed to catch sight of something, and listed his head to one side. "This your daughter?"

Ellie looked at Maria, then realized he was talking to her. "Oh! No, a friend. Of Joel's." She gestured, and then stuck out her hand. "I'm Ellie."

"Nice to meet you." He lifted an eyebrow at Joel. "Your young'ns not wear shoes?"

"Ellie..." Joel remonstrated, looking at her feet. "What're you doin'?"

"In a hurry!" she explained, and caught sight of a spattering of blood behind her in the snow. She cursed under her breath. "What the heck..."

"You're bleeding." Ellie looked up to see the man who had misfired when Tommy and Joel approached the camp. He eyed her feet.

"Yeah, I guess," Ellie muttered. "Must have stepped on a piece of that stuff. I broke a cup."

"This's my son, also Matthew. We call him Matt," Matthew explained. "And I swear I taught him how to use a gun." He snorted. "Fat lot a' good it did him."

The young man's face flushed dark. "Just leave it," he growled. Ellie grinned at him.

"Hey, the first time I fired Joel's gun he said I almost blew his head off when I actually saved his life." She wrinkled her nose. "So, we're even."

Matt nodded appreciatively, his face still an odd color. "Thanks," he managed.

"Name's Ellie." She stuck out her hand, and he took it, prying his eyes away from her feet. "You, ah... better get some shoes," he chuckled.

"Yeah." Ellie pulled her hand away, and began to look about for Maria, who had headed off to help the Oklahomans strike camp. Joel alone had witnessed the exchange, keenly aware of Ellie's thin shirt and innocent conversation.

"You should go back and put some shoes on, kid," he said as she passed him. "I'm comin' so I can have a look at that cut."

"Jeez," Ellie snorted. "It doesn't even hurt."

"That's 'cause your feet're frozen."

"They are not." Ellie stood one one foot and tried her best to wiggle her toes, not succeeding very well. "Alright, maybe." A shiver ran down her frame. "I'm headed back."

"Ellie?" Tommy was calling. "Give Maria a hand with this?"

Joel swore under his breath. "She ain't wearin' shoes, Tommy!" he called.

"This'll just take a minute."

Joel shook his head. "Go on, then, but be quick."

Ellie nodded, and scampered through the snow, her eyes on Maria where she was wrestling a tent pole to the ground, and as a result, she did not see the figure directly in front of her until they collided. Both fell to the snowy ground from the impact of the collision, and Ellie was the first to scramble up, giving the other individual her hand and pulling them to their feet.

It was a young woman, perhaps a few years older than Ellie, with long waving hair tumbling from underneath a filthy stocking cap pulled low over her brow. They both began babbling at the same instant.

"I'm so sorry –"

"Are you okay? I didn't mean –"

"It was my fault, I wasn't –"

"I'm fine, are _you_ –"

They both stammered to a halt and regarded each other dumbly for a minute, and Ellie recovered her voice first.

"I – uh, sorry, I didn't see you there," she began, twisting her fingers. "Clumsy, and all."

"Ellie?" Maria's voice was heard calling.

"Coming!" she shouted, turning her attention back to the young woman, whose eyes had drifted to Ellie's feet. Ellie stepped one foot upon the other protectively.

"Oh, don't you start too -"

"Don't you have any shoes?" the girl began.

Ellie retorted, "Of course I have shoes. I'm just not wearing them. I mean –"

The girl laughed, a light, friendly sound. "It's okay. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Fine." Ellie bobbed her head. "You?"

"Fine. I'm Anna." The young woman stuck out her hand, and Ellie took it, almost shyly.

"That's awesome. My mom's name was Anna."

"Really? Well, then, it's a sign."  
"Sign of what?" Ellie regarded her blankly.

"That we should be friends," Anna chuckled.

"Oh! Yeah. Of course." A bright color came over Ellie's cheeks, and she seemed to break forth from a reverie. "Maria... I – I've got to go. See you later?"

"You didn't tell me your name!" Anna called, as Ellie hurried off over the cold ground. Ellie's eyes widened.

"It's Ellie," she called back, turning briefly, and smiling. "Ellie. See you later!"

For some reason, she worked in the cold much longer than she would have thought she could, owing to the warm feeling somewhere deep within her as the light from Anna's smile lingered in her eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

That night, those from the settlement joined with the inhabitants of the power plant to host a great welcoming feast for everyone. Meat was hunted, supplies were pulled forth, and the water from the river turned the turbine so that all the stoves had electricity to cook some of the most amazing foods that Ellie had ever smelled. The journeyers rushed about, chattering in anticipation, for they had been trained to subsist on much less for many months now.

At their house, Maria turned from where she was stirring the pot of corn and saw Ellie rising from the table and attempting to hobble toward the window.

"What do you think you're doing, young lady?"

"I heard something," Ellie replied. "Outside."

"Sit down, and keep off those feet," Maria commanded, brandishing the spoon. "Don't they hurt?"

"Like heck," Ellie affirmed.

"Then stay sitting down, and I'll -" Maria stopped short, hearing a crash from the other room. "Joel?" she called. "Is that you?"

The crash was followed by a final bang and the squeaking of the door being pushed open, and a sheepish-looking Matt stood in the doorway.

"Your door, ah..." he stammered.

"It was latched."  
"Oh. Well, it isn't anymore." He looked about at the kitchen and its two occupants.

"Can I help you?" Maria asked, squinting, and stabbing the spoon back into the corn. Ellie had tiptoed back to her seat and waved; Matt grinned. "Hi, Ellie. Mrs... Tommy?"

"Maria," she returned. "Something happen?"

"No, I just... I was sent here to fetch Tommy, my dad has something to ask him about."

"He's not here," Maria replied, a little kinder. "He's probably in the turbine room, Steve called him in about half an hour ago."

"Oh." Matt seemed at a loss of where to go from there, and Maria beckoned him to a chair.

"Have a seat. He'll be back any minute now. It isn't urgent?"

"I don't think so," Matt shook his head. "At least, it didn't sound like it."

"Maria won't let me help her, so I've got to stay parked here like a stupid invalid," Ellie complained. Matt ducked his head to the side and tried to peer under the table.

"Your feet aren't frostbitten, are they?"

"Probably are, I'm not sure. They sort of... I don't know, it's like they feel hot."

"Burning and tingling?" Matt's eyes were sympathetic. "I got frostbite at the first snow, and let me tell you, it takes forever for the pain to go away. It didn't help that we had to keep moving. You're lucky to be in a place like this, you know."

"We sure are," Maria assented from the stove. "Fighting off bandits is nothing to being in the open with the infected."

Matt chuckled. "Exactly. The open... traveling, it's –"

"I know," Ellie broke in. "Me and Joel, we traveled almost a year from Boston to here, just us two. I know what it's like being in the open.

"Like hell," Matt murmured, and Ellie slapped a hand to the table.

"Exactly what I was going to say."

Ellie saw Matt reaching for the stack of paper, but was not quick enough to stop him.

"What's this?" he asked, pulling it closer and beginning to leaf through the doodles.

"Nothing," Ellie murmured, striving to reclaim the pile. "It's... trash."

"'Savage Starlight III: The New Generation'?" Matt read aloud. "Are you serious? I've heard of it, but never read it. I didn't know there was a third one."

"Well, there is now. I'm writing it. But you can't see, it's under wraps until publication," Ellie said, pulling the stack back to her side of the table and turning the top page face down.

Matt met her eyes, a smile striving to gain control of his face. "I want to see."

"No. They're horrible."

"Not as horrible as mine."

"You draw too?"

"No. But if I did, I swear yours would be a hundred times better."

Ellie hesitated. "I only did this because Maria said to."  
"And that," Maria called over her shoulder, "was only because you wouldn't stop griping about how there were no more comics to be found."

"Exactly." Ellie scooted her chair back and limped into the next room, and Matt stood to his feet, following her.

"Whoah, I thought you were supposed to stay off your feet."

"I will, I will," Ellie sighed, retrieving a battered paperback, and handing it to Matt, who opened to the first page.

"Hmm," he said after a moment. "Very interesting."

"You can borrow it. Bring it back when you're finished, and I'll explain the sequel to you, 'Savage Starlight II: Dawn of Victory'."

"Dawn of Victory? Cool title."

"Thanks," Ellie replied airily. "It sorta stuck."

"Wait a sec." Matt eyed her. "You wrote the sequel?"

Ellie took the comic from him and paged to the back cover, stabbing a finger at the worn print. "You see that? 'To be continued'? Worst three words ever printed." She shrugged. "I had to fix it."

Matt was grinning and nodding. "I see. Well, that should be good. What's the story?"

"It's a sequel. You've got to read the first one first."

"Okay, if you say so," he huffed. "Bossy."

Ellie smirked. "But I'm right."

"You are." He smiled. "Thanks for the lend. I appreciate it. I haven't had anything to read in months. Man, do I miss it."

Ellie plopped to a seat on the sofa and Matt followed suit, watching as the girl folded her feet together, wincing at the contact they made.

"You alright?"

"Oh, yeah. What'd you read?"

"Whatever I could get my hands on. I've got a book called 'Dialogues of Fenelon,' which I keep in my backpack because it's little. At first I thought it was dry, but it has a lot of fascinating subject matter."

"-Like?" Ellie's eyebrows lifted. "What kind of name is Fenelon, anyway?"

"He was a French guy in the 1800's, according to the preface. He writes about life, and God, and the human soul, and the purpose of everything in life."

Ellie experienced an almost imperceptible shudder. "I don't believe in that stuff."

"Why not?"

"Because only jerks do." She gritted her teeth. "I mean, I never heard about it much at all until I met this one dude, and he talked like that... and he was a huge –." The word she supplemented here seemed to shock Matt just a bit. He stared at her for a while, and then recovered adroitly.

"Wow." He cleared his throat. "Strong... opinions."

"I killed him. He had it coming for what he tried to do to me."

Matt began to get an inkling of what she had dealt with, and simply nodded slowly. "Well, sorry, then. The other book I have is 'Moby Dick'."

"Are you kidding? I've always wondered what a Moby Dick was! Can I read it?"

Matt coughed to hide his laughter. "Sure. It's a story about a whale."

"A whale?" Ellie furrowed her brow. "A whale-of-a-what?"

"Just a whale. A regular whale."  
"Like in the sea?"

"Yep. And all the sailors who are hunting it."

Ellie cocked her head. "Okay. Yeah. I want to read it."

"I'll bring it by later. On loan from Matt's Traveling Library."

"Well, be sure and bring back your loan from Ellie's Comics Unlimited, or I'll charge you a fine," she said, pointing a finger.

Matt just opened his mouth to reply when Tommy entered the house, stomping melted stow from his boots. Matt stood to his feet.

"Tommy – hi. My dad is looking for you."

"Matt? What's goin' on?"

"Not sure, but he said for me to go find you."

Tommy turned back around in the doorway. "Well, let's go find out then."

"Bye, Ellie," Matt called, following after Tommy and sending her a wink. "I'll read this and bring it back."

"Alright. Don't forget to bring me yours."

"Will do."

Tommy exchanged a dumbfounded look with Maria, who simply waved him away to follow after the retreating Matt.

Ellie looked at her lap on the couch. She'd forgotten to ask Matt if he knew Anna.


	9. Chapter 9

"Now, hold still," Joel murmured, scooting his chair closer to Ellie, who had her foot propped up next to him.

"It tickles," she complained, and he gave her a silent look, before taking her ankle in his hand and turning her foot so he could see the sole. He pressed the pad of his finger to the pink-tinted flesh around the cut, and Ellie flinched.

"Hurt?"  
"Kinda," she murmured.

"Well, nothin' to do but walk on it for tonight. Wear socks and all, and give it some air when we get home," Joel said, giving her leg a gentle slap. "Maria's goin' to have a fit if she sees that we ain't ready yet."

"Are you kidding? I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I've been smelling this stuff cook all day." Ellie stood to her feet and tightened her ponytail. Joel looked doubtful.

"Did you have a shower?"

Ellie shrugged. "Day before yesterday."

Joel nodded. "That'll do. We need to get a move on."

Maria's footsteps were heard in the next room, and she called, "Ellie! Get your shoes, it's time to go!"

"Coming," she returned, pinching a kernel of corn from the pot and sticking it into her mouth, giving an innocent look at Joel who simply snorted. Maria hurried in, and regarded the girl in disbelief.

"Ellie? Shoes?"  
"Got it," she said, limping quickly from the room. Joel approached and took the pot in hand, turning to Maria.

"This it?"

"I took the other stuff down already. Tommy's going to meet us there."

"Just take it easy," he muttered. "This ain't a big to-do. Nobody's expecting anything."

"-Except corn!" Ellie called from the next room.

"Ain't talkin' to you," Joel retorted in a loud voice. He dropped his tone, and met Maria's eyes. "Don't put her in a situation tonight, 'hear?"

"What do you mean." Maria met his gaze steadily. "So she made a friend. I'm happy for her."

"This Matt fella can stay a friend, as far as it concerns me."

"But it doesn't concern you –"

"-Or you and Tommy," Joel put in dryly.

"It concerns Ellie. So we'll leave it to her."

Instead of replying, Joel shifted his eyes to the girl who approached and stood in the doorway. "Time to go?"

"Feet alright?" Maria asked brightly, nodding, and beckoning Joel and Ellie out the door, shutting it behind them.

"Good enough. Man, I am _so_ hungry." Ellie wrapped her arms about herself. "I can't wait til dinner actually starts."

"Now, this is for the new group, you know that, kiddo," Joel began, and Ellie regarded him with horror.

"You mean we can't eat any of it?"

"Relax." He chuckled, and jostled the pot. "There should be enough for everybody. Just makin' sure you remember why we're doin' this."

Ellie looked as if she was preparing to respond when a voice was heard calling her name.

"Ellie?"  
"Matt – hi!" She looked up to see the young man approaching, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his worn coat. "Did you bring the book?"

He presented the title with a flourish. "Herman Melville's Moby Dick, right here."

"Awesome!" Ellie seized it in her hands, and flipped to the first page as Joel and Maria walked on. Matt watched the girl closely as her eyes passed quickly over the text, her lips slightly forming some of the words until she stopped, and furrowed her brow. "'Circumambulate'?" she pronounced with a distasteful look. "What's that?"

Matt suppressed a grin. "It's a word that means... uh – walk around?"

"Then why the heck didn't they say that?"

"They didn't use to talk like that." Matt leaned close, and underlined a sentence with his finger, reading, "'What do they here?' It's a much more beautiful way to speak, isn't it?"

"I guess." Ellie shrugged. "If everyone still knows what you're saying."

Matt pointed to Joel and Maria who were entering the building. "We're late. You want to sit together? I can help translate for you." He wiggled his eyebrows and gestured toward the book.

"Sure." Ellie wiped her nose. "Is it a cool story?"

"Very cool." Matt touched her arm lightly. "C'mon, let's hurry. My dad will wonder where I am."

"I can't go too fast," Ellie grimaced, waving her foot inside her sneaker. "Cut still healing. Hurts like nothin' else."

"Need help?"

"Nah." Ellie picked up the pace, ambling along with a gait bearing suspicious resemblance to a lobster. "You laughing at me?" she grinned, seeing Matt's comical expression.

"No," Matt straightened his face with some effort. "I just wish you'd let me help."

"What, and give me a piggy-back or something?" Ellie stared at him. "We're here, anyway." She heaved open the door and beckoned Matt through, her eyes gradually adjusting to the dim interior lit up by a few yellow electric lights mounted on the walls. The building was long and filled with two rows of tables, placed end to end; a large group of people were already present, milling around, taking, and filling the place with a pleasant warmth from simple body heat.

Someone was shouting for order and gradually the crowd quieted, small ripples of conversation dwindling to a stop as Tommy stood up on a chair.

"I'm goin' to keep this brief, because I know you all are hungry, and ready to get on with this thing. We're here to welcome the group from Oklahoma, so we're going to welcome them best we can. We're a community here. Everybody owes to each other anything they'd owe to their own families, and expects the same in return. It's good to have some newcomers, and hope this is a good thing for everybody. Now, I know there's been some cookin' goin' on today, am I right?" A chuckle ran through the group, and a few hoots were heard. "Alright. So lets get on with enjoyin' it."

Ellie turned to Matt as Tommy clambered down from the stool. "This reminds me of the speeches they'd give at the school I used to go to."

"You used to go to school?" Matt eyed her. "That's neat."

"What, didn't you?" Ellie raised her voice to be heard over the noise as the crowd resumed conversation around them.

"Couldn't spare me in our zone, I guess," Matt shrugged. "It was really little, soldiers only came a few times a year. I worked with my dad since I was old enough to haul tools." He looked a little unsatisfied at having to relate this of himself, and ran a hand through his hair. Ellie stared at him.

"How'd you learn to read?"

"Dad taught me. And then I'd read in all my spare time. And write. And study all I could get my hands on, because I wanted to be smart." Matt chuckled. "I dreamed of being a book smuggler when I grew up."

Ellie snickered. "What, because there were enough people already smuggling the important stuff? You know, like food?" She gestured to the forming line. "Speaking of."

They wriggled into spots in line, and Matt tapped Ellie, who was in front of him to regain her attention. "Hey. You admit that reading is great."

She shrugged. "Yeah. When you're not shiving clickers or trying to, you know," she gestured, "stay alive."

Matt looked thoughtful, and leaned down, his mouth near Ellie's ear, feeling it was somehow wrong to be shouting over the hubub on such an important topic of conversation to him. "That's the tragedy of society. We're reduced to simply staying alive, when, in a place like this, it is completely possible – and I'd argue, completely necessary – to re-implement things that only existed before the infection. Things like real education, higher thought, community, belief in God..." He smiled. "I know I sound like a weirdo. But that's my dream. To write about this stuff, and convince others that life can be rebuilt. That it need to be rebuilt."

Ellie looked up and met his eyes which were shining with the light from his passion, when a voice near her interrupted her partially-formed thought.

"Hi, you guys!"

She turned to behold Anna, the dirty stocking cap no longer obscuring her face, her long hair braided over one shoulder. Ellie did a double-take, and then gave the girl a hasty hug.

"Hi!" She looked down in horror as she realized she'd stepped on Anna's foot in the act. "Oh – sorry! I – did I hurt you?"

"Hm? No, I didn't feel anything." The young woman grinned. "What'd you do?"

"Stood on your foot," Ellie flushed. "I'm so clumsy."

"No sweat. You know Matt?"

"Yeah! He's cool!" Ellie exclaimed. "He was telling me all his crazy ideas about writing."

"Oh." Anna rolled her eyes, giving Ellie an opportunity to see the bright color of them even in the dim light of the building. "That again."

"Knock it off," Matt grumbled, giving Anna a gentle push. "Just because you have no dreams..."

"How do you know I don't have dreams?" Anna crossed her arms indignantly.

"Yeah." Ellie draped her arm around the girl in mock support. "How do you know she doesn't have dreams?" The girls snickered at one another.

Matt squinted. "Because... you're young. You've not yet _progressed _to that point of _maturity_..." His voice assumed a strange intonation, and Ellie looked at Anna.

"Why's he talking like that?"

"Thinks it makes him sounds smart. Heard this English guy talk on a movie one time, and he's done it ever since."

"A movie?" Ellie stared in disbelief. "You've seen movies?"

"We used to watch them in the zone in Oklahoma. We had a projector set up in the church, until we lost power."

"We should totally do that here!" Ellie exclaimed, helping herself to an empty plate, one of the many assorted dishes brought by the families, and doling them out to her two companions. "That would be awesome!"

Something happened as the three helped themselves to plentiful food and sat in a corner together to partake, Matt seated on the floor, Anna perching on an odd tri-legged stool, and Ellie squatting indian style, her plate on her knees. None of them realized it, but Matt's dream was not as far off as he had thought; three young people who before had been only occupied with surviving, were together, laughing, talking, engaging in debates, foyning, jibing, and joining in with the other survivors buttoned snugly in the warmed metal building to create a sense of community, a sense of safety and restoration. A sense of friendship.


	10. Chapter 10

That night, Ellie returned home with a warm feeling spreading through her entire being. A full stomach, the blurred light of the electric bulbs outside her window, and the elation of a night of conversation with peers lulled her mind into a happy haze, she drifted off to sleep so quickly that the next thing she knew was awakening to a knock on the door.

"Ellie?"

"Y-yeah?" she said, sitting up and pushing her hair back from her face, her eyes remaining sealed shut against the obtrusive light of the dawning.

"You up?"

"You bet, just... getting dressed," she managed, sliding from the edge of the bed and rubbing her eyes into wakefulness. There was no reply from the corridor.

"Joel?" Ellie jumped into her jeans and hopped to the door, cracking it open. "What are you doing today?"

"Um..." Joel scratched his head, and then squinted. "You just now wakin' up?"

"Maybe." Ellie pursed her lips.

"Ellie..." Joel eyed her. "We got work to do."

"But we stayed up late last night, it was fun!"

"Yeah... Saw you over there with Matt and the other girl. You three seemed to really hit it off."

Ellie nodded her head vigorously. "So, can I come with you to do whatever you're doing? I might see them again."

Joel took a deep breath, hesitating, then his eyes smiled. "If you want. Though I warn you, if you're gonna tag along, you're liable to get put to work."

"That's fine!" Ellie called, slamming the door again, and zipping on her sweatshirt. Frantically, she pulled her hair back into a ponytail and glanced in the mirror. Cursing under her breath, she rubbed at the flaky remains of dried saliva in the corner of her mouth, and regarded her reflection again.

"Hi, Anna," she mouthed, grinning, and putting her hands on her hips. "Wanna be friends?"

"Ellie?" Joel called, and she jumped, uttering, "Yeah?" with a slight squeak.

"I'm headed down to the stables, you gonna meet me there?"

"Sure, coming," she called back, taking a deep breath, and pronouncing, "Breakfast," to her reflection, before glaring at herself and scampering from the room.

Maria's back was to her in the kitchen as she was busy storing the remains of the leftovers from the night before. Ellie stood on her tiptoes and peeked over her shoulder, uttering her best imitation of a clicker's call.

Swearing loudly, Maria jumped, and whirled around. "Ellie!" Her eyes were wide, her hand clenched upon the nearest implement, a wooden spoon. "Don't do that!"

"Sorry," Ellie giggled, covering her mouth to hide her snickering. "Couldn't resist. Can I have a biscuit?"

"I should say no, after that..." Maria muttered, a smile pulling the corner of her mouth in spite of herself. "You could get hurt. Good thing for you I didn't have a knife."

"Or a gun," Ellie added, swiping one of the hard drop biscuits, and taking a nip from one of the peaks of hardened dough.

"Gotta go, helping Joel," she called, sticking the biscuit in her pocket, and heading toward the door.

"Have fun," Maria called, and Ellie stopped, turning around a line between her brows.

"Okay...?"

"If you see Matt and Anna, that is."

Ellie swore good-naturedly. "You all are totally on my case, aren't you."

"Totally." Maria gave her a swat. "Be careful."

"'Kay."

Throwing open the saggy screen door into the morning, Ellie inhaled a deep lungful of the cold air, and thought what a wonderful thing it was to be alive at this precise moment. Flutters of insecurity were pushed aside, as she licked her lips, and scanned the courtyard from the porch, not, however, searching for a bearded man in a plaid shirt, but a girl with long dark hair...

"Ellie?" A voice startled her from her staring, and she caught sight of Matt waving, and striking across the compound. "Morning! I brought your book back!"

"You finished it? Holy moly." Clattering down the steps, Ellie took her precious copy of _Savage Starlight _into her hands, and looked up at the young man. "You are one heck of a fast reader."

"Couldn't put it down," Matt admitted, his eyes holding her gaze. "Fascinating plot. There was a character in there that reminded me a lot of someone I know."

"Yeah? Who was it?" Ellie asked, tucking the book under her arm, and adding, "I don't guess I need to say I didn't finish yours. It's gonna be a while, I think, that's a freakin' long book."

Matt chuckled. "It's alright, take your time. Look at this and guess." He pulled the comic out from under her arm, and flipped to a page near the center, showing a young woman standing with her feet apart, brandishing her weapon with a determined look on her face.

"Yeah, that's Daniela Star."

"Remind you of someone?"

Ellie peered at the picture, then shrugged. "What I wish I was like?"

"My dad told me that he talked to Joel and Tommy a lot last night, and that Joel explained your trek. That is quite the adventure. He spoke well of you."

"Yeah?" Ellie ducked her head, a strange tingle painting her cheeks. "Well, the journey was hell, that's for sure."

"Sounds like you're a really brave girl. How's your foot, by the way?" With a surprising amount of tact - for the skill seemed to have survived the pandemic in puny proportions - Matt deftly changed the subject.

"Oh, my foot? Fine, I guess. I hadn't thought any more about it." She stomped firmly, then winced. "Okay, a little sore. I feel like a wimp."

"Don't." Matt's eyes were serious. "Frostbite is nothing to sneeze at. I know."

"Yeah, how did you get frostbite anyway?" Ellie asked, furrowing her brow. "Sounds like a story to tell."

"Well," Matt took a deep breath, crossing his arms. "There's this thing called winter? And if you're in it without proper shoes, you know..." He gestured.

"Oh, ha ha." Ellie twisted her mouth in a sideways grin. "By the way..." She hesitated. "Where is Anna? Do you know?"

"Oh, I think I saw her with the group gathering kindling. She wanted to get put to work right away, she's good at making friends."

"Wanna go help?"

Matt looked slightly bemused. "Okay."

"Awesome. Lemme tell Joel, and I'll be right back."

On feet that seemed to have never known the meaning of frostbite, Ellie sprinted across the courtyard and disappeared in the stables. A brief moment later, she emerged again, and bounded up beside him.

"Okay, let's go."

They walked in brisk silence for a long while, and then Matt spoke up.

"I'm going to write a book, I think."

"Oh yeah? What about?"

"I'm not sure yet, that's the trouble..." Matt chuckled.

"I've got some ideas," Ellie shrugged, delving her hands into the pockets of her sweatshirt, and pushing them together until she could rub her fingers through the fabric.

"Lack of ideas is certainly not the problem," Matt smiled, tipping his face skywards and squinting into the harsh sunlight. "It's narrowing them down. Choosing which are worth writing. Because in a world like this..." He hesitated. "I don't mean to offend, but reading comics and stories about whales is not that important."

"I think it is," Ellie retorted quickly. "Stuff like that keeps people's minds off all the crap they have to do day to day just to survive."

"True," Matt admitted. "But if I'm going to write a book, I don't want it to be made-up. I want it to be real, or at least extremely important."

Ellie bobbed her head, and seemed to ruminate on this for a long moment.

"I guess I could write a book," she offered at length, looking at the ground, at her sneakers marching one in front of the other as they passed the last dilapidated building and reached the north gate.

"Yeah? What would it be about?"

"Stuff. People. It would be real, and important." Her voice was low. "Because then they wouldn't get forgotten."

Matt took a deep breath, realizing she spoke of someone, something hidden in her past. "The past is like desert," he began slowly. "Each new wave of golden-grained sand that sweeps over the surface buries the first, until one is no longer certain which was first, and which has simply shifted to cover the mixing of all the grains. They're hidden amongst each other in their vastness, impossible to sort out, and heavily inscrutable to sort through." He paused for a moment, and saw from the tail of his eye that Ellie was staring at him.

"Is that from a movie or something?"

Matt looked confused. "Is what from a movie?"

"What you said."

He shrugged. "No... That's just what I think."

"You talk like a movie," Ellie remarked with resolve in her green eyes. "It's cool."

"Well, thanks," Matt chuckled, chafing his cold hands together. "I write things in my head all the time. But wait." He met her gaze. "You were talking about what you would write."

They paused at the top of the rise, and looked out for a moment among the snowy trees, and didn't catch sight of Anna or the group.

"They'll come back soon," Ellie murmured. "I guess we'll just wait, I don't have any weapons."

Matt nodded, and then elbowed her gently. "Your story?"

"Oh. Yeah, it would be real." Ellie's face was tilted downwards, her lips red against the paleness of her face in the cold. "Meaning, like, it really happened. A long time ago."

"It happened to you?"

She nodded. "I had this best friend. She was –" Ellie pursed her lips as if trying to formulate the best way to describe what was tumbling about in her head. "Her eyes were brown, and had all these different colors in them. It was like, around the outside was almost black, and in the middle was that color that's like, in the cracks of wood when it's wet."

Matt listened in silence, as Ellie's voice grew tight.

"And when she'd look at you, it was like the world was going to be fine, even though it wasn't, but it was just because you knew there was somebody who was thinking of you sometimes, and would do anything for you. I would write about that."

She hardly realized that she was crying until she felt the chill of a tear drip from her nose, and Matt regarded her with a gentle look.

"That sounds like a story worth telling," he said quietly.


	11. Chapter 11

In the coming weeks, Joel worked alongside Matt and his father in the engine room, finding that the Oklahomans had a talent for repairing machinery that he himself possessed, and though they exchanged but little talk that concerned the youngsters they cared about, Joel knew it was in the forefront of a few minds, likely theirs. Maria and Tommy's, to say the least.

The thought disturbed Joel greatly, in fact, it put almost excessive strain upon his and Tommy's already flimsy relationship. Joel did his best not to make eye contact with Tommy at the house, or engage him in conversation beyond what was necessary for their work. Maria would eye Joel, but say nothing. This went on for some time.

As the spring sun began to thaw the snow more and more each day, Joel took it upon himself to hunt extra game for the community. With the addition of the new survivor group, something near a barter system had been worked out. Tommy had everyone operating on a communal system before: everyone shared everything, but with the differing skills, it was quickly becoming much more practicable to have a market situation. What any man had, he could trade for something he needed. And so Joel hunted deer and wild birds and traded them to anyone who needed it; someone who didn't have a hunter in the family, or was otherwise incapable of procuring meat. One of the women brought seeds and intended to plant a garden. They were on their way to becoming a regular town.

Joel was surprised when, one warm day, Matt approached him as he was preparing to ride out into the woods.

"Joel?"

He turned, one foot in his stirrup.

"Matt. How's it goin'?"

"It's going." The young man bobbed his head, his hands in his pockets. "Going shooting?" He gestured awkwardly, yanking a hand free, and indicating the rifle strapped to Joel's back.

"What's it look like." Joel chuckled, and returned his booted foot to the ground. "Can I help you?"

"I'd like to talk to you," Matt blurted, his eyes meeting Joel's. "Can I saddle up, and come with?"

"Sure, but if you aim on gettin' any meat today –"

A darker color suffused his face. "I won't scare the game off."

Joel scratched his beard and took a deep breath as Matt led forth a pale horse, and clambered to its bare back.

"No tack?"

Matt shrugged. "This'll do."  
Joel watched the young man closely. He was smart, and handled his tools well, and safely. That he was gun-shy was a real shame, because he also rode well, despite the lack of saddle and bridle. They ventured into the woods a little ways before Joel cleared his throat.

"Well," he began, pitching his voice a little louder than he normally liked to speak in the forest, so that his words would reach Matt's ears, riding a few feet away from him. "Whatever you wanted to say, I s'pose you should say it while you're still young. Then we can get on with the day."

Matt cleared his throat. "So, this is going to sound really stupid."

"Now that you told me that, it certainly will." Joel sat up, stretching his back, and guided his mount with his knees around a tight grouping of pines.

A small off-branch of the river ran near them, and the sound of it filled the area, bouncing from the trees in a thousand echoes, and settling Matt's rising nervousness. The creek. The river, the water, that was his encouragement.

"So, Ellie tells me that she can't swim."

Joel nodded in assent. "That's right."

"Ever think of teaching her?"

"Lots." Joel did his best to keep his tone of voice under regulation, but he still squinted at the boy. "What're you getting' at?"

"I'd like to teach her," Matt said, his voice strange, and hurried. "We're friends, and we do all kinds of stuff together. I want her to be able to swim. Not just for survival, but for fun. Survival isn't all there is to life, fun is something that humankind can be trained to live without, but in the long term breeds a society of ill –"

"Son, you think I haven't thought of all that?" Joel regarded him sharply. "We don't all have the time to dream that some do."

Matt reddened again. "I do my share of work."

"You do. But keep that dreamin' to a minimum, that kind of stuff'll get you nowhere in the real world."

"Just because you're hardened against the simple joys of life doesn't mean that I should be," Matt asserted stiffly, his tone rigid. "Or Ellie."

"She ain't. Have you ever had a conversation with her?"

"Yes. Multiple times."

"Well, so've I. I traveled with that girl all the way across the country, and let me tell you somethin', she's a wonder for keepin' her feet on the ground and her head in the clouds at the same time. Now, I wouldn't've believed it was possible to be so smart about some things and so darn stupid about others, but that kid kept me guessing. We kept each other goin'. And to be plain honest with you," Joel met the young man's eyes, "I was wantin' to teach Ellie to swim myself."

Matt held his gaze, an intake of breath swelling his chest ever so slightly. Joel held up a hand. "But I don't want to keep her from havin' friends and doin' stuff with 'em same as normal kids, so if you want to, and she's willin', go ahead." His face took on an almost resigned expression which was quickly replaced with ferocity. "But don't you let any harm come to her. If I'm goin' to trust you with that girl, you'd better not let me down, or I swear I'll come after you."

Matt nodded, his words earnest. "You can trust me. I'd never want to do something that she wasn't comfortable with. I'd never make her do anything she doesn't want to. I'll keep her safe."

"Good. Now scuttle, and let me hunt."

Matt departed in grateful haste, the wind in his hair feeling jubilant, the smooth hide of the beast beneath him rubbing against his jeans. He dismounted the moment he was within the gate, running to a stop, and handing off the beast to Houser, who was standing by calmly smoking a kind of cigar of his own invention.

"Everything alright, Matt?" he called, and the young man nodded.

"Certainly, thanks."

Houser nodded, and began to remove the horse's tack as Matt hurried along at a fast clip, his boots making sucking noises in the muddied ground.

"Ellie!" he called, Tommy and Maria's house coming into view. "Ellie?" He clattered up the steps, and eased open the door. "Hello?"

"Matt?" Tommy's voice was heard calling.

"Hi, Tommy." Matt couldn't see where the voice was coming from, and so looked at his boots, leaning against the doorframe. "Ellie in?"

"She's with Maria down at the hall," Tommy's voice called back. "I thought you went with Joel."

"I did," Matt chuckled. "But I'm not much good hunting, so he sent me back, and now I'm looking for Ellie."

"Alright then." Tommy came into the room, wiping his hand on a shop towel, and opening a drawer beneath the counter, searching through the assorted implements until he found a wrench. "Pipes' backed up again," he explained with a shrug. "Nobody's complainin', but I'm still goin' to give it a few turns and see if that doesn't do the trick."

Matt nodded. "Alright, well, I'm going to find Ellie. See you around."

"See you, son."

Matt didn't have to go far, he encountered Ellie on her way back from the hall, chucking rocks ahead of her into the dust, and whistling merrily. She had her eyes on her feet and didn't see him until a pebble made contact with Matt's shin and he took in his breath.

"Ouch. What're you trying to do, lame somebody?"

Ellie looked up and her eyes widened. "Oh, hi! Sorry, didn't see you."

"Apparently." He crossed his arms and tipped his face upwards, regarding the bright sun beating down on them. "Warm day, hm?"

"Yeah, no kidding. If Tommy doesn't get the water fixed we'll be back to our bucket-of-water showers."

"What about the creek?"

Ellie's eyes were a bit wide. "Oh, I don't go there. I can't swim, remember."

"I could teach you."

She squinted. "You're pulling my leg."

"No, I'm serious." He smiled. "You need to learn – I'd like to teach you."

Matt pushed his hands into his pockets as he watched Ellie hesitate a few feet away, her eyes fixed on him.

"Alright," she said at last, bobbing her head. "Teach me to swim. But if you're going to do something for me, I've got to do something for you."

Matt's face took on an almost hurt expression, and he lifted a hand. "No, no, I'd rather – "

"Look, I'm not crazy about water in the first place. So doing this makes it like a deal." Ellie shrugged. "I can manage that."

Matt hesitated, then his face broke into a lopsided smile. "Alright. I've got something you can do for me."

"What is it?" Something about his expression unnerved her; her voice was filled with skepticism, her tone wary, something he'd never heard from her.

"It's ah – my hair." He shrugged. "Somebody's got to cut it, and I can't see to do it myself. At least not the back."

"Oh." Ellie's face lit up. "I can do that. I used to do it for Joel all the time."

"Grand." Matt pursed his lips. "Creek first, or haircut?"

"Creek," Ellie said decidedly. "Let's get this over with."


	12. Chapter 12

As the two walked, Matt tried to explain it would likely be a several-session arrangement, as one can't really learn to swim well just by trying once.

"No way, I want to learn it all today. You teach me good, and then I'll swim like a fish, end of story," Ellie said, watching as Matt paused to retrieve a coil of light rope from where it hung on the side of the stable. "What's that for?"

"Safety. The water doesn't run very quick, but I want you to feel safe."

"I'm not liking the sound of this..."

"Relax. You're the girl that shivs clickers, that saved Joel's life, that trekked over two thousand miles across the country trying to find the Fireflies."

"We rode a horse some of the time," Ellie pointed out. "And a truck for a little bit."

"You're missing my point." Matt looked stern. "You shouldn't be afraid of water. You live on a river."

"Who said I'm afraid?" Ellie tossed her head with a high-n-mighty air. "I just don't wanna drown."

"I won't let you drown."

They passed Joel on their way out, riding in with two rabbits and a small fox hung limply over the back of his saddle.

"Slim pickins today," he said, giving Ellie a nod. "You two headed off?"

"Yeah, Matt's going to toss me into the creek tied up in a rope," Ellie explained doggedly. "Sounds fun, huh."

"I'm doing no such thing," he said, draping his arm around her shoulders. "Swimming lessons, right, Ellie?"

"Right." She rolled her eyes.

"Be careful." Joel's gaze lingered on Matt's, and he tightened his grip on Ellie.

"I will. See you later."

"Later." Joel began to turn his mount, his back stiff in the saddle, when Ellie called out.

"Hey, Joel." He turned in the saddle, and regarded her with a slightly kinder expression.

"Puns about swimming are difficult to aqua-er."

Joel snorted and shook his head. "You're a mess," he muttered, but it was around a smile. Ellie grinned after him.

"Alright, let's go. I'm totally doing this."

At the creek, Matt located a good spot, a wide, deep section that ran slowly, surrounded on one side by a small stand of trees close to the water's edge. He knotted the rope around the base of one of the trees and then made another loop at the other end, tossing it aside and sitting on the bank, beginning to peel off his shoes and socks.

Ellie sat down and did the same, scooting to the edge and dipping of foot in. She swore loudly. "This is super freakin' cold."

"You get used to it once you're in there. It'll feel good, since it's so warm today." Matt got to his feet and tossed aside his jacket, wearing just his t-shirt and jeans. His belt joined his jacket and shoes in the pile.

"Alright." He smiled encouragingly. "So, I'm going to jump in and swim around for a minute to make sure it really isn't too cold, and then you should come in too." With a quick nod, Matt plunged down into the creek, submerging his head and rising up again from the water, shaking like a dog.

"Whew! A bit brisk," he called, while Ellie regarded him dubiously from dry ground.

"Is it okay?"

"It's fine. Let me see how deep it is." Taking a deep lungful of air, Matt dove beneath the surface, and a stream of bubbles rose to the top where he had disappeared. Some twenty seconds passed, then thirty. The bubbles stopped, and Ellie felt her heartbeat quicken. A minute. A minute and a half. She started to panic.

Grabbing the rope and fumbling with the thickness of it, Ellie tied it in a firm knot about her waist and splashed down into the creek, gasping at its coldness. "Matt?" she called, her voice high-pitched with fear. "Matt?" The water rose and slapped her in the face, and she choked, her open mouth filling with water. Thrashing her limbs as she felt the rope go taut, Ellie spluttered, "Matt, what the heck –" And then she went under. Blackness and tiny bubbles assailed her eyes and ears, and Ellie felt the toe of her left foot catch on something sharp at the creek's bottom, seeping a thread of dark blood into the rushing water.

A strong grip closed around her waist and lifted her above the surface, and Matt's face was suddenly close to hers.

"Ellie? You alright?"

"Holy mother of –" she coughed, spitting water, and flailing to get away from him. "Let go of me!"

"Alright." He released her and she bobbed beneath the surface again, only to be seized by the scruff of the neck and pulled to the bank. "You're okay. You're okay."

Ellie blinked and wiped the water from her face, glaring at Matt. "What the heck are you doing?"  
"I was getting you to come into the water. It was an idea I had, when I was swimming around down there. I thought, you never conquer your fears when someone else is just telling you what to do, so what if I just stayed down there and let you come in on her own. That way your fears are defeated, and then we can focus on the skill."

"You're insane," Ellie muttered weakly.

"But it worked."

"You scared the crap outta me."

"I'm okay. You're okay, and we're both in the creek new. Want to swim?"

"Fine." Ellie scooted into the shallows, but retained her grip on Matt. "Don't let go of me."

"I won't."

Matt pulled her back into the current, their bodies feeling weightless, the warmth of her small hands on his shoulders noticeable against the chill of the creek water surrounding them.

"Okay, so you've still got the rope around you, so even if something happens, you won't go far. The main thing is to not be scared, and channel your energy into making your arms and legs work together."

"...Channel your energy... Arms and legs work together," Ellie murmured, nodding. "Got it."

"So, keep holding onto me, but kick your feet, nice and strong."

He could see the effort of the movement on her face, but it made no disturbance in the surface of the water.

"Really kick. Kick hard, so you make a splash."

"I'll kick you."

"Keep your arms straight." He grasped her elbows, straightening them, and keeping her at arm's length away from him. "Now kick."

Putting her head down, Ellie gritted her teeth and churned up a series of energetic waves behind her.

"Good!"

"Good?" she panted. "Alright. What next..."

"So while you move your legs, you've also got to move your arms."

"'Kay."

"So I'm gonna have you try on your own for just a minute, and I want you to kick your legs, and also move your arms. Like this." Matt demonstrated, his hands pushing just enough water beneath him to keep him buoyant. "Let go of me now."  
"Alright... one – two –" Ellie pushed herself away from him and slid beneath the surface, but a vigorous kicking from her legs pushed her back up again, spluttering.

"Now move your arms, Ellie! Move your arms!"

"I am!" she managed, pushing her arms through the water, off-balance and awkward. She sank again, thrashing to keep her head above the surface.

"Easy, not so fast," Matt called, and Ellie made a slow even pass through the water, keeping her head and shoulders steady. Her face lit up as the water about her calmed. She did it again.

"Oh my gosh, I'm swimming," she said, sweeping her arms and legs in a circular motion and propelling herself upwards in the water ever so slightly each time she began to sink.

"You're swimming."

"How do I not just stay in the same place?"

"Lean forward in whichever direction you want to go, and keep doing the same thing."

Ellie's chin dipped into the water and she paddled like a dog a few strokes in one direction, then another.

"I'm doing it," she gasped, her limbs beginning to tire. "I'm doing it..."

Matt caught her into a hug, and let her droop in his arms. "See, it wasn't hard. But you're going to need practice."

"No kidding," she breathed, limp against him. "This wears you out!"  
"It's hard work, especially when you're not used to it. You waste a lot of energy at first." Matt towed her over to the side and they both clambered out of the creek, streaming water, and sat, breathless, on the bank. Ellie grinned broadly. "That was awesome." She set to work untying the rope from her waist. "We should totally come back and do this again tomorrow."

Matt's face sobered. "I told my dad I'd help him tomorrow. But maybe the next day."

Ellie shrugged. "No problem. I think I know what I'm doing now."  
"Are you joking?" Matt's eyebrows knit together. "Don't ever go swimming alone. That's an important rule."

"But when I get better –"

"No matter how good of a swimmer you are, you should never go alone," Matt said firmly. "You never know what could happen..." He trailed off, and focused on the diluted blood smearing Ellie's toe. "Are you hurt?"

"Oh." She grabbed her foot and examined it, poking at the ragged bit of skin that had been torn loose. "I cut it on the bottom."

"You should rinse it before you put your socks and shoes back on," Matt advised, chuckling. "You're always tearing up your feet, aren't you."

"Well, they're right down there next to the ground where all the sharp stuff is," Ellie retorted, scooting forward and sticking her foot in the cool water, before laying back on the slope of the bank. "Thanks for helping me."

"You're welcome."

Matt lowered himself to the grass with a small grunt, and put his arms behind his head, looking at the leafy canopy of the forest above them.

"In times like these, I can almost forget what a terrible world we live in," he murmured. "It gives me hope to press on, so one day people can take everything for what it seems, and enjoy it."

Ellie nodded slowly. "Do you think that's ever gonna happen?"

Matt pondered his answer. "It will. I don't know if I'll be alive to see it, but it will."

"Is there anything in the world you think you should do before you die?" Ellie asked suddenly, turning and regarding him with a fixed stare. "I mean, anyone could die any day, but still."

Matt furrowed his brow. "I want to create something that'll endure beyond my lifespan. Like write a book, or inspire others with an ideal."

"I want to have sex," Ellie said in a low voice. Matt's gaze met hers.

"Did you say –"

"Yeah." Ellie gave a nervous laugh. "Tommy and Maria are really hoping I'll get married soon, and even though I don't plan on dying... well, I don't know a freakin' thing about what do to when you're married." She decided now would not be a good time to tell her friend that she'd never – in her life – had the desire to sleep with a guy before.

"Do you believe you have to be married to... you know –" Matt's voice was small.

Ellie shrugged. "I don't see the sense in that, really. In a world like this, most stuff's already gone down the toilet anyway, so I don't think it matters."

"Those are the kinds of things that should be reinstated," Matt murmured.

"What? Rules?"

"No. Higher belief systems. Something more than mere survival."

"So, you're saying you wouldn't screw me, even if you thought it'd help me," Ellie whispered. Matt's eyes darkened with some sort of strange shadow.

"I'd do anything for you, Ellie," he murmured. "I love you."


	13. Chapter 13

The afternoon sun slanted through the grimy window as Ellie sat with her legs crossed upon the bed. Matt took a seat on the edge, shifting the mattress ever so slightly. Readjusting her position, Ellie braced her elbows on her knees, her chin in her hands.

"Soo..." she began, but her voice held the slightest of quavers to it. "Do you know what you're doing?"

Matt hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I think so."

Ellie's face felt oddly stiff and hot, and she realized with some consternation, that this must be a blush. She looked at the quilt and mumbled, "Well, good, because I'm sure not an expert."

"There's... not a whole lot to worry about," Mat said in a quiet voice. "I mean, I'll do my best not to make it freaky."

"Yeah. That sounds likely," Ellie murmured.

"Hey." Matt reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder, the cloth of her shirt slightly cold with the residual dampness. "You've got such a pessimist's view of this."

"Well, wouldn't you? If this was basically something you're doing because you know you're supposed to, not because you want to?"

Matt blinked, and removed his hand. "I – well... that's saying, you've don't – you've never had a – drive?"

"Drive for what?" Ellie's stared at him.

"Sex."

Ellie shrugged. "I wouldn't call it a drive. It sorta just comes around whenever I don't want it to. At least, if the whole..." she squirmed slightly, "that whole feeling really weird in my belly and kinda hot and like I wish something would fix it. Or that –" she wrinkled her nose, "_desire_ to like, totally have someone, and make them amazingly happy and make them that way because of _you_." She heaved a sigh. "That made, like, no sense."

"It made sense," Matt said at length. "That's just what it's like."

"So, there's nothing wrong with me?"

Matt met her eyes. "There's nothing wrong with you. Or if there is, it's wrong with me too."

Ellie repressed a grin. "That was totally cheesy."  
Matt glared. "Hey. I meant it."

"I know, but it was cheesy," she giggled.

"You making fun of me?"

"Oh, yeah!"

He gave her a push and she toppled backwards on the bed, feet splayed out in the air. He crawled across the space between them and poked Ellie in an exposed armpit. She recoiled with a squeak.

"Did that tickle?"

"Not telling," she growled, locking her arms over her chest, but Matt had her. He poked her in the thigh, in the ribs, the stomach, and before she knew it, Ellie was doing her very best to curl up into the smallest ball possible and catch her breath.

"Stop –" she gasped. "Stop it..."

Matt obediently folded his hands and watched in amusement as Ellie's breathing gradually evened. She flopped back on the bed with a huge sigh, and Matt flopped down by her side, and to his delight, she curled up against him. Matt resisted the urge to grin like a gargoyle, and no sooner had he repressed the joy rising in his chest than he began to worry about the other issues arising from Ellie's innocent nearness. He had been battling these thoughts all day long, ever since he'd met Ellie, really. Sometimes he disgusted himself. But he swallowed, and lifted a hand, stroking it down her soft brown hair, still slightly damp. Her breath caught audibly.

"Matt."

"Hm?"

"What're you doing?"

He let his hand fall back to the bed. "Nothing. Sorry."

There was a long pause. "It's okay. You can do it again if you want."

Matt turned so that he was propped up on one elbow, looking the girl in the face. "Ellie," he murmured. "I really like you..."

He was so near her that Ellie could feel his breath on her face, and somehow she tensed, trying to tell herself it was not unpleasant, there was nothing wrong with it. She forced herself to take in a deep breath, inhaling the air from his lungs, and letting it fill her and relax her. _Okay._

"I really like you too, you're cool," she replied, meeting his eyes. "You're not boring at all, or weird, or stupid. You're pretty awesome, actually."

Matt smiled, showing his teeth. "Not boring, or weird or stupid. Well, that's good."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "You know," she said, her voice low. "I like hanging out with you."

"I like hanging out with you. You're... amazing, frankly. You amaze me."

"I don't know what to do when you do that," Ellie muttered, looking at the quilt.

"Just be quiet, then. I've never met a girl like you. I've met strong girls, I've met pretty girls, and I even met a few scary ones." Matt chuckled. "In our town back in Oklahoma there was a girl that could shoot better than my dad. But she was... hard to talk to. She was killed in the tornado. One of the girls – Becky," he shook his head. "I think you've met her. She's really pretty, but she's not... she can't take care of herself. And it's nice to look after a girl, but not to be _forced_ to, if you know what I mean."

Ellie was listening silently.

"But I really like you, and how you can be as brave as a soldier, and still as nice as a sister. That you've been through hell and back, and you still love to nerd out over comics. That you can shoot, but you also can cry. And I've seen you cry," he said gently, "and it broke my heart."

"You weren't supposed to have gotten that out of me," Ellie said in a low voice. "It was nothing, just me being stupid."

"Anyway." Matt looked back at Ellie's face again. "I think the world of you."

Ellie felt a pang in her chest, an actual twinge of pain that made her put a hand to her breast in a move that made her feel like something out of Pride and Prejudice. She snatched her hand away as soon as she realized what she'd done and stammered, "I really like you. You're great, you're not... weird or boring..."

Matt's eyes were focused on her face, roving her features, taking in every scratch, every freckle.

"I want you to feel comfortable with me," he said.

"I do. I completely trusted you. With my life. I just... I'm not in love with you."

Matt took a deep breath, and then put it to her: "How do you know?"

Ellie shrugged. "I don't. I just don't think so. But I really like you. And... I don't mind having to do this too much because you're cool with it, and it rubs off." She nodded. "I can relax because you're relaxed."

"Can I kiss you?" Matt asked in a husky voice. And Ellie nodded.

He leaned in and their lips connected, with just enough magnetism that when he lifted his chin, it guided them into deeper contact. When Ellie had kissed Riley it had been quick – a brief connection of the sensitive, fleshy part of a person that seemed meant to be touched by another. It was a whim, an urge she hadn't denied, and she had thought about the feeling, the rush for weeks afterward. In her mind, she had imagined kissing someone again, unconsciously, of course, and it had made her feel a maddening mixture of pleasure and betrayal. Pleasure because this person she wanted to kiss was so... beautiful. Betrayal because in her mind she could see Riley's round chocolate eyes regarding her with that steady look they had held the moment Ellie had drawn back from the kiss; assurance, and something near to what she hoped was love.

In this moment, she tried to forget both her memories and her fantasies, and focus on Matt, and that he was here. His warmth pervaded the area, and she could feel the soft flutter of the breath out his nostrils against her cheek. It was not unpleasant, to be sure, but she could not shake the feelings of guilt as she did it. Matt broke the kiss very gently, his breathing seeming loud.

"Are you alright?" he whispered, and Ellie nodded, drawing the back of her hand over her mouth without realizing what she did.

"Yeah. Alright." She squirmed, the feeling of heat and strangeness deep within her beginning to play traitor to her well-thought presuppositions. "I – can I touch you?"

"We can do whatever we want," Matt replied, and Ellie nodded, reaching out a hand and lightly brushing it over Matt's dark hair. A thick wave gave under her fingers, and she did it again, seeing Matt's eyes drift closed at her touch. His hand crept around her waist, and she felt herself tense, but did her best to ignore it and continued playing with his hair, her face a mask of concentrated curiosity.

"Take your hair down," Matt murmured at last, and Ellie obeyed silently, pulling the hairtie from her ponytail and feeling the soft strands of her fine hair fall against her cheeks, resting against the back of her neck. Matt shifted upwards on the bed and tightened his hold on her, pressing a hot kiss to her forehead, and Ellie let out a breath, feeling the tingling of her body intensify as the bed pressed into her back. The room suddenly seemed far too warm. Matt looked down on her with infinite kindness ill-concealing desire, and Ellie raised a hand to trace the line of his jaw. It was firm, and hard, not like the jaw she imagined touching, which was soft, and curving... The slight prickle of his whiskers scratched her hand and made a quiet noise in the room as Ellie lifted her head to kiss him on the mouth again, an act which he seemed to find immensely pleasing.

Ellie's head spun, and she was aware of noisy breathing, but hardly realized the breaths were her own. Matt fumbled with their clothing, and she felt his skin against hers, burning as if with a fever. Her eyes were pressed shut, and she could feel every inch of him, inches she both wanted to feel and didn't.

"Are you alright?" Matt asked again, his voice strange, and she nodded. So he began.


	14. Chapter 14

Joel knocked on the door to Ellie's room late the next morning. The sun was high in the sky, and Ellie was not generally in the habit of oversleeping. Matt had left as night was falling, and apparently his and Ellie's absence for the evening was not made much of by anyone else. They had been simply hanging out together after the swimming escapade. Tommy and Maria, even Joel, were starting to be glad to see that she was able to lighten up a bit and find a friend in Matt, if nothing more. This time could not have been any different.

"Ellie –" Joel lifted his voice and rapped again. "Are you up?"

"You can come in," her voice replied, and Joel opened the door to see her sitting, fully dressed in the clothes she wore yesterday, crosslegged upon the rumpled bed.

"You feelin' okay? It's ten o'clock, kiddo."

"I'm fine." Her voice was small. Joel eased the door shut behind him, and Ellie heaved a sigh, pushing her hair back from her face. "I guess I should get dressed."

"You look dressed to me."

"Something clean. I wore this in the creek yesterday, it's going to need washing soon."

Joel chuckled. "Listen to you. Wore the same t-shirt and jeans for a couple 'a months, and now you 'n Maria do laundry every week." He crossed the room and peered out the window. "Sleep alright?" he asked.

Ellie shrugged. "I didn't really sleep."

Joel shook his head before turning, and making as if to go.

"Joel –" Ellie's voice had a catch to it that made the man pause.

"Ellie?" He turned back around to see her looking at her lap, her arms wrapped around herself. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah. Great," she murmured. "I just..." The girl propped one leg up and hid her face in her arm. "I'm gonna have to talk to Matt later and now it's all weird."

Joel's heart had dropped at her words, and suddenly his mind was in a whirl, making too much of her words, or too little, and just hoping, for some reason, that he had misunderstood her.

"What do you mean?" Joel asked, after a false beginning that ended in a cough. "He's a fine young man. He'll be around for work today, and you all can chat and do all the stuff you usually do... Maybe swim some more." He was rambling, and Ellie's eyes were fixed on him as he forced himself to a halt.

"He, ah... we – yesterday he and I –" Ellie stammered, her face a bright color. "He was here, and we'd talked about it, and he said he liked me and everything, and I decided to be cool with it, so he – we..." she broke off, her eyes full. "We did the... thing."

Joel hoped his face didn't reflect his thoughts. She was sitting here before him, a little girl – _a young woman _– and telling him this. That tall young man, that dark-haired Matt from Oklahoma, Ellie's only real friend and newest confidante, had – _Betrayal_ was the word bouncing around in his mind, but Joel knew it wasn't like that. It couldn't have been. Ellie was a strong girl, and wasn't going to do something unless she'd set her mind to it. It was the sheer fact that she must have set her mind to it that baffled him.

"I see," Joel managed, nearly voicelessly. He nodded stupidly, not knowing what else to do, or say, until he lifted his eyes to see Ellie silently swiping at her damp cheeks. And he simply drew her in to a hug and let her cry into his shoulder. At last Ellie snuffled up the last of her tears and forced a laugh.

"I don't know why I'm crying."

Joel took a deep breath. "You sure you're okay with this?"

Ellie's head drooped. "I just – it just sorta happened, and it wasn't that bad, but the whole time, I was thinking –" Her head drooped still lower, her voice almost inaudible. "I don't know. But it was kinda hard."

"Do you love him?" Joel asked her very gently.

Without hesitation Ellie shook her head. "And it's nothing against him," she hurried, "because he's awesome, but it's just – I don't think that's love. We're just friends..."

"Doesn't sound like he thinks that way."

"I don't know what he thinks. He just said he liked me – that he loved me."

"Ellie –" Joel said, scratching his beard. "You're a smart girl, and you know what you want."

"No, I don't," she murmured. "Or I think I do, but I'm scared to, like, really let myself want it."

"What I mean is, you don't go head over heels when a guy says he likes you. Somebody can like you but that don't mean you have to like them back."

"I do like him," Ellie said. "Just not – like that."

Joel shifted on the bed. "What is it you're scared to want?"

Ellie hesitated for a long moment. "Love," she replied at last.

Joel took a deep breath. "I think everybody wants that, Ellie."

"I mean real love."

"What does real love mean?" Joel bent to retie his boot. "-To you?" he added, straightening up.

"Something I can't have," Ellie replied quickly. "I mean, that's really it. The one thing I've always wanted, but can't seem to find. I mean, there's other people I like," she sighed, "but I feel like there's something I should hold back all the time... because I know that I kinda want to find a person that I don't have to hold back, and have them to be the only one. And... I think that's real love." The girl squinted. "And that doesn't make sense at all, but a lot of stuff doesn't make sense and that doesn't make it any less true."

Joel chuckled, and odd sound in the quiet of the room. "You're right."

Ellie looked up at him. "I guess."

He put a heavy hand on her shoulder. "Do you want me to go find Maria and –"

"It's fine," Ellie said quickly. "It's okay. I actually think I'm going to hang out with Anna."

"Anna?" Joel scratched his beard. "That the girl that comes over here sometimes?"

"Yeah, really long hair," Ellie gestured. "She's really cool."

Joel inhaled deeply, standing up. "If you need anything, or want to talk, you tell me. I'll be in the generator room with Tommy, but I ain't stayin' if you need me here."

"It's cool." Ellie bobbed her head. "I just wanna see Anna."

"Okay." Joel stood to his feet, and reached over, ruffling Ellie's hair. He opened his mouth, the urge to say something strong, but felt the distinct lack of what to say even stronger. So he left the room.

As soon as Joel shut the door behind him, Ellie jumped to her feet, only to hiss in pain and limp over to the closet, pulling out the small stack of folded clothes and tossing a pair of jeans and a buttoned flannel shirt onto the bed. After a brief hunt, she found the boy's undershirt that she wore next to her skin in place of the ragged bra that chafed, and proceeded to strip off the clothing she'd both swam and slept in. Shirtless, Ellie picked her way across the floor to the small bathroom, and eyed herself before the mirror, her skin pale and blotched with faded bruises and the assorted scars she'd managed to acquire. Her face looked the same as always, her eyes large and marked beneath with dark smudges, freckles ornamenting her nose and cheeks. Her frame was thin, her shoulders bony, her breasts small. She snorted to herself, remembering the day when that used to concern her. She hadn't had time to think about that in so long.

Anna was far from robust, but she was much less thin and boyish. Her flesh was sun-kissed and soft, and Ellie felt comfort in her hugs from the slight amount of give her fuller form provided. Hugging anyone else never gave that comfort, not even Maria. Joel was pure muscle, and his strength protected her, but she felt the urge to give that same sense of strength and protection to someone else when she embraced them. Matt had been kind, gentle, even, while holding her close to him. His skin had been slick with sweat, his muscles hard somewhere beneath.

Ellie yanked the tank top over her head, and then the flannel, stepping gingerly from her jeans. Ellie had experienced minor alarm when she bled, but Matt assured her that it would be alright, and soaked up her tears with his kisses. She had not cried out, but simply let the water weep down her cheeks. Even now her underpants were slightly stiff, and Ellie grimaced as she pulled on her clean pair and tenderly stepped into her jeans. Gradually, the soreness in her muscles was working itself out, but she still felt the pain between her legs, and gritted her teeth against it as she ran down the stairs, yanked on her shoes, and hurried outside.

"Anna!" she shouted, seeing the girl crossing the compound, her coat a dark splotch of color against the patched metal of the compound wall.

Anna turned, and beamed at Ellie. "Hi!" she called, waving, and joining Ellie in closing the gap between them. Ellie hugged Anna with all her might and main, feeling her small muscles swell beneath her skin and heard Anna make a funny noise near her ear.

"Ellie, you're suffocating me!" she choked, breaking away and gasping for breath. "What's going on?"

"I missed you," Ellie murmured. "It's been forever."

"Only a few days," Anna chuckled. "I've just been busy."

"Well, could you not be? It's miserable by myself."

"What about Matt?" Anna cocked her head. "I thought he promised not to let you get lonely. Didn't he come over and hang out?"

"Yeah," Ellie said, her voice off-handed. "Last evening. It was okay. But it's more fun with you there. He gets..." She cursed under her breath. "He gets weird when it's just the two of us."

Anna stopped, and gripped Ellie's hands, the gesture sending a thrill up Ellie's arms. Her eyes were earnest.

"Ellie, you know he likes you, right?" There was a small line between Anna's brows. "I mean, he really likes you. Anyone could see it."

"Yeah, he told me," Ellie murmured. "And it's super weird. I mean, I like the _three _of us being friends. What about you, and all? We can't just leave you out?"

"I don't feel left out," Anna replied. "I just have to realize you two like each other."

"But I don't like him," Ellie said, pulling on Anna's arms, before releasing her hands. The cool wind evaporated the sweat there. "I just want to be friends."

"Ellie..." Anna began, brushing her hair over her shoulder. "Don't do that on my account. It's okay."

"I – don't – freakin' – like him," Ellie growled. "Get it?"

Anna stared at her. "Alright. If you say so. Just know that he thinks the world of you. Major crush. I've seen it."

Ellie groaned quietly. "Just shut up, alright. I wanted to hang out with you and do cool stuff. Not talk about stupid boys."

Anna's face displayed exaggerated shock. "Wait until Matt hears you called him stupid." She grinned. "Where is he? Do you wanna find him?"

"No," Ellie replied quickly. "No, I just thought, uh... we could have girl time. Heck, you know, talk about comics, ride horses, gather kindling, and stuff. Girl stuff."

Anna elbowed her. "You're so weird."

"I learn from the best," Ellie retorted.

Anna draped her arm around Ellie's shoulder, and they both sighed happily, strutting around the compound a few times, before going to the stables, and checking on the horses. Only one horse was in its stall, the others having been taken out by the men from the Oklahoma group who were assigned hunting duty for the next few days.

Ellie cursed again. "Now what're we going to do?" she complained. "Freakin' horses aren't even here."

"Ever heard of riding double?" Anna said sarcastically. "It's not as if we weigh too much."

"Awesome!" Ellie exclaimed. "I get the front."

"But I'm taller," Anna retorted.

"Great, then you can see over me."

"That's not fair, you're not that much shorter," Anna began.

"And you're not that much taller," interrupted Ellie. They stared at each other for a minute before bursting out laughing, and Ellie managed, "Alright, you get the front. But only because your big butt won't fit behind the saddle."

"I do not have a big butt!" Anna squeaked. "Just because you have _no _butt doesn't mean you should make fun of mine!"

"You're so darn sensitive," Ellie grumbled. "Just get over it."

Anna threw a handful of hay at her and promptly sneezed. "Get the saddle, Ellie."


	15. Chapter 15

Ellie did a good job of avoiding Matt for the next several weeks. Somehow, it had just become too awkward, and she argued with herself whether she was making a bigger deal of this than she ought, or whether she was doing the right thing.

"I'm starting to feel like that girl in that stupid diary," she mumbled to herself one morning, lying in bed, feeling a lack of interest in everything, even moving. "I need to go and shoot something with Joel. Or talk with Anna." With that thought in her head, she launched up and got dressed.

The sun was shining brightly but there was a nip in the air, a reminder that winter was never far away in Wyoming, and Ellie zipped her jacket up to her chin, her quiver slung over her back, bow in hand.

"Morning, Buckley," she said, scratching the hound behind the ears and letting his lazy tongue lick her face. "So much slobber," she complained with a quiet laugh, wiping her face on her sleeve. "What's your deal?"

With a final pat, Ellie straightened, and walked on, feeling like grinning for the first time in a long while, and she even went so far as to nod at the few that she sighted on their way home after the night shift on the walls. Making her way through the gate, across the dam, and down the rise into the woods, Ellie inhaled the fresh air around her and felt the heaviness in her limbs slowly begin to dispel.

The pinch behind her stomach made her regret her decision to forgo breakfast, but Ellie ignored it as she took up her post in a good stand of trees, determined to bring something good home for lunch. They'd been subsisting on canned food and MRE's brought by the Oklahomans for some time now, and she was famished for real meat. Even in the warm weather, there was hardly any game about.

"Not like a deer's gonna wander by here," Ellie murmured to herself, just as a rustling was heard in the branches to her right. She tensed, and notched an arrow, her eyes quickly scanning the underbrush. She waited a long moment, her eye narrowed, until, with a noisy scuffling sound, a pair of skunks burst through, untangling themselves and ambling aimlessly across the clearing.

Ellie cursed under her breath, and eased her bowstring back down, glaring at the striped creatures as they disappeared into the scrub once again.

"Yeah, yeah..." she muttered. "Not going to shoot you, stinky things. Made that mistake once and I'm _never_ doing that again."

"Never doing what again?"

Gasping, Ellie spun and trained her arrow on the figure standing behind her, who slowly lifted his hands.

"I come in peace?" he said, raising his eyebrows, and Ellie rolled her eyes.

"What kind of moron sneaks up on someone when they're hunting!"

"I didn't sneak!" Matt exclaimed, his eyes wide. "I just wanted to talk to you. It's.. been a while." He shuffled his feet, and shrugged. "And, well, you were talking to the skunks, and I heard your voice, so I came on over."

"There's no way you heard that," Ellie grumbled, climbing from her spot hidden in the bushes and slinging her bow over her back, realizing that she wasn't going to bring home anything good today unless it be her friend the bookworm, and she didn't feel like joking about cannibalism quite yet, to be honest.

"That's better." Matt let out an audible breath. "For someone so small, you sure know how to intimidate something much bigger than you."

"What are you doing out here?" Ellie's voice was low. "There could be bandits. Or infected."

"I was reading. There's a good spot close to the creek."

Ellie blinked. _Reading_. "Reading what?"

"Fenelon." Matt shrugged. "It's good to go back over the parts I've skimmed in the past. I always learn something new. It's like catching up with an old friend." His eyes shone, and the girl looked at the ground. "I've missed you, Ellie. How are you?" It seemed an innocent question, but suddenly laden with more. _Since..._

Ellie met his eyes at last. "Fine. You?"

"Fine. Though needing my repayment for teaching you to swim."

"Oh! That." Ellie cracked a small smile. "I seriously just forgot."

"Have some time now?"

"I guess. We'd better head back."

They returned to the settlement in silence: a silence which neither could decide was awkward or companionable. Matt waited for her on the porch of Tommy and Maria's house, and took a seat when she returned. Squinting, Ellie descended to the steps beside him, turning her head this way and that, examining the angle of Matt's face. He strove to hide his smile.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to figure out where to cut first."

"Don't make it real short. I don't want to look like a gladiator."

"What's that?" Ellie was beginning to sound like herself again. She wrinkled her nose. "Sounds like a big machine that's supposed to make people happy. You know – glad."

Matt laughed outright. "You're so weird."

"Well, what is it?"

"A gladiator's a trained fighter. They used to have big staged battles in Ancient Rome in this arena, and the fighters were called gladiators. They fought to the death. The last one standing went home with fame and glory and the privilege of knowing he'd killed everyone else in order to have his own life spared by the crown." Matt's face was sober. "It was a brutal age."

Ellie exhaled. "No kidding. Did this have a point?"

Matt shook his head. "Entertainment."

"That sucks," Ellie said. "No, we don't want you to look like a gladiator."

Matt's hair was thick and lay in errant waves around his ears and down the back of his neck. His entire forehead was obscured by his overgrown forelock, and Ellie started there, picking a piece, and trimming it with the shears. Slowly, a view of Matt's eyebrows could be seen, but not much more, and then she began to reveal his ears, and finally, the back of his neck.

Coming back around to the front, Ellie tussled his hair, the act sending a sensation through the young man to the very tips of his toes, and examined the locks again.

"Your eyes are so big when you're concentrating," Matt murmured with a smile, and Ellie simply blinked, and continued to examine him, reaching up and snipping a final piece of hair. She was so close that she could smell his scent; he smelled of engine oil and the outdoors, and she turned away.

"You're done."

"Great."Matt stood, a bit stiffly, and brushed the stray bits of hair from his shirt and jeans. "Brush off the back?" he asked, coming down a step and turning as Ellie mounted the stairs behind him and spanked his shoulders off more vigorously than was probably necessary.

"Easy," he breathed, turning, and meeting her eyes. "Everything alright?"

Ellie nodded, her shoulders drooping. "I've been thinking a lot. Too much, probably."

Matt inhaled slowly. "I understand."

"It sucks to grow up and have to start thinking about things." She pushed her bangs out of her eyes and bent, setting the shears down on the porch. "I shouldn't hold sharp things when I'm mad," she said in a flat tone.

"Come here," Matt murmured, and for some strange reason, she did so, as he enfolded her in a hug. Ellie's cheek pressed against his chest, feeling the toned muscles there, and the gentle strain of the sinews in his arm against her back. At first it was comforting, but the increasing pressure made her fight the urge to squirm.

He released her at last. "Sit." He patted the top step, and she brushed the hair clippings aside, taking a seat beside him as he pulled at tiny book from his pocket. "Fenelon?"

She shrugged.

"This is something I'm constantly reminding myself," Matt murmured, opening the worn binding. "'Do not trust to your good intentions if they are barren and without result. Labor bravely to become gentle and humble of heart. If something is done amiss which only affects you personally, and what is due to yourself, hear it without saying anything.'" He nodded to himself, as if enjoying the absorption of his self-administered proverbs. "'If any hasty word has escaped you, after inward humiliation for it, make amends by speaking kindly, and doing some little act of kindness, if possible, to those whom you have treated rudely. Never forget how God has dealt –'"

Matt stopped short as Ellie got up and dashed within the house, shutting the door behind her.


	16. Chapter 16

"Ellie?" Joel called, as the girl rushed past him, her hoodie a multi-colored blur. "Ellie?"

"I'm fine!" she called in a strange voice, thundering up the stairs, and shutting the door. Joel stood from where he had been kneeling on the floor, examining a pair of sights he had removed from the barrel of Tommy's rifle, and took a deep breath, going to the bottom of the staircase and pausing. Footsteps thudded across the floor, then he heard the hollow reverberation of her guitar being bumped. A sentence full of swearing, and an angry discordant sweep of the strings.

"Ellie?"

"What!"

"Can I come up?"

"I dunno, your legs working?" she called back, and Joel chuckled in spite of himself, mounting the stairs. Her door was open.

"What's goin' on?"

"Nothing." She shrugged.

"Your face looks like a thundercloud."

"Your face looks like a grizzly bear."

"Hey." He crossed his arms. "_What_ is goin' on?"

"I said nothing, I just can't get this stupid F chord."

Ellie twisted her mouth sideways and contorted her fingers over the frets, her knuckles white as she gripped the neck of the instrument, and strummed a haphazard combination of notes. Cursing again, she strummed it harder.

"It won't work." She looked up, her face pale.

Joel knew the guitar was not the problem, but he was familiar enough with the feeling of venting somehow to let her be.

"Here, lemme see what you're doin'." Joel sat on the chair and hitched it up closer, meeting her eyes. "Make sure that you get this one out of the way, so your pinky can reach clear to here. Lean 'em a little this way. Now try it again."

Ellie allowed her fingers to be manipulated over the strings, and a wavering, but generally-F- chord filled the room.

"Cool," she murmured. "I've been needing this one for forever."

"Better?"

"Lots," she said, plucking the strings one by one, and adjusting her fingers, her tongue making a bump in her cheek as she concentrated. Joel opened his mouth to begin to say something, when he heard a knock on the door downstairs, and then a hesitant:

"Hello?"

"Anna!" Ellie jumped to her feet, thrusting the guitar at Joel, but suddenly stumbled, losing her balance and lurching into the doorframe. The palms of her hands hit the wood with a dull thud, and she cursed.

"Careful, grace," Joel scolded, twisting around in his chair.

"Holy moly," she breathed. "My head felt weird there for a minute."

"Sit down," Joel said. "Did you eat somethin' today?"

"No," Ellie said hurriedly, recovering and clattering down the stairs. He heard the sound of the door open, and hurried excited voices, and descended the stairs slowly.

The girls stood just in the doorway, and Ellie had her hands jammed into the pockets of her hoodie, rocking forward and backward on her feet in excitement as her friend talked.

"Hi, Joel," Anna said, breaking off, and giving him a grin. "How're you?"

"Fine, fine," he said a bit gruffly, bending, and picking up his project from the floor. "Just fixin' to reattach those sights."

Anna nodded, and said, "Mind if I steal Ellie?"

"Long as you bring her back," Joel said, and Ellie waved a hand.

"He doesn't care that much. Keep me as long as you like."

"Matt said you ran off all upset, and probably needed cheering up," Anna began, and Ellie sobered a little. Joel did his best to feel like he was not eavesdropping, but it wasn't exactly working.

"Yeah?" Her voice was cheerful – falsely so. "Well, I'm better now, I just remembered something I wanted to do and didn't want to, you know, like forget."

"What did he do to his hair, do you know?"

"I cut it for him," Ellie deadpanned, and Anna covered her mouth in a snicker.

"What!" Ellie glared. "Does it look dumb?"

"Come on," Anna said simply, dragging Ellie out the door. Matt was across the courtyard, lending a hand to Tommy, his father, and Earl in pitching new hay into the stables – the hay being long grasses that grew on the western-side of the river, in a meadow – and waved when he sighted the two. Gestures explained his request for absence, and momentarily he jogged toward them.

"Ellie – I'm really sorry," he began, his eyes earnest. "Did I upset you somehow?"

"It's nothing, I just – forgot something I needed to grab," Ellie said. "Anna came and got me."

"Yeah, we've missed you! So." Anna looked back and fourth between the two, eyes alight. "Let's do something crazy."

"I don't know what to do," Ellie complained, shrugging, and sticking her hands back into her pockets. "I was enjoying a nice quiet day of –"

"What?"

"Cutting Matt's hair and playing my guitar."

"Okay, well, you can't cut his hair anymore or else he won't have any left –"

"-Hey!"

"It's true!" Anna protested. "He looks like a gladiator!"

"Seriously?" Ellie groaned. "Did everybody in the world know what that was _except_ me?"

"Go get your guitar, Ellie. Matt, what were you doing – aside from shoveling the barns?"

"I was going to write..." he admitted.

"What?"

"It's a secret."

"You totally were going to write a sequel to Savage Starlight, you said you loved it," Ellie began, her lips pursed.

"True, but not that much."

"It's good!"

"Ellie, get your guitar, Matt, find your notebook and meet me back here. We are going to do something amazing," Anna ordered in a dramatic voice. Ellie watched her eagerly, like a dog watches his master.

"What are we going to do?"

"I'll tell you when I'm done finding my part! I'm looking for some crates, meet me back here as soon as you can!"

Laughing confusedly, the three split up, and Ellie hurried into the house, almost falling up the stairs in an attempt to hurry.

Something about Anna. Whatever it was, it made Ellie's heart stop whenever she was in the room with her. Whenever she talked, Ellie listened. Wherever she went, Ellie wanted to follow. Her glances were like drops of cool sweet rain and her smiles pure gold. Ellie's heart felt warmed that her existence was even acknowledged by such an amazing creature.

Barging back into the sunlight, Ellie's feet hit the ground in an uneven pattern as she loped up to where Anna was dragging crates and other debris from where it lay against the outside of the houses into a ramshackle pile.

"What the _heck_ are you doing?" Ellie laughed. "Tommy's going to kill you, we just got all that crap cleaned up."

Anna stood back, and surveyed her work, hands on her hips, a lock of dark hair falling into her eyes. She blew it away with a strategic puff of her breath.

"What does it look like to you?"

"A pile of junk," Ellie replied, shrugging.

Anna grabbed her by the shoulders and shook the girl until she laughed, saying, "Use your imagination, you idiot!"

"Okay, okay!" Ellie gasped, pulling herself free, and squinting at the mess. "A... spaceship. That's the cockpit, and those are the wings." She bounded forward enthusiastically, and tugged a few boards into place. "And this – this is the teleportation device!"

Anna beamed. "Let's _do_ Savage Starlight."

Matt's voice interrupted. "_Do_ Savage Starlight?"

"Yes." Anna's was determined. "Ellie, give us an intro. Matt, you write what to say, and I'll say it, I swear. And I'll say it –" she took an unsteady step up onto a crate, "-epicly!" She spread her arms and struck a pose. Ellie laughed out loud.

"You're such a dork. Let's do this."

Matt grinned appreciatively, and whispered, "Do you think she's insane?"

"Yeah, but I don't care, I love her," Ellie replied hurriedly, grunting as she sat on the ground and pulled her guitar into position. She strummed an off-key chord, and then drummed on the side of the wood dramatically.

"Endure and survive – that was their mandate," Matt began in a deep, ominous voice, scribbling furiously in his notebook. "But endurance... was a matter of wit – and survival... a matter of time."

A few passersby in the compound cast strange glances at the teenagers, but no one said a word, and they resumed their business with an eye on the commotion from afar.

Ellie plucked a few single notes in a quick succession and polished them off with a quick chord as Anna settled herself in her craft, brow lowered, jaw set. Ellie began to do her best to pick a furious flying-at-the-speed-of-light kind of song on her guitar, but she had the feeling that it was sounding more like a crow pulling on the wires of a dismembered robot... the image was vivid in her head, and she squinted, focusing on the frets and sliding her fingers up and down, emitting robot-like noises, or what she imagined robot-like noises sounded like...

"Ellie!" Matt nudged her with the toe of his boot. "Hello? Background music?"

"Hm? Oh!" Ellie looked up to see Anna doing her best to fight an imaginary Traveler, and she twanged a succession of notes on the same string.

"For crying out loud, Ellie, get in the mood!" Anna exclaimed, jumping down from the crate fort, and taking the guitar from her.

"Watch it!" Ellie yelped. "Be nice to it!"

"Let's switch. You be Daniella, and I'll play the music –"

"What if I want to play the music?" Matt's eyebrows lifted. "I used to know a song or two on guitar."

"Okay then," Anna passed the instrument to the writer and taking his notebook in hand. "And I'll do the narrating." She squinted at the paper, bringing it close to her face. "How can you even read this?"

"It's shorthand," Matt said quickly, taking it back and flipping to blank page. "It's like a code. There you go." He passed the notebook back and a strange look passed between the two. Anna took a deep breath.

"Okay, Ellie, you're facing a band of one hundred Travelers – singlehandedly." She dropped her voice to add to the melodrama, and began to scribble on the paper.

"I got this," Ellie muttered, a determined look on her face as she mounted the pile of rubble, and scrambled to the top.

"Listen, you Traveler –" Ellie began to shout her opinions of the evil alien race with every colorful word she knew when she felt the world shift beneath her – not just the pile of debris – and her vision wavered. She blinked rapidly, and felt her legs sway, her friends' voices calling out from behind a buzzing in her ears.

"Ellie? Ellie, are you okay?" Anna said loudly, the grip on her arm almost painful as she escorted her down from the junk heap. "Ellie?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbled, "just almost... it's like everything went all fuzzy and blackish for a second."

"Just... take it easy," Matt said, grabbing her around the waist and helping her to the steps of Tommy and Maria's house. "How do you feel?"

"Great," Ellie breathed, as she passed clean out.


	17. Chapter 17

The moment Ellie came to, she started pushing at the hand that tried to hold her down.

"What happened?" she asked, her voice loud in her ears as Anna and Matt's blurred faces came into focus, and slower, Maria and Joel's.

"You fainted, Ellie," Anna said in a sober voice. "I don't know what happened. You just sort of – went."

"Well, now I'm back," she said, grunting and pulling herself into a sitting position. Matt placed a restraining hand on her shoulder as Maria's voice commanded, "Stay there, Ellie. You're probably still dizzy. Anna, get her some water?"

Anna dashed off without waiting to be bidden twice as Joel knelt and pulled Ellie into his arms, getting to his feet as she snorted quietly against him.

"Gosh. I'm getting royal treatment."

"Quiet. We're going to get you some food."

Matt trailed up the steps, his eyes wide, feeling useless. "Anything I can do, Joel?" he asked.

"Ellie, anything Matt can do?"

"Yeah, make sure that my guitar doesn't get left outside..."

Joel chuckled. "You heard her." He side-stepped through the screen door which Maria held open for him, and was met by Anna bearing a cup of water.

"Here," she said breathlessly.

"Holy crap, I'm not dead, I just passed out," Ellie said irritably, squirming in Joel's arms. "Put me down."

"Now, sit still," Joel ordered, holding her tight and walking into the living room, depositing her on the couch. "Don't you even think about gettin' up til you finish that water and whatever food Maria brings you, understand? You can't expect to go around all invincible without eatin' food and drinkin' water."

Ellie nodded guiltily.

"And when you're done, you go out there and clean up that mess you made in the compound. I don't know what you were doin', but it looks like an eyesore to me."

"Matt and I can clean it up," Anna said, pushing against the young man as he entered, bearing the guitar.

"Hey! Hold it – Ellie, where do you want this?"

"Hm." Her voice echoed into the water cup, and she swallowed. "Anywhere."

"C'mon, let's go clean up. Take it easy, we'll be back," Anna called, leaving no room for protest, and ushering Matt back out the door.

Maria met Joel in the kitchen, her hands on her hips. "This ever happened to her before?"

Joel shook his head. "No, but she didn't eat nothing this morning, and may have just..." He trailed off, shrugging.

Maria dropped her voice. "Sometimes a girl will get faintish, you know..." She trailed off, and Joel took a deep breath.

"Alright, just don't push it. I'm goin' to meet Tommy over there by that rift in the fence."

Maria nodded, and turned to begin scrounging up something from the kitchen cabinets.

Meanwhile, Anna and Matt worked in silence, dragging the debris back to its respective piles. Anna inhaled sharply as a splinter entered her finger, and Matt lifted his head.

"What happened?"

"Splinter," she called. "Not life-threatening."

He chuckled, and took his notebook from the keg which had been supporting it, and tucked it under one arm.

"Did you ever read the comic?"

Anna shook her head. "No." A smile twisted her mouth. "But I think I should, if only because you and Ellie like it so much."

"It's good. I'd like to write an expanded novelized version of it. Something with more narrative, more description. Less dialogue and sound-effects."

Anna cocked her head. "But it's an action story."

Matt squinted. "Yes. But I think that even though people have to be ready to do anything at a moment's notice in this kind of society, attention spans should be trained to be longer, cultivate a more sophisticated palate for the written word... The way things used to be."

Anna was listening raptly; he had no idea how out of place he was in this crude hand-to-mouth world. He had the spirit of a higher being, the spirit of one from another universe, which might be earth-bound for some short time, but would eventually wing its flight whence it came, taking any and every pure soul it had converted to a doctrine of a finer world and higher thought with it on the glorious journey. Anna didn't realize she was staring until it was too late.

"Ellie," she murmured at last, looking away, an uncharacteristic awkwardness overcoming her. "Let's go check on her."

"Everything okay?" Matt asked. "With you, I mean?" He wasn't sure if he had detected something strange in her mannerisms, and always wanted to err on the side of cautious kindness.

"Yeah." Anna flashed a smile for his benefit, her eyes sparkling, hiding whatever thoughts had nearly risen to the surface. _That sexy black-haired writer. The one that I've known for way longer, and who still doesn't pay me any attention. _

Some time passed, and the day that the grass finally began to take on a decidedly green hue, Ellie was sitting with Tommy and Joel at the kitchen table cleaning the firearms.

"Hey," Ellie spoke up, breaking the silence. "Matt is scared of guns, isn't he."

"Haven't talked to him about it, but he doesn't seem too fond of 'em," Tommy replied with a slight chuckle.

"Somebody should teach him to shoot."

Joel let out a snort. "I think his dad tried. At least that's what I hear. My thinkin' if someone can't handle a gun safely, don't give 'em a gun at all."

"How's anyone supposed to learn, then?" Tommy put in. "We got together a little group of the women who wanted to learn to shoot some time back and taught 'em all – now we've got more people who can fight if we need to."

"Tell me that when somebody gets his head blown off in an 'accident'," Joel grumbled, sighting down the barrel of the shotgun, satisfied at last with its cleanliness. "Like I said. Somebody who's scared of a gun sure as heck shouldn't be shootin' one."

"I could teach him," Ellie put in, looking between the two men. Joel stared at her as if she had just announced she had six fingers, while Tommy tried in vain to cover his chortling with coughing.

"That's funny, Ellie," Tommy managed at last, clearing his throat. "Real funny."

"I'm serious." Her green eyes were wide. "Maybe... maybe not not with a gun - try a bow instead. My bow."

"That bow ain't yours," Joel protested.

"I use it more than you," Ellie shot back. "But I think he should have a chance. Another chance. In case he..." she gestured, "I dunno, grew out of it."

"Ellie, I see where you're comin' from, but I don't think it's worth it," Joel said, taking a deep breath. "It only takes a second of stupidity for somethin' to happen -"

"What, like, break an arrow? Shoot a wall?"

Tommy seemed to be thoroughly enjoying their banter. "I think a bow's a safe bet. Just make sure you're shootin' into the woods or away from any entrances where there could be people."

"Pffff," Ellie rolled her eyes. "Yeah. I'm not _stupid_."

She twisted the barrel of her revolver around and around in the silence that followed, the noise the only sound in the room.

"You gonna be all twitchy until you get an answer, huh?" Joel said, giving her something near a reluctant smile.

"Yeah." She shifted in her chair, pushing in the ejector pin and laying her gun on the table.

"Fine. Go on, then," Joel said, shooing a hand at her. "You ain't much use here. May as well teach the kid something he oughtta know."

"Awesome- I promise I'll be careful!" Ellie burst out, untangling her legs from those of the chair and getting to her feet. A few moments later she exited the house, her bow slung over her back, a stash of arrows in her hand.

"Matt..." she called, hurrying between the tipsy rows of structures. "Matt!"

"In the generator room," Maria called from her position near the north gate. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine, I'm gonna teach Matt to shoot!" she called back, waving her handful of arrows at the woman, who nodded with silent approval.

Matt came forth, wiping his hands on his jeans. "Hey, Ellie." He smiled, and offered an arm for a side hug, but Ellie gestured to the bow.

"Hey, can you get away?"

He cocked his head. "Are you... going hunting?"

"Yep, and you're coming – if they'll let you."

Matt hesitated. "I don't... I'm not good at shooting things."

Ellie put her free hand on her hip. "It's _target_ practice, you wimp."

"What?" he said, astonishment pitching his voice high. "What did you call me?"

"A wimp!" Ellie repeated, a challenge in her eyes. "You should learn to shoot. Protect yourself."

"I've seen enough of that..." Matt murmured, going a shade paler than his normal hue. "We're safe here. I don't want to kill anything unless I have to."

"Nope." Ellie's voice was firm. "One, we're trying to _survive_ here. Talk about 'higher feelings' or whatever can come after this infection thing is wiped out. Two, unless you wanna be a vegetarian, we've gotta shoot stuff. For food. But, since I'm nice, today we can shoot trees." She started to offer him the handful of arrows, but snatched them out of reach with an afterthought. "Unless... that's going to mess up your hopes of a good society."

"Just give me the arrows, Ellie," Matt grumbled, taking them from her and giving her a gentle push toward the gate. "You know, if I didn't like you so much, and if you weren't a girl, I might shove you."

"Go ahead." Ellie shrugged. "It might feel good to get it out of your system."

Matt just laughed. "Where are we going?"

"Just outside the wall. We can shoot the trees to the east."

Ellie showed him how to hold the bow – something that came fairly naturally to the young man, and then how to notch an arrow to the string.

"Not so high, look." She adjusted it. "Or you're gonna shoot the ground. Not that handy."

"Thank you, O Wise One," Matt murmured, squinting an eye shut and sighting down the shaft.

"Anytime," Ellie replied. "Alright. So, pull it back, and don't let it go til you're sure of what you're shooting. Yup, all the way back to your cheek."

Matt did so, his arms shaking slightly as he bent the bow as far as she instructed. "Gosh, Ellie, how do you do this?"

"Practice. You can still lift more than me," she consoled. "Whenever you're ready."

Matt released the bowstring with a twang and the arrow struck the bark of the tree with a thud, embedding itself deep within the wood.

"You're a natural!" Ellie crowed. "Do another!"

Suppressing a smile, Matt notched another arrow and started to draw it back when Ellie's voice interrupted - "Hey, hey, remember, don't do that with your elbow." She demonstrated. "Burns like hell if the string hits it. Believe me, I know."

Nodding, Matt adjusted his stance and successfully fired a few more shots, most striking the ground near the tree, but a few driving deep into the bark.

"See?" Ellie tilted her head, the wind toying with wisps of hair around her face. "It's not hard."

"And not as loud as a gun," Matt admitted approvingly. "I like it."

"Good. Now we've just gotta go get –" Mid-sentence, Ellie stopped short, her face blanching as a strange pain struck deep within her torso. She doubled over wordlessly, her arm clamped across her middle, her other arm outstretched for support against the compound wall.

"Ellie-?" Matt grabbed her by the shoulders. "What is it?"

"Gosh," she gasped. "N-nothing, I just – all the sudden I got all weird feeling. Like somebody tied my stomach in a knot."

"I kind of doubt that," Matt said, worry seeping into his voice. "Come on, let's get these arrows and get back."

Ellie walked gingerly down the length of their improvised range and helped Matt collect the arrows in silence. As they walked back, she started to say, "Hey, don't mention that to Jo –"

"Don't mention what to Joel?" The man himself stood there. "Nice shootin' by the way."

"How do you know?" Matt inquired, somewhat bemused.

"Well, neither of you are bleedin', so I'm guessing it went okay."

"Ellie did have a strange thing – a cramp, I guess –" She trod on his foot too late.

"It's nothing," Ellie said, but the remaining pallor of her face, making her freckles stand out like flecks of dirt on a sheet of paper, convinced Joel otherwise.

"Tell your dad I'll be along in a bit," Joel said curtly to Matt, who nodded, and handed over the bow to the girl.

"Bye, Ellie. Thanks for your patience."

"Joel, what're you –"

"Just keep walkin'."

Joel ushered Ellie directly back to Tommy and Maria's house, ignoring her confused protests all the way up the stairs. He escorted her through the doorway of her room with a hand on the back of her shoulder, and stood with his arms folded as she sat on the edge of the bed. Something in his stance, in his countenance frightened her. It was as if... she had done something wrong. Whatever it was, if it made Joel act this way, it shouldn't be brushed off. She shivered.

"What happened," he demanded.

"I don't know what happened, I was fine one minute, and all the sudden –"

"Did you eat breakfast?"

"No," Ellie scowled, "I hardly ever eat breakfast."

"That's new."

"Not really." She shrugged. "I'm not hungry when I wake up like I used to be." Ellie furrowed her brow and stretched slightly, rubbing her torso as if checking that the cramp was really gone. "Scared the crap out of Matt..." she murmured.

"You've been scarin' the crap out of everybody, Ellie," Joel said in a low voice. "This is gettin' serious."

"I just don't know what the heck –" The girl stopped short, her eyes moving quickly, nervously. "It's so weird, I'm fine, and then all the sudden I'm –"

"Ellie," Joel said, sudden realization dawning on him, as he unfolded his arms and pitched his voice to a more calming tone, "You'd better talk to Maria about this, I don't know if I –"

"I don't want to talk to her!" Ellie burst out, her voice breaking, her eyes enormous. "I don't want to talk to anyone about it except you! Tell me what's going on."

"But I ain't an expert on girls' –"

"You had a wife," Ellie spat, "or a girlfriend, or something, whatever Sarah's mother was, so you'd better not pretend to know less about weirdness like this than I do, because it isn't true."

Joel stiffened, and his eyes grew glassy. "Don't you talk like that, you hear?" he managed, his voice low and gravely. "You don't bring up something that hurts to somebody when you're mad, ever. Got that?"

"I'm getting scared," Ellie whispered, drawing her knees up to her chest, and giving in to the shaking the wracked her small frame. "You're scaring me, what in the world did I do?"

Joel's resolve cracked. "Come here, baby," he muttered, pulling her into his arms.

"Am I getting infected?" Ellie managed. "Is my immunity wearing off, what's going on..."

"You need to talk to Maria," Joel said, disturbance on his face, but Ellie pulled away, facing him.

"_No_! _You_ tell me what's going on, Joel!"

Joel let his eyes fall shut, and inhaled a deep breath. "We already did this before, and I said I wasn't gonna explain it again –"

"I need to know." Her voice was hard, her jaw set.

Joel met her gaze. "That bleedin' thing I told you about, yeah? Has it been happening?"

"Not for a while, but it comes and goes," Ellie said in a low voice, shrugging.

Joel cursed under his breath.

"What?" Ellie's voice pitched higher. "What is it?"


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Apparently my last chapter glitched and the format was all wibbly. Terribly sorry about that, this should be better! Enjoy!**

* * *

"Go. Talk to Maria." He pointed at the door.

"_No_!" Ellie practically shouted. "I don't have to listen to you! What does that mean?"

"You're not bleedin' any more?" Joel said, his voice louder than decency.

"No!" Ellie replied with an equal amount of indecorous volume.

"Then usin' the information I told you that one time, you oughtta be able to figure it out!" he finished, his words echoing about the room in the silence that followed.

"W-what information?" Ellie said at last, her voice scarcely more than a haggard whisper. Realization dawned on her, and she solidified the moment with a string of quiet swearing. She looked up and met Joel's gaze, her eyes reflecting pure terror.

"What do I do?" she croaked. "Holy –" She wrapped her arm around the lower half of her face, her mouth buried in the inside of her elbow.

"Ellie..." Joel said in a low voice. "We are gonna work it out."

"How can anyone be sure," she managed around her sleeve. "_Can_ anyone be sure?"

"Circumstances... given the circumstances – I think -" Joel shook his head, releasing a sigh and drawing a hand over his beard. "It ain't your fault."

"Well, then whose fault is it?" Ellie asked, her eyes wide, dazed. "Matt's? Yours? Tommy and Maria's?"

"I don't think that really matters," Joel returned quietly. "Blamin' people gets you nowhere."

Ellie made no response, simply let herself fall back on the bed and pull her legs up to her chest, her head tucked down into her knees.

Joel took in a deep breath through his nose. He knew. He understood. The same thing had happened before – something unexpected, something that hits you like ton of bricks, leaving you speechless, breathless – but most of all, terrified. When he was her age, he resisted the urge to curl up into a ball and quit life until he could get things sorted out, resuming again when he felt better about the whole thing; when he knew what to do. But knew very well such a thing was not possible, and he told her so, stretching out full length on the bed by her side.

"Listen, baby girl," Joel began, his voice ragged. "I understand. It's rough. The world ain't fair, is it."

"You got that right," Ellie said, her voice muffled.

"I don't have anything big and special or nothin' to say. Except that you're a strong one, and you can do it."

"What if I don't want to do it," she returned in a small voice. "I didn't sign up to do it."

"Did you sign up for life?"

She snorted slightly. "Heck, no."

"But you got it anyway, and so did everyone else on this godforsaken planet. So we gotta keep goin'. And you keep goin' as good as anyone else I know. Better, sometimes."

"You're being nice because you're _sorry_ for me, Joel," she said, lifting her face, and hauling herself up into a sitting position. "And that's... freakin' me out."

"I ain't sorry for you, Ellie. We all have different crap to pull through in life, and here's your latest -" he groped for a word, scratching the back of his head, "-_crap_."

"You're sounding like this is really horrible or something. This is what Tommy and Maria wanted." Ellie said, squirming slightly. "And I'd finally decided to be okay with it."

Joel met his eyes. "Are you really okay with it?"

She looked away. "I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I."

His eyes followed her gaze out the window, into the amber glow of the setting sun's rays trying in vain to filter through the hazy glass. For a long pause, silence reigned. At last, Joel spoke.

"What else you got to do today?" he asked quietly. It was so simple, so comforting. Life went on.

"Ohhh..." Ellie inhaled deeply, running a hand through her hair. "Stuff and things. I guess I should go help Maria, she wanted me to take a shift on watch – join the rotation, or whatever."

Joel was nodding slowly. "Alright then." He grunted as he sat up and got to his feet, pointing a finger at her. "You take it easy. No more of this scarin' us business."

"Joel..." Ellie breathed, her voice light, arresting his steps. She looked very small on the bed. "What the _heck_ am I gonna do?"

His eyes dropped to the ground. "What you always do when things are rough, Ellie. Which is kinda the normal state of things." An unwarranted chuckle rose to his lips. "Makin' your stupid jokes always seemed to help, huh."

"It's good to keep things not so serious..." Ellie murmured. "The other day I said something that made Anna laugh at least."

"Hm. And what was that." Joel folded his arms, feeling a small glimmer of hope that the train of conversation was keeping her mind off the topic at hand. Escapism at its best. Sometimes that was one of the only things that had kept him going. No matter what it was, keeping your mind off things.

"Oh, she was talking about muscles. And I was talking about my muscles..." Ellie's voice grew slightly more animated, "-which are totally bigger than hers, by the way – I mean, her arms are bigger, but if we're talking about actual_ muscles_, I'm way stronger. Anyway. She was telling me all these names she remembered learning in school for the different muscle groups. They all ended in -ceps: biceps, triceps..." Ellie snickered. "So I said cordyceps. And we laughed like idiots for, like, forever." She grinned. "It was awesome."

"You are a _weird _kid," Joel said, somewhat playing up the gruffness.

"But you still love me," Ellie retorted sweetly.

He stopped short. "Now, when have I ever said that?" His tone was slightly accusing; her smile caved in like the soft dirt by the edges of the creek.

"I- I didn't mean..." she stammered. "I just – we came to an understanding. I thought that -"

"No. You're right." Joel felt the lump rise in his throat. It had been a long-standing relationship, but one he had never dared to voice. He pressed his lips together, nodding wordlessly. "I've grown to love you, kiddo."

"Yeah. I kinda love you too," she murmured, getting to her feet, and moving in for a quick hug. He pressed her head into his chest.

"Go on, now, don't keep Maria waitin'."

"'Kay." She looked up and nodded, her eyelashes stuck together with carefully held-in tears. Joel stood in the doorway of her room looking down the stairs long after she had gone.

Maria spotted Ellie coming across the courtyard and called to her.

"About time!"

"Yeah, yeah..." Ellie returned, as she started to mount the steps. As she climbed, she dictated, "So, I was helping Joel and Tommy clean the guns, then I taught Matt how to shoot the bow -"

"I saw that," Maria interrupted, pointing over the compound wall to the spot where their trampled footprints could still be seen in the mud. "What was Joel getting you in trouble for?"

"Oh, just... stuff," Ellie said somewhat moodily.

"I saw him hustling you off."

"Like I said, just stuff."

"He doesn't want you hanging out with Matt?"

Ellie blew her lips. "Pff. He doesn't care. He just didn't want anyone to get hurt, 'cause Matt's clumsy."

"Ah." Maria narrowed her eyes, turning slightly, and scanning the treeline across the river. "Well, he's a nice boy. Glad you two are friends."

Ellie listened carefully for any subliminal intentions in the statement, but detected none.

"Yeah," she agreed somewhat too quickly. "Yep, me too. So, tell me how to do this watch thingy."

Maria chuckled, and put a hand on Ellie's shoulder, guiding her alongside.

"Well, did you bring any weapons?"

Ellie cursed, and bolted for the stairs, but Maria caught her by the hoodie.

"Hold on, hold on. Take mine. There's a full magazine in there, and an extra in here." She kicked at a loose piece of paneling. "Don't use it unless you have to. You're looking for anyone in the woods, among the rocks, or down by the riverbed in the shallow places." She pointed. "Bandits. Or infected. Don't shoot at animals from the walls, that's not allowed. Hunting is different and know the protocol when a hunting group goes out. The gate the group left from tells the others. That way accidents don't happen."

Ellie nodded. "Got it. How long is my shift?"

Maria checked her watch. "Take the rest of mine for practice. Until 3."

The clouds had obscured the sun, and Ellie wore no watch, so she squinted. "Come and tell me when?"  
Maria shrugged. "You're on your own. Ask Steve or Houser. Or watch when the others change, the middle shifts all end at the same time."

Ellie took a deep breath, and nestled the butt of the rifle in the crook of her elbow. "Right. Here goes."

"I'm going to the long hall to see how trade is going. We need some things too." Maria descended the stairs, her boots clattering on the metal, her hand barely skimming the rusted rail. "Good luck, Ellie."

"Thanks," she called back, and plunged into the silence of her own thoughts, eyes periodically scanning the dam, the river, the woods, anything in her line of vision. No movement. Gosh, but this was boring. She knew, however, the importance of keeping a vigilant watch up because on the occasions when bandits did raid – and it was getting to be the season – every minute of warning could count. Her lips twisted in a wry smile as she remembered facing the barrel of this very rifle, wielded by Maria, when she and Joel first passed by here on their way to find the Fireflies.

Ellie's thoughts ran rampant in the quietude. Matt – her – sex, kids... Holy crap. This was a huge deal. The time crawled by as she tried to imagine the future. Living here, Joel, Tommy, Maria... Anna – a kid. A baby – hers. She'd only ever been around a pregnant woman once, and that was back in the quarantine zone years ago. It had kind of freaked her out, to be honest. Such a huge belly, and the woman was silent, her hands resting beneath it as if she couldn't take a step without the added support. A tiny human inside another human. It was both awesome and creepy. If it happened, it happened, but it didn't seem like a real good world to be bringing kids into. Tommy and Maria seemed to think things were getting better – that it was a good idea. Especially with her immunity. _This kid is gonna be immune. Like me, _Ellie thought. She wouldn't be alone anymore, the sole freak that couldn't get infected.

Shifting the weight of the rifle under one arm, the girl rubbed a sweating palm on her jeans before pressing it cautiously to her belly. She'd never really thought about anything beneath the skin. Weird.

"Ellie!"

The voice calling out startled her. Shoving her hand in her pocket and nearly losing her grip on the rifle, Ellie swore and looked down into the compound, where Anna stood waving.

"Don't bother me, foolish child, I'm on watch!" she called in a superior voice.

"Oh my gosh. Stop it." Anna huffed, mounting the stairs. "Miss Super-Important-I'm-Learning-to-Guard."

"I'm keeping everyone safe," Ellie growled. "Take my attention off that tree-line for a second, and it'll be your fault we don't warn the town in time."

Anna raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sun filtering through the clouds, and peered at the woods across the rushing waters of the river.

"Nope. Nothing. We're good. So... are you bored?"

"Yep," Ellie returned, her eyes shifting over her assigned territory. Idly, her hand drifted back toward her torso.

"Stomachache?" Anna asked, and the suddenness of her inquiry caught Ellie off-guard.

"Uh... kinda," she said, returning her grip to her firearm. "Not really."

Anna grunted quietly as she took a seat, facing inwards, her feet dangling from the edge of the parapet.

"I'm getting worried about you," she said in a low voice. "What with the fainting, and stuff..."

"Oh, would you knock it off!" Ellie exclaimed, more vehemently than she intended. "Not you too! Joel, Tommy, Maria, Matt, everyone's on my freakin' back. I'm _fine_!"

"Gosh..." Anna twisted around, looking up at the girl. "I'm sorry, I was just..." She stopped short, seeing tears glistening in the eyes of her friend. She got to her feet. "Ellie?"

"You can't tell anybody," she began in a haggard whisper.

"What is it?" Anna placed a light hand on Ellie's shoulder, and Ellie relaxed into the warmth of the touch, a tear spilling down her cheek. She shifted her rifle's weight again and swiped at it with her sleeve.

"I don't wanna tell," she mumbled. "It's too... freaky."

"I won't tell anyone, Ellie," Anna reassured.

The girl shook her head. "No. No... I'm supposed to be on watch."

As if on cue, a shout rang out, and footsteps quaked along the parapet as lookouts were changed and arms and munitions were passed off. Steve climbed the steps and seemed surprised to see the two girls there.

"You takin' a turn, Ellie?" he asked, with a nod toward Anna.

"Yeah, Maria put me on the second half of her shift, for practice," she said, avoiding eye contact with the man.

"Makes us all feel better knowin' there's a good shot or two around here," Steve chuckled. "Nice work. Tell Maria I relieved you."

"Thanks," Ellie said with a nod, as she shouldered the borrowed rifle and descended the steps, Anna hot on her heels.

"Ellie?"

"I don't want to tell, Anna," Ellie pleaded, turning, and meeting her eyes. "I don't... want it to be true, and I feel like – if I talk about it, it makes it more true."

Anna opened her arms, and Ellie allowed herself to be hugged.

"Come on." Anna jostled her slightly. "You can tell me."

"Fine." Ellie breathed. And she simply drew back and blurted it out.

Anna's eyebrows shot up.

"You're... you are?" she said, her mouth slightly agape, her lips dark against the whiteness of her teeth. "Oh my... Ellie!" She hugged her again. "Is it – was it on purpose? Who was it?"

Ellie shook her head. "Just – just... don't tell anyone."

"I won't." Anna's eyes were wide. "But why not?"

"Because I'm gonna do it," Ellie said in a resigned whisper. "When I have to."

It came sooner than she wanted.


	19. Chapter 19

"Go ahead, Ellie," Joel encouraged, gesturing to the plate. "You outta eat if you can keep it down."

"Joel..." Ellie said warningly, looking at the table, then up at him.

"Go on. Christ knows you could use it."

A silence had fallen over the room as Tommy and Maria listened to the exchange, giving each other an uncomprehending look.

Joel cleared his throat, his eyes darting from Tommy's to Maria's. "Well, I – didn't want it to seem like I was bein' selfish here. Ladies first, and all."

Tommy leaned forward. "Is – ah – somethin' goin' on?"

"Ellie, have you been sick?"

"Just earlier today," Ellie mumbled, shrugging, and swallowing thickly, helping herself to a few spoonfuls of the hash. "It's nothing."

"You sure?" Tommy's eyebrows were raised. "'Cause if you're really sick –"

"I'm fine." Ellie's eyes were round, frightened. "Joel's just making a big deal out of nothing."

Joel took a deep breath. "Ellie." He met her eyes. "You oughtta tell 'em."

"I don't want to," she murmured, looking at her lap where she twisted her fingers together.

The room fell absolutely, utterly silent.

"Ellie-?" Maria said in a quiet voice. "What is it?"

She shook her head. "No," she whispered. "Joel – you say it."

Joel cursed under his breath. "She's pregnant," he said simply, looking from his brother to his sister-in-law. "Happened a couple a weeks ago – that she figured it out, that is."

Maria stared at the girl, confusion in her eyes. "Ellie, why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I didn't freakin' want to!" the girl exclaimed, bringing her hands down onto the edge of the table, gripping the wood until her knuckles were white. "I didn't even want it to happen! How was I supposed to know that one stupid time –"

"Who is it?" Tommy cut in. "Who's the father?"

"Matt," Joel said quickly. "It's Matt."

Tommy took a deep breath. "You two been sleepin' together?"

"Just this one time, it was his idea..." murmured Ellie.

"Like heck it was!" Maria burst out. "Does he know?"

Ellie shook her head. "No one did, but Joel."

Tommy swore. "This is a situation all right."

"Hey, would you knock it off?" Joel leaned forward, his arm meeting the table. "You're scarin' the kid."

"I don't get it," Ellie spoke up, taking a drink of water, and setting the cup down hurriedly. "You're all 'Ellie-you-should-have-kids' and now I'm actually knocked up you freak out? It doesn't make sense."

"Alright." Maria raised her hands in a gesture of order. "Ellie." She regarded the girl soberly. "Are you – do you and Matt like each other?"

Ellie leaned first to one side, then the other in her chair, but made no committal reply, her eyes somewhere between Joel's cup and Joel's arm.

"Because we all hoped, at least–"

"She's right." Tommy met his wife's eye. "We're not takin' this right. Ellie." He softened his countenance. "We're happy for you."

She looked up, her face pale.

"Take care of yourself," he added in a gentle tone.

"Thanks," Ellie mumbled, looking away quickly. "I'm not really hungry anymore." She scraped back her chair and betook herself to the adjacent room, tossing herself onto the sofa, her back to the adults. Tommy, Maria, and Joel regarded each other for a long moment.

Tommy broke the silence, speaking in a low voice. "You knew about this –"

"It wasn't my secret to tell," Joel snapped back in a whisper. "What was I supposed to do when she was yackin', go run off and tattle to you and Maria?"

"A little honesty might'a been –"

"No, Tommy, and you know it!" Joel hissed, his eyes gleaming. "I sat with her and let her cry when she was finished, and we said we'd figure this out. She didn't want no one to know."

"But she's okay with this?" Maria's pupils were dilated, the dark overtaking the original hue of her eyes, as she cast a glance at the brown head in the next room. "She may be kind of shocked, but – it's what she wants?"

Joel heaved a deep breath. "Look, I don't know if this had anything to do with the mess you two started when you were talkin' to her about getting' married and havin' kids..."

"Don't you blame this on us." Tommy lifted a hand. "This ain' the same thing any more."

"You bet it is!" Joel raised his voice, and in response, Ellie only leaned forward, retrieving something from the side table and dropping her head. He lowered his voice to a whisper again. "This is exactly what you were talkin' to her about, and now that it's happened, I swear, if you don't stand by her, and help her see that it's gonna be okay –"

"Joel, we get it." Maria's lips were tight. "We're staying out of it."

"Not anymore you're not. Your interfering got her into this mess, and by hell, it'll get her out again. You understand? You don't let her feel this is wrong for an instant." His jaw was set. "You have to be there for this girl, alright?"

"Alright!" Tommy met Joel's eyes, a steely look there. "Now, keep your pants on, we've gotta discuss some things."

Conversation was rapid and terse, and on the sofa, Ellie pulled her legs up to her chest, taking a deep breath before dropping her head to her arms.

Joel retreated with Tommy and Maria into their bedroom, and argued long into the night until Maria finally dismissed herself, murmuring, "I'm going to see how Ellie's doing."

"What an idea," Joel muttered, sarcasm thick on his tone.

Ellie still sat on the sofa in the gloaming, her feet crunched beside her, _Savage Starlight_ laying ignored on her lap as she stared straight in front of her. Ellie looked up as Maria approached.

"Sorry, spaced out."

"Hey, little girl."

Ellie's shoulders lifted, then sagged in a deep sigh. "I don't feel like a little girl."

Maria sat on the sofa next to her, the old wood creaking in protest beneath the thin cushion, and gently moved Ellie's feet down to the floor so she could sit close and put her arm around her. Ellie silently lay her head on Maria's thin shoulder.

"It's a tough world, hm," was Maria's comment.

"I don't know that I ever felt like a little girl," Ellie said in a low, raw voice. "Not that I cared. I never felt little, because there was always someone littler than me. And I never remember feeling like a girl, not ever. I mean –" she sat up and looked Maria in the eye, "what the heck does feeling like a girl even _feel_ like? I have no clue, and if I did, I don't think I liked it." She flopped back down, hoping Maria didn't notice how she was fighting back tears.

Maria drew her hand over Ellie's tussled head for a long moment until the quaking of her shoulders resulted in the inevitable eruption.

"I mean, you want kids!" Ellie's voice was tight, pinched. "You and Tommy want a kid, and you can't have one. And I have _no_ idea what I'm doing, except for 'fall-in-love-Ellie' and 'Matt's-a-nice-guy-Ellie' and 'don't-let-your-DNA-die-with-you-Ellie, I mean what the actual_ heck_!" Her voice broke, and she gasped for air. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I don't love him!"

"Shh... hush now," Maria soothed, rubbing a hand over Ellie's shoulder. "Don't think about it. It's going to be fine."

"I don't love him..." Ellie whispered. "I keep trying, but I don't think it's working."

"Ellie." Maria's voice was low. "We'll work it out. For now, don't get all excited, it's late, and you should go to bed soon. Let's settle down."

"You make a good mom," Ellie blurted out somewhat acidly, covering her face with a hand and taking a deep breath. "Okay. Calming down now. Calming down."

"Hey, I heard you picking out that song on your guitar the other day." Maria jostled her jutting elbow gently. "Want to show me?"

Ellie hesitated. "It's a good song."

"Let's hear it, sweetie."

A long moment passed, and Ellie finally nodded, rising slowly and making her way up the stairs. Tommy came into the doorway and lifted his eyebrows, but Maria waved him away as Ellie's footfalls could be heard above them. As she descended the stairs, Ellie sighted Tommy in the doorway.

"I'm toast, huh," she commented. Tommy merely smiled.

"Gonna play us somethin'?"

"Where's Joel?" Ellie asked.

"He went out." Tommy sat on the sofa next to Maria, who continued to eye him warningly, but permitted him to sit beside her. "Gettin' some fresh air, I think."

Ellie seemed to ponder this for a moment, before folding herself into some sort of complex geometric shape on the ground and leaning over her guitar. "Want to hear this?"

"Sure," Maria responded, a little too enthusiastically, and it was Tommy's turn to give her a look. Ellie bobbed her head silently, and seemed to think for a minute, sliding her fingers up and down the frets, sending out a faint metallic sound. Slowly, she began to pick out a simple arpeggiated chord, then evened it out ever so slightly, beginning to sing in a small, airy voice. _"Yeah I, tell you somethin' I think you'll understand. Yeah I, tell you somethin'... I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand_." The song filled the room, and Maria settled back into Tommy's arm as Ellie sang, the girl's eyes drifting shut as if she was forgetting everything else when her fingers played over the strings.

"_Please... say to me, I want to be your man... Yeah please, say to me, I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand._

_And when I touch you, I feel happy inside. It's such a feelin' that, my love, I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide... Yeah you - you've got that somethin'. I think you'll understand..._"

At some point Joel entered the room again, and simply stood in the doorway, watching the small girl play the guitar and sing. "_Yeah you, you've got that somethin'... I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand." _Her fingers finished the chords, and she concluded with a light breath of extraneous air, and a gentle odd note. Tommy looked up and Joel jerked his head, indicating that he wanted a word. The men left, and Maria regarded Ellie, sitting in silence, slouching over her instrument.

"You haven't told Matt?" she asked in a quiet voice. Ellie shook her head.

"You should."

"I don't want to."

"Go tomorrow. It's better if you tell him yourself instead of him hearing through one of us."

And Ellie just drooped her head forward so low that her forehead touched the hard wood of her guitar.


	20. Chapter 20

The morning came too soon. Ellie rose, dressed, and skipped breakfast once again, going to the engine room as soon as she was sufficiently awake. She climbed the steps to the catwalk with dragging feet, and finally reached the top, where she swayed unexplainedly and caught the railing for balance. Ignoring the twisting feeling in the pit of her stomach, she forced her feet forward and reached where Matthew was working, his black hair sticking out from beneath his hard hat, and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, and raised a hand to indicated he needed a minute, and stepped away from the noise of the machinery.

"Ellie." He stuck out his arm, as if offering a side hug, but Ellie reached out and gave him a haphazard high-five.

"Hi, there." Her voice sounded surprisingly normal, and she took a deep breath, hoping her luck would hold. "Is Matt around?"

"Yeah, he was..." Matthew looked over his shoulder, and then caught sight of him plying a spreader and a bucket of plaster, re-covering the workroom's wall. It was beginning to look worlds better than the exposed cracked concrete. "...Down there. Do you want me to get him?"

"Oh, if he's busy– " Ellie broke off, and shoved her hands in her pockets. "No problem. I'll go down there. Just wanted to say hi."

"Alright, girlie." Matthew winked. "Be careful. Stuff all over the ground. Wearing shoes today?" He liked to bring up old jokes. Ellie gave him a thumbs up.

"Sure thing." The metal stairs clattered as she descended, and meandered her way over to the wall Matt was busily plastering.

"Hey, there," she said, her voice echoing in the cavity beneath the catwalk. "Havin' fun?"

Matt snorted, and grinned at her. "You bet. Want to help?"

Ellie raised her eyebrows. "You kidding? This is your job. I peeled potatoes all morning with Maria." She displayed reddened fingers. "Worse than cutting wood."

Matt chuckled. "You cut wood?"

Ellie nodded. "Yeah, with a hatchet. The smaller logs. Joel won't let me do the big ones, he says that I can't use the axe 'cause I'm too little." She flexed her arms ostentatiously. "But I'm working on that."

Matt eyed Ellie as the bravado faded from her face and left her pale. She scuffed her feet in the dirt, and Matt stabbed his spreader into the bucket, setting it down.

"What's eatin' you?" he asked in a low voice, dipping a finger in the plaster and reaching over, swiping a playful streak down her nose. She glared at him.

"Hey." Ellie made a jump for the bucket but Matt stepped in front of her, catching her arms as she struggled; at last she succeeded in forcing his own hand to his face, smearing on a lopsided print. "There." She pointed a finger. "We're even."

"Did you just come here to interrupt my work?" Matt complained, folding his arms, and looking comical with the plaster ornamenting his face. His eyes sparkled. "Where's Anna?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen her today, just Maria. And that was last night. She said... I'm supposed to come and talk to you."

Matt was caught off-guard by the seriousness of her tone. It reminded him of the time when his father had told him that Lindsay had been bitten, and they were going to have to leave her at the Kansas border.

"Ellie – you're kind of scaring me," he said in a low voice. "Has something happened? Your bite..."  
"Don't be stupid, nothing's changed about that in years," Ellie retorted. "It's – dumb. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be making such a big deal, but Maria made me come."

Matt shifted his weight from foot to foot, eying the top of Ellie's head, which was all he could see as she examined her shoes. He resisted the urge to hug her, reassure her, and simply stepped closer.

"Okay. So, what's going on?"

Ellie looked up, her chin jutting forward as she fought the swimming of her eyes. "I'm having a kid."

Matt held Ellie's eyes for a long moment, and for a moment she thought he didn't understand.

"Like," she gestured, "in nine months or something."

He continued to hold her gaze and she did the same, the two of them, simply standing there for a long moment. At last Matt regained his power of speech.

"What?" he managed.

"Don't make me say it again," Ellie said firmly, crossing her arms. "I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but like I told you, Maria made me."

"And this – this is me?"

"How many other guys do you think I've screwed," Ellie mumbled, and Matt winced at her tone of voice. His feet took him close to her, and he drew her into his arms.

"It's okay, Ellie. We'll – we'll figure it out," he murmured. "I'm... really sorry, it took us by surprise and all, but –"

"It's fine," Ellie said, pulling away, and taking a deep breath. "It's fine."

"Well," Matt said, searching her face, "what do you want to do? You told me – one time, that –"

"I don't know if Joel and Tommy and everybody are going to be happy now, or what," Ellie said, shrugging. "It seems a pretty sick thing to be happy about, but whatever."

"Okay," Matt said, his voice strange. "Then, do you – want to be together? You know, like get married, or whatever we want to call it?"

Ellie stared at him, her eyes wide. "Are you freaking kidding me?"

Matt was a little taken aback. "Well, no. That's the right thing to do –"

"I don't like you!" Ellie burst out, and then took in her breath. "I mean... I like you. But I don't love you. I never want to... I just –"

"Ellie, you're young," Matt said, looking at his plaster-covered hands. "I'm young. Neither of us are perfect. We can work stuff out, I can be a better person –"

"You're a fine person," Ellie bit out. "But I said no way."

"Would you let me finish?" Matt asked, irritated. "We'll work everything –"

"_Heck_ – no – way!" Ellie exclaimed, her eyes huge. "What part of that do you not get? I'm doing something I don't want to whether I like it or not! I'm not going to go and do something _else_ I don't want!"

"Someday?" Matt's voice was rough. "Ellie, I love you, you don't even understand how much. Give me a chance. Think about it, it doesn't have to be now. But maybe someday."  
Ellie shook her head. "I just want to be friends."

"You're having my baby, Ellie," Matt said, his voice cracking. "That's... amazing."

"Shut up," she growled. "What do you know."

"I know that I love you, and that's more than you do. You don't understand –"

"What makes you think I don't understand love?" Ellie wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Really. What makes you think I don't get it?"

"Because you have no idea how much I love you. How much love... hurts."

"Matt, give me a little credit. I – I understand." Her eyes shone, and he stepped close to her again.

"You understand?"

"Yeah. Because I've loved someone before, and I love someone now." Ellie held her breath, her eyes falling shut. "I trust you. That's why I'm telling you."

Matt's face was a study of emotions, his brows drawn together.

"Do I know him?" he asked at last.

Ellie shook her head, then hesitated. "It's Anna," she whispered.

Matt looked as if he'd been struck. His face turned an odd color, and Ellie could see him groping for words in his mind. At last he seized her arm, forcing her to step backwards so that she wouldn't fall over.

"Is this one of your jokes?" Matt demanded in a husky voice. "Because if it is, this is really not funny."

"It's not a joke," Ellie said evenly. "It's just a secret. Don't tell."

"She's a _girl_, Ellie!" Matt exclaimed, giving her a little shake. "_You're_ a girl!"

"Whoah," she jeered. "Good call."

Matt released her, and turned around, taking a few steps away, and clenching his fingers in his hair.

"What's your problem?" Ellie called, spreading her arms wide. "Did I ask you to like me? Can you help it?"

Matt wheeled, taking his hands from his head, leaving his dark hair streaked with plaster. He met her eyes. "No, I can't help it."

"Well, neither can I!"

"You don't understand, you're confused –"

"_You're_ confused," Ellie burst out, pointing at him. "Especially since you think you know what I want more than I do."

Matt turned his back again and stood silent for a long moment. At last he turned back around, his eyes taking in the sight of the girl that he loved still standing there, the flannel she wore swallowing up her small form, her hair falling from a messy ponytail.

"What happens?" he asked in a broken voice. "What happens to the love I want to give you?"  
Ellie stood still and allowed him to close the distance between them and hug her, and slowly, ever so slowly, she relaxed and simply clung to her friend.

"We'll work it out," she said, feeling his tears on her neck. "You, me, Anna, we'll work it out."

A long moment passed, and at last Matt released her. "Can I – can I kiss you?" he asked. Slowly, Ellie shook her head.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea."

"My dad – should I tell him?"

Ellie shrugged. "If you want. Everybody's gonna find out eventually." She made as if to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Matt called. "What're you -"

"I want to go find Anna," Ellie replied simply. He watched her as she walked away.


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note: I've received several reviews this latest update that, to be honest, I've been expecting for a long time. It's interesting that it didn't happen til Ch 20. I expected it from the outset, but here it is: several readers saying that Ellie's lack of cussing is OOC. You have every right to your opinion, and I bear no hard feelings on the subject, but I'd like to clarify something. I have several real life friends who are younger who wanted to follow this story from its inception, and as a result, I made the decision to keep the rating T even though the actual game is definitely M. That should be reason enough, but also there is the fact that a character's language or lack thereof has nothing to do with said character being IC or OOC. Reproducing language habits would add accuracy (if we're comparing it to the original game) but not character depth or development. It's like writing a phonetic accent, which I generally avoid. If you miss the cussing, it is fairly easy to imagine what the actual curse word would be when I say heck, crap, and freakin'. But the rating is going to stay T, because of my initial decision, and because Ellie's swearing is a product of her environment, and not a definition of who she is. Thank you for bearing with me, and here is the newest chapter...**

Weeks passed. Somehow, the secret was kept around the small community, until the day when Ellie realized her jeans wouldn't fasten, and that the general pudginess she'd been noticing had turned into the – very small, but certainly there – beginnings of a bump. She layered her clothing, but Maria began to speak to some of the other women about looking out for Ellie, and somehow, just like that, everyone knew.

The threesome hung out together as usual. Anna continued to profess happiness about the whole thing, even more so when she was released from her oath of secrecy. She even went to far as to joke about how fun it would be when Ellie's stomach grew huge; Ellie didn't seem to find it very funny. Matt was by turns pensive and kind; very kind, considering what was going on. He was writing more and more, and sometimes would sit by the hour, his eyes glazed over, lost in thought. Anna confessed to Ellie one day in the stables the feelings that she had for Matt, but promised to try to get over them, since he was with Ellie. And Ellie had held her breath and said nothing. Everything was getting to be far too confusing.

Ellie did not experience much nausea, but was inexplicably exhausted at the smallest of exertions. Joel did his best to hide his concern, but forbade Ellie from riding, at least for a while.

"You're messing with me, right?" she had asked, but he shook his head.

"Nope. You let us take care of you," he had told her, and left the room. When he had returned, she had fallen asleep on the couch. It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. When she woke up, Ellie lay there for a long moment, battling the thoughts she'd been struggling with ever since the day when she'd told Matt her secret. Not about the pregnancy, that didn't bother her so much. About Anna. And she decided now was the time to buck up the courage and tell the girl herself. Every time she was with her it felt like she was going to explode, and she hated herself later for being such a coward. Things could only get better. Anything was better than this terrible tension that she was feeling.

Ellie told Joel that she was going for a walk, and left before he could protest. She left the compound and ventured a little ways into the woods until she sighted Anna where she knew she'd be, looking after the livestock. Ellie just stood there, twisting her hands together, and eying the back of Anna's head, her long hair spilling over her back, an errant leaf caught near the end of one of the strands. At last she cleared her throat, and the young woman turned.

"Anna..."

"Oh, hi, Ellie," Anna turned from her seat on the grass, and revealed a dry stick in her hands which she was occupied in snapping into small pieces. A rifle leaned against a tree just to her right, and Anna turned her attention back to the grazing cattle, her eyes scanning the trees for thieves or wild animals.

Ellie squatted, and then sat upon the ground next to Anna, crossing her legs, and giving a small smile to her friend.

"You doing alright?" Ellie asked. "Hold still..." She reached behind the girl and pulled the leaf from her hair, displaying it with a grin. "Need this?"

Anna grimaced and swiped at the hair spread over her back, and shook her head, taking the leaf from Ellie and tossing it to the breeze. "Thanks, I should braid it more, keep dirt and stuff out of it, but I always forget."

Ellie eyed her. "It's fine like this. I like it. It's pretty."

"Thanks." Anna laughed lightly, and then sobered. "Where's Matt?"

Ellie shrugged. "I don't know. His dad needed him for something."

"Are you..."

"We're still cool. I just – yeah. We're cool."

The two sat in silence for a long moment, and Ellie could practically see the thoughts fighting their way to the surface behind Anna's still face.

"Ellie," she began, and punctuated the remark with a sigh. "Can I just tell you something honestly?"

Ellie bobbed her head. "Sure. Can't promise I won't be mad, though."

Anna grinned, and only with great difficulty did Ellie restrain the sudden urge once again to clap a hand to her chest, where her heart had begun beating wildly. What was it with Anna? That every look could send her into euphoria, and her lips pronouncing her name spelled bliss?

"It's about Matt." Anna looked at the ground, and traced a finger in the loose dust there. "I... know you know how I feel, and I've been trying, but I can't help but feel... like – you two never really wanted me around."

"That's not true," Ellie blurted out, skidding to a stop. "That's not... true. We three are friends."

"But now..." Anna gestured, her eyes filling with tears in spite of her brave intentions. "You two are a couple, and I –"

"Anna, we're not a couple," Ellie assured her. "Heck, we're not. He... likes me, but I don't like him."

"It seems like you do," Anna murmured, to which Ellie snorted.

"Really? Maybe I have a career ahead of me as an actor, or something."

"I'm serious." Anna met Ellie's eyes, and Ellie only maintained eye contact with great difficulty. Her head felt a little light.

"So am I," Ellie replied at last. "He wanted to, you know, like... do stuff, and I let him. It's what Tommy wants, it's what Maria wants -"

"Well then, what about what you want?"

The question caught Ellie off-guard.

"What do you mean?" She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"What you want." Anna stared at her. "For yourself."  
"I'm trying not to think of myself, but sometimes it's hard," Ellie murmured, more to evade the question than anything else. Man, if Anna were to know what she really wanted...

"It's just hard to believe, that's all. That you don't want to be with Matt."

"I do!" Ellie exclaimed, then corrected herself. "Just – not like that. How come nobody understands!" She lay back on the grass with a shaky sigh.

"Nobody gets me. I don't get me." Anna lay back by Ellie's side, and a wisp of her hair blew over onto Ellie, who held her breath and let it stay there, tickling her neck. Anna looked over at her, and her eyes roved up and down, appraising her form. Ellie kept her eyes carefully away.

"Don't say it..." Ellie warned her in a dangerous tone, and Anna primmed up her mouth.

"Fine. I won't. But –" she silently reached over and gave a poke to the novel curve of her friend's tight middle. Ellie glared daggers at her and crossed her arms across her torso as best she could. The two lay in silence for some time.

"Is Matt supposed to be... really attractive or something?" Ellie asked at long last. Her voice was uncertain. Anna looked over at her.

"Do you not think he's attractive?"

Ellie shrugged her shoulders against the ground, crackling in the ragged grass. "I guess. I never really thought about it. His hair is cool. I would totally cut my hair like that if Joel would let me."

Anna giggled. "Wow."

"I would."

"But I like it like it is."

Ellie stared at her. "Really?"

Anna nodded, and tweaked the strands that always had a habit of escaping from behind Ellie's ears – the pieces that were not long enough to stay in her ponytail, but not short enough to do anything else.

"Hey." Ellie swatted her away. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothin', what's wrong with you?" Anna sat up, and picked a blade of grass, twiddling it in Ellie's face until she squirmed and rolled away, laughing.

"Anna – hey." She sat up and regarded her friend soberly. "Weren't we having a serious conversation?"

"We were, but you were the one that got all funny, talking about Matt's hair," Anna retorted.

"But _you _brought it up!" Ellie jeered, waving a hand toward her friend. "Anyway. I don't want to talk about him anymore. I wanted to talk to you and you made me lose all the nerve I worked up to come and find you." She pouted for a moment.

Anna cocked her head. "It took nerve to come and find me? We're best friends, Ellie." She chuckled. "Do you think I'm mad at you?"

"You might be, I don't know. Matt's been."

Anna sobered. "I know. Apparently you told him something –"

"Did he tell you?" Ellie's eyes were wide in her pale face. "What did he say?"

"Nothing," Anna replied, confused, her gaze searching Ellie's. "Aside from about the baby, he said that you just mentioned something that was 'deeply disturbing considering what had transpired between you two' or something like that."

Ellie chuckled, relief spreading through her. "Dang, he's going to be a writer all right." Her face lit up. "Get it? All _write_?"

"You're so lame," Anna snorted. "Really, you are. Grow up."

"Fine." Ellie sighed. "I, uh... I actually wanted to tell you sorta what I told him."

Anna grabbed Ellie's wrist and pulled her in to an upright position, ignoring Ellie's groans.

"I was comfy..."

"Alright." Anna's eyes were earnest. "Tell me, and I'll try to take it judiciously."

"Whatever the heck that means," Ellie muttered. She dropped her head, twisting her fingers together for a long moment, and at last took a big breath. "So." All coherent thoughts seemed to flee her mind, and before she knew it, she was thinking aloud.

"So, it's like this, and you can be offended, or freaked out or whatever you want, but this has been on my chest for so long now, and I just have to get it out. We three are friends, me, you, Matt, and all. I know he thinks he's in love with me and all that, and honestly, I can't help whatever the crud he thinks. I like him pretty well, he's cool. And he likes you, like we're all friends. It's just like this." Ellie grabbed the forgotten stick from the ground and scratched in the dirt.

"A, E, and M. M likes E, but E... E doesn't like him. And A likes M – " Her voice was rising in pitch, and she knew she was panicking when she felt Anna's warm hand on the back of her neck.

"Hey, calm down, it's fine," the young woman soothed.

"No, it's not!" Ellie flung the stick away from her with a curse, and drug her foot through the rough etching in the dust. "Because I like you! I freakin' like you, I think the world of you, I'm totally in love with you."


	22. Chapter 22

Anna said nothing for a long moment, but did not look at Ellie. The cattle shifted in the grass, making restless noises and presently shouting was heard from the compound.

Ellie cursed. "We've got to go."

Anna leapt to her feet, snatching up her rifle, and pointing to Ellie. "Go around behind the animals on that side, we'll drive them back to the plant," she cried. "Move, move!"

Ellie cast one final look over her shoulder as Anna raced through the trees and they flanked the cattle, waving their arms and yelling, startling the beasts into an ungainly trot toward the gate. Joel was there when Ellie and Anna broke the cover of the trees.

"Hurry up!" he shouted. "Group of bandits! Houser! Steve! Cattle comin' through!"

The animals scrambled through and the gate was closed and locked behind them. The two men herded the cattle into the barns, and Ellie turned to Anna, who was standing there breathless, her rifle in her arms.

"Whaddwe do?" she panted. "I've never fought off bandits before."

"It hasn't happened in a while," Ellie replied, seizing her wrist. "We've got to find Maria."

Joel turned and saw Ellie and Anna hurrying across the compound, and lifted his voice.

"Ellie! Go find Maria!"

"I am!" she vociferated.

"Tell her you're staying out of this one!"

"No way!" Ellie's eyes were wild as her hand pulled from Anna's. "You need a good shot!"

"You listen to me!" Joel pointed a finger. "I ain't goin' to argue with you, now do as your told!"

Ellie cursed under her breath, and grabbed Anna's hand again, towing her along.

"Ellie," Anna said as they twisted through the back row of houses and half-jogged toward Tommy and Maria's place, "Ellie, do as Joel says."

"No way in hell," she murmured. "I'll be careful."

"Don't be an idiot," Anna's voice rose, and she yanked her hand free. "Tell me what to do, I'll take your place."

"It's better with two, then we can flank those mother–" She broke off as Maria leapt down the steps and landed on the ground near them, thrusting a walkie talking into Ellie's hands. "Take this, and get your bow. Anna, do you have ammunition?"

The girl checked her pockets. "Not much."

Maria met Ellie's eyes. "Get your pistol too, and whatever ammo you have. And stay out of the line of fire. You're just backups if any make it through. I want to be able to reach you." Jamming her pistol into her belt and shouldering Tommy's newly acquired AR-15, Maria broke into a run toward the main gate. Ellie pointed a finger toward the weapon.

"Nice," she breathed, turning to Anna. "Two secs."

"Right behind you," Anna replied, following Ellie as she raced into the house and up the stairs to her room, snatching her bow from the corner and slinging on her backpack which carried her collection of arrows.

"Think about this, Ellie," Anna begged as they clattered back down the stairs, Ellie checking the magazine of her pistol as they went. "Someone can cover for you. Matt –"

"- accidentally shot off whatever it was someone lent to him when Joel and Tommy were still out of range." She glared at Anna. "Fat lot of help he'll be. Come on."

"Ellie – talk to me." Maria's voice crackled over the walkie.

"We're fine, heading to the east side. There's not much happening there, that's the side that – "

"Stay by the border of the woods. Shoot anything that comes in range."

"Roger that."

Men and a few women flocked to the main gates, bristling with weapons, while the others were barricaded into the dining hall by a group of the Oklahomans. Ellie sighted Matt, but ducked her head before he could see her, and threw herself up the steps to the parapet of the east wall. There she dropped to her knees, hearing Anna's labored breathing in her ear, and set an arrow to the string of her bow, eyes scanning the woods. Tommy's voice talking to Maria squawked from the walkie.

"Alright, you keep 'em busy –"

"There's got to be at least ten..."

"You got this."

"I'm gonna need a few more men."

"Headed your way."

Earl's voice came through momentarily. "Someone at the east side?"

"Hold the button," Ellie commanded Anna, her hands occupied with her bow, and Anna did as she was told, Ellie replying, "That's me." Anna met her eyes. "It's Ellie, and I've got Anna here with me. No incoming."

There was no response, but the sounds of shouting and gunshots were heard from the main gate.

"Does this happen often?" Anna asked in a low voice, but before Ellie could reply, a figure was sighted making its way doubled-over through the treeline, and Ellie loosed an arrow, quickly notching another one, and sending it flying into the man's torso. He fell and lay still. Ellie cursed under her breath.

"He'd better be the only one."

"You're not a bad shot with that thing," Anna mumbled.

"Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up, I've only got so many arrows. Which is why I need you, otherwise we're stuck with my pistol."

Joel's voice broke in over the walkie. "Maria! We've got six or seven to the north, they've got climbin' gear."

A curse, likely Tommy.

"Maria?"

"Matthew and some guys are headed your way."

No response.

"Joel– "

"_Where's Ellie_?"

"East wall."

Joel's voice again, unmistakable, as he swore.

Ellie narrowed her eyes as she saw the group to which Joel was referring, approaching the point of the north-east corner, three firing a volley while four others tried in vain to attach grappling hooks to the wall under their cover.

"Tommy –" Joel's voice warned. "A little help!"

"Ellie!" Maria this time. "Go, go, go!"

"Stay here, and shoot anything that moves," Ellie managed, unclipping her walkie and shoving it into Anna's hands. She got to her feet, and sprinted along the parapet. A flying hook narrowly missed her head, attaching itself to the top of the wall, and Ellie the projectile, pulling out her revolver and firing directly beneath her. A cry sounded below, indicating her aim had been true. Joel met her at the juncture of the two walls

"Since you're here, shoot," he growled, and Ellie nodded, setting another arrow to her bowstring and taking out one of the bandits in the middle of the cover fire. A second arrow lodged in the neck of the one to his left, and the final man dropped his weapon and ran for the shelter of the woods.

"Get him, Anna," Ellie muttered through clenched teeth, as several more grappling hooks clanged to a firm position on top of the wall. Ellie ducked her head through her bow, slinging it across her back as she pulled out her revolver again and shot at the heads which began to appear over the wall. Joel wielded the Winchester, his shots reverberating amid the clack of the bolt being yanked back again and again, and the ring of the empty shells hitting the walk beneath them.

Meanwhile, Anna held her breath as she watched the figure break the cover of the woods, his hands held high above his head.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" he yelled. "I'm not with them!"

Anna hesitated, sighting down the barrel of her rifle, and the moment he turned his back and broke into a run toward the forest, she pulled the trigger. He fell to the ground, writhing in his own blood. Anna let her eyes fall shut, and cocked the rifle again when the walkie talkie crackled.

"Ellie!" Maria's voice. Anna lowered the gun and pressed the button.

"Maria? It's Anna."

"Where's Ellie?"

"With Joel, he got overwhelmed – "

"Things're are clear on our end."

Anna didn't say anything, but waited for the next query. "Anna?"

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me."

"Uh – I shot a guy who didn't have a weapon," Anna said in a quiet voice.

"Can't hear her, speak up," Tommy exclaimed. "Clear at east gate."

"Clear at the north-east juncture," Joel put in.

"Joel! Is Ellie with you?"

A pause. "Yeah. She is." His voice sounded worn, exhausted.

"She okay?"

"I'm okay." Ellie's voice, this time.

"All clear south entrance, outer perimeter. I say we go and get their ammo," Earl spoke up.

Anna got to her feet, taking in a deep breath of air.

"Roger that," Tommy replied, and in a daze, Anna stumbled along the parapet to find Ellie when she heard an unfamiliar voice through the walkie.

"Tommy? Joel? Matthew's been hit."


	23. Chapter 23

Ellie and Joel heard the news through the communicator, and Joel hurriedly pressed the button.

"How bad?"

"Real bad."

"Where are you? Where's his boy?"

"We're at the south corner, behind the barns."

Ellie's eyes were round, and she swore under her breath. "Matt's with the folks in the dining hall. I'll find him."

"Fine, I'm headed to 'em. Maria?" Joel queried the walkie. "Where's the first aid kit?"

"It's in the engine room," Tommy's voice replied. "I'm there, I've got it."

Ellie slung her bow hurriedly over her back as she descended the stairs and made her way through the compound to the long hall, banging her fist on the door and shouting, "It's Ellie, we're in the clear!"

The door was unbolted and cracked open to reveal Matt's face. He let the door swing wide, and enveloped Ellie in a hug, bow and all.

"Ellie – you're okay..." he breathed, but Ellie squirmed free, and met his eyes.

"Your dad's been hurt."

His face registered shock. "How bad?"

"Come on." She simply beckoned him after her and broke into a jog, Matt right on her heels.

"Dear God, no," he murmured, rounding the corner of the stables and seeing a few men clustered around a figure crumbled to the ground.

Tommy straightened, and said in a low voice, "Alright, fellas, get back, give him some room."

Matt fell to his knees next to his father, who was lying contorted in pain, his neck and shoulder a mess of blood and dirt. He coughed weakly, and Matt laid a shaking hand over the open wounds, his fingers quickly becoming steeped in the dark blood.

"They came at the gate with a machine gun..." the injured man wheezed. "Just wasn't quick enough, I guess." He chuckled, and broke into a series of gurgling coughs. Tears sprang from Matt's eyes as he jerked his head up and down, regarding the men around him, Ellie, and his father lying prone in the dirt.

"Aren't you going to – somebody do something –" he choked. "Alcohol... bandages..."

"Just talk to him, son," Joel murmured, and Matt seized his father's hand. "Dad..."

"You listen to me." Matthew's bleary gaze met his son's, and he struggled to speak. "In spite of how I act, I've always been real... real –"

"It's alright, it's fine," Matt whispered. "I know, you only meant for me..." He trailed off as he recognized the vacancy in his father's staring eyes, the lifelessness of his form upon the ground. Matt scrambled to his feet in horror, regarding the group with a feral gaze, before throwing himself upon the ground, shaking the dead man violently, and screaming, "Dad! Dad, say something! Say something!"

"Son –" Joel began, approaching with a hand outstretched, like one might approach a wild animal, _like he had approached Henry_... "Take a minute, take a breath –"

Matt leapt to his feet again and stared at Joel, his chest heaving, his eyes shining as blue as the sky through his tears. And he started forward, enveloping the figure of Ellie in a crushing embrace. Ellie clung to him as he wept hot tears down her neck, gripped him harder than she ever remembered gripping anything other than a weapon, and squeezed her eyes shut as she saw Tommy beckon the bystanders to take the body of the dead man between them and bear it to a place for burial. Maria placed a brief hand on Matt's shoulder before moving off with the guys, and Matt pulled back at last, putting his hands on Ellie's cheeks, smearing them with his father's blood.

"He – he's gone," he choked, regarding the girl with hopeless sorrow. "And people have died before, that I've known," he continued, his voice rising in sorrow-stricken tones, "Just not him. Never him."

Ellie's eyes were full as she regarded her friend in his grief. "I'm – I'm so sorry," she murmured, her voice husky.

Matt clung to her again, choking, "Don't leave me too."

"Hey... Anna's here," Ellie whispered, shaking him slightly as she caught sight of the girl, her face pale, her eyes round with sorrow.

"Oh, gosh," she breathed, stepping closer as Matt straightened, and wiped his face.

"Dad – my dad –" Matt began, but Anna simply nodded, and stood on her toes to embrace him. He drew back, shaking his head, and mumbled something about going to help the men dig a grave, and stumbled off across the courtyard, holding his head in his hands.

Ellie stood there for a long moment, watching his retreat, before doubling over and retching into the dirt. Anna grabbed her shoulders and stood there with her friend until the first violence of the vomiting was past, and then the two girls clung to each other for a long moment.

"I've got to help him," Ellie murmured at last, pulling away from Anna, and forcing her eyes open. She had shut them against the world, but now was confronted, yet again, with reality. Always reality.

"What're you going to do?" Anna fixed her with a concerned stare. "What can you do?"

"I don't know, but I've gotta to try something, he can't be alone tonight."

Anna's eyes were wide, somehow significant. "Are you going to sleep with him?"

"It's not like I can get knocked up again," Ellie muttered, her heart sending a pang through her core. "I'll just be with him. I don't know what'll help, but I'm gonna ask. He takes this stuff hard."

"And you don't?"

Ellie avoided Anna's gaze. "I don't let it get to me. Can't afford to. See you around." She pulled away, but Anna caught her hand. Ellie turned, her face a bit pale.

"Tell Matt I'm really sorry."

"I will."

And Ellie walked across the courtyard, picking her way through the clusters of men salvaging shells and clearing away other debris resulting from the bandit's attack. She clambered to the top of the wall near the main gate and saw outside, a group of men plying shovels. A few were keeping watch with shotguns, while the rest filled in the earth over an oblong lump that was the remains of Matthew. Tommy said a few words, the men wiped their brows and their eyes, and that was that. They dispersed slowly, and Ellie saw the dark-haired one linger, and drop to his knees next to the mound.

She took a deep breath and descended the stairs, slipping through the gate, and making her way slowly toward the grave. Matt didn't look up, even when she stood right beside him.

"Hey," Ellie said simply.

"Hey," he replied, his voice hoarse.

"Want company?"

He shrugged. "Sure."

Ellie got to her knees beside him, and sat back on her heels. "That was quick." She indicated the pile. "They don't waste time around here, that's for sure."

"I didn't know he was going to die," Matt whispered childishly. "That this was going to be it."

Ellie rocked back and forth a little, then sat down on the hard ground, pulling her sneaker-clad feet to the side.

"That's the way it goes, I guess."

Matt regarded her with a beautiful vulnerability. "How is it that you're so strong?"

Ellie gave a small smile. "It's easy right now. It's not me."

"But you're always strong... You never –" he broke off. "Not that I wish you'd be weak, but it's okay, you know. To show it... But it hurts."

"Yeah." Ellie's voice was a little rough. "Like hell."

"Did you know your parents?"

Ellie gave a short, odd laugh. "No. The closest thing to a mom I had was Marlene, and then she traded me off to Joel to smuggle me out of the city. I was raised in a military boarding school, until I ended up with them. The rest is history." She pursed her lips.

Matt sighed. "You might not... understand..." He seemed almost hesitant to accuse.

"I understand." Ellie said, stiffening. "Everyone I've ever cared about has either died or left me. Except Joel."

"And me," Matt said quietly. "Don't forget about me."

Ellie remained quiet for a long moment. "Yeah," she said at last.

The two sat in silence as the sun set, and as the insects of the night began to sing, filling the air with a wavering ambiance that began to lull Ellie into sleepiness. She and Matt had drifted close together, and he put his arm around her, Ellie's head leaning into the angle of his neck as he stared at the grave with fogged eyes. Shouting was heard: Ellie's name, and Matt's.

Ellie cursed, and straightened creakily. "Hold up, alright! We're coming!" she vociferated. Turning back to Matt, she took a deep breath. "They're gonna shut the gate."

"We'd better go, then," Matt replied, but made no move to stand. Ellie got to her feet, and looked down at him, her hands finding the warmth of her pockets.

"Come on," she said gently, prodding him with the toe of her shoe. "Matt- they're gonna close the gate."

"I know," he said in a strange voice. "Give me a minute." He shut his eyes, and his lips moved as if he was uttering a quiet prayer, and then he got to his feet, heaving a deep sigh. "Alright, let's go."


	24. Chapter 24

They made their way in silence up the rise and through entrance of the settlement; Ellie heard the screech of the gate being shut behind them and locked for the night. Matt stopped, and stood still in the middle of the compound.

"Ellie –" he began in a pained voice, and she met his eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Relief spread through him. "Come with me."

Ellie found herself nodding. "Of course."

Matt lived in a building which had been divided into smaller units to hold the men without families. There was one area which served as a kitchen of sorts, and several smaller chambers surrounded it. The building was originally a collection of offices for those servicing the dam, but now it was a suitable place for the workmen to live. Ellie pulled her hoodie tighter about her as Matt pushed open the door and directed her through the main area into a smaller cubicle. There were two cots there, the second unmade and covered with a pile of wrinkled clothing. A partially consumed piece of bread-and-some-makeshift-type-butter languished in an aluminum pan. Matt swallowed thickly.

"Not a very tidy fellow, huh," Ellie said in a low tone as Matt turned on the yellow light hanging from above them.

"Used to drive me nuts," Matt managed, forcing a strangled laugh. The quiet buzz of the electricity pervaded the room as Ellie pushed aside the stuff, and sat on the cot. Matt slowly fished a coat from the pile of clothing behind her, and removed his own, pushing his arms through the sleeves of his father's garment, and sitting down on the other cot with his head in his hands. Ellie watched him with sympathy rising in her chest.

Grasping the edge of the cot, she hitched it forward, away from the wall, and pulled with her feet until she settled it into place opposite him, their knees touching. Then lightly, very lightly, she began to finger Matt's hair. His head lowered still further until it was nearly upon her lap, and Ellie continued to fidget, sorting out the tangled waves and pushing pack a few pieces behind his ears, parting it at the crown and touching the tiny whorl of exposed scalp there. She felt his hot tears drip on her jeans before she noticed the shaking of his shoulders.

"Hey, hey..." she murmured, sitting beside him and smoothing a small hand over his back. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

"I know," he gasped. "But now I just want to forget."

"Okay." Ellie brushed her hair back from her face. "Let's talk about something."

Matt shook his head, lifting his face, which was pale and tear tracked. "Kiss me," he croaked.

Ellie swallowed and looked at her lap. "Matt..."

"Ellie, just – pretend, for a little while." His eyes were pale, dead. "Make me forget. If you love me, do it. As a friend."

She took a deep breath. "As a friend," she echoed, her voice strange.

Her heartbeat thudding in her ears, Ellie sat next to him, and pulled her feet up beneath her on the uneven cot, holding his face between her hands and pressing a kiss to his lips. Matt inhaled a shaking breath, and his arms went around her, holding her close, as slowly, ever so slowly, he parted his lips and responded. Ellie tried to quell the trembling she felt deep within her, the overwhelming urge to pull away, to run, but she was captured in the danger of her own deceit, and continued to kiss him, feeling ashamed that she was deriving pleasure from Matt's weakness. Before, the control had been completely and totally his. Now it was undeniably hers.

Drunk with a perilous combination of grief and pleasure, Matt's hands crushed themselves to Ellie's body, pressing her close to him, fumbling with her clothing. She continued to kiss him, on his lips, over the swollen places beneath his eyes, down his cheek and jaw, and his hands captured hers, wringing them with a tremendous pressure that almost made her yelp in pain.

"I can't – I feel numb –" he gasped. "Do something."

"I don't want to," she mumbled. "It's not right."

"Talk to me about the baby," Matt begged, his hands finding her belly and pressing into the soft flesh there.

"I don't know a thing about it except it's a freakin' baby," Ellie whispered, holding Matt's face between her hands. "You're acting weird."

"Not helping," Matt gasped, shutting his eyes. "Distract me. Hurt me."

"No." Ellie lowered her brows. "I'm not hurting you."

"Kiss me again."

Ellie lowered her face, and as she pressed her lips to his, she felt a sharp pain and the taste of blood. She jerked back, and put a hand to her lip.

"What the – You bit me!"

"Come on," Matt begged, his eyes wild, his hands tearing at her ponytail. "Make me feel your pain."

Without thinking, Ellie fell upon him and crushed their mouths together, sinking her teeth into the soft flesh of his bottom lip, tasting blood. Matt did not flinch, merely inhaled, and clawed her closer, his hands bruising her ribcage. He nosed his way up to her neck and nipped there, then harder, and Ellie retaliated by planting a deep bite in the flesh of his shoulder, through his t-shirt. There Matt gasped, and gripped Ellie's arms.

"That hurt," he breathed.

"Yeah, I know, that's why I did it," she wheezed back. "You hurt me first."

"I'm sorry." His clouded eyes met hers and he caressed the spot of blood that was hardening on her lip. His own still wept blood, streaking his chin and giving him a wild, manic look, and Ellie pulled the sleeve of her hoodie over her hand, wiping it clean. Matt winced, and Ellie's eyebrows drew together.

"Gol-lee. Let me see your shoulder."

"It's fine. It's good. The pain will keep me rational throughout the night."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No." He swiped at his lip again, smearing his hand with an uneven line of blood. "I love you, Ellie. I never want you to leave."

"Fine." She flopped down next to him, scowling and settling her shirt. Her expression softened. "I'm really sorry about your dad, Matt," she said, looking up at him.

Meeting those large, childlike eyes, Matt heaved a deep breath. "Thank you. Life will go on."

She closed her eyes, willing her pulse to slow, and gradually, it did so, as she drifted off to sleep, Matt's arm around her.

When she awakened, it was late in the morning. The sun was bright around them, and Ellie squinted, wondering how late it actually could be. There was no telling. Her first thought was, "Jeez, Joel is going to kill me. I never even told him where I was." Her next thought was of Matt. "Poor guy. Let him sleep so he can forget for a little longer."

Carefully, she eased herself into an upright position, her hand idly patting to a place on her belly, as she stood, stretching, and beginning to quietly push the other cot back into its former position. Matt stirred and made a strange half-wakeful noise, and Ellie looked at his face, seeing that his eyes were open, and staring at her.

"Hey." She pushed her hair out of her eyes. "I've gotta go."

Matt made no reply, but his hand twitched errantly, and she thought she detected a flicker of sadness stab through his bleary vision.

"You gonna be okay?"

He still made no reply except to let out a low moan, and turn his back to her. Ellie's brow furrowed, and she sighed, zipping up her hoodie and making her way toward the door.

"Fine. I'll check up on you -"

A terrifyingly feral sound arrested her steps as Ellie turned, seeing Matt stagger up from the bed, a vacant light in his eyes.

"Matt –?"

He lurched toward her, the dried blood from the night before staining the area around his mouth, which was slack and gaping. His skin was blotchy, his eyes unfocused, glowing with a slight unseeing luminescence... Like a runner's.


	25. Chapter 25

Ellie swore and stumbled back, her hands feeling for the door behind her, her eyes refusing to look anywhere but Matt's face. Her lips were dry and her tongue passing feverishly over them did nothing to help. Her vocal chords seemed frozen, and she pawed desperately for the door, finding the latch, and shoving it open just as Matt released a growl of realization and flailed forwards toward her. She slammed the door shut, hearing the dull thud of his body hit the other side, the sluggishness of his body's resistance to the infection taking over his involuntary aggression. Ellie stole a brief moment to catch her breath in the corridor, before the thundering of her heart forced her feet forward and down the stairs, outside into the morning. She broke into a run.

"Joel..." she called, her voice quiet and wavering. "Joel!" It escalated as she ran, and the watch turned, regarding her with shouts of alarm.

"Ellie! What's the matter?" Earl called from the eastern gate, but she ignored him, feet pounding up the steps of the porch, flinging open the screen door and nearly colliding with Tommy, shotgun in his hands.

"Ellie, what's goin' on?"

"Joel – I need Joel," she gasped, her eyes wild.

Tommy gripped her shoulder, searching her face. "What- happened?" he demanded. "Your lip's busted. And where have you been?"

"The heck it matters to you!" she shouted, shoving away and charging through the kitchen. "Joel!" she vociferated.

"Ellie, he ain't here! He went out with early this morning lookin' for you when you didn't come back!"

"I need him! Now!"

"What is going on?" Maria cried, entering the room, her boots half-laced. "Ellie-"

"Matt – he's... I just need Joel," Ellie panted, her throat constricting. "Where is he – just tell me which way he went..."

"Wait – hang on. Matt what?" Maria looked from Tommy to Ellie, then back again.

"Couldn't get a word out of her -"

"Matt's infected." It blurted out before she could stop it. "I don't know how or what or why, but he's like – he's like a runner."

"Runner?" Maria's eyes narrowed.

"What Joel calls them when they've just been – infected." Tears filled her eyes, but she hardly noticed. "I swear, I didn't mean for this to happen, and I wasn't thinking – I just don't get how -"

"Where is he?" Tommy demanded.

"I don't _know_, you said he went out looking for -"

"Matt, Ellie – where is Matt?"

"I-in his rooms. Where he used to be with his dad – the – uh, offices for the workers or whatever." Her cheeks shone with tears as she pleaded, "Don't go there – please, just lemme go after Joel..."

Maria put a hand on her shoulder and propelled her toward the door. "Take us to Matt."

Tommy was already out the door, raising a hand at the assembled watch and various others. "Go about your business, we're handling it," he said, pushing through, Maria and Ellie on his heels.

"Tell me what he looked like – what he did," Tommy demanded in a low voice once they passed out of earshot, Ellie struggling to keep up with his long stride.

"He just... his eyes. And he didn't talk. And – he was slow – lethargic. And then he jumped for me a little, but I closed the door..."

Tommy exchanged a look with Maria, who nodded. "That's the first stage of infection. Tommy's only ever dealt with clickers out here. Had a bloater once, but that was a long time ago."

"I swear I never meant for this to happen -" Ellie gasped. "I had no idea -"

"What, is this somehow your fault?" Tommy wheeled, and met her eye, his gaze piercing. Ellie took a shaking breath.

"Yeah – how couldn't it be?"

"How can he even get infected here," Maria murmured. "We're safe, we haven't had anyone new in months, how could -"

"I'm immune, but that doesn't mean I don't carry it," Ellie choked. "He – he made me... We were upset with each other, and it was so fast. I was tryin' to help him, so I did what he said, and I -"

"You infected him..." Tommy breathed, shaking his head. "How did I not see this coming."

They had reached the building, and Tommy pulled open the exterior door, mounting the stairs, Maria and Tommy on his heels.

"There are other men that sleep here..." Maria began, but Ellie returned, "I think they've all gotten up already. We... we were really tired and woke up late."

Their footsteps echoed in the passageway as they made their way to the room Ellie indicated and fell into silence, listening for a sound on the other side of the door. Nothing. Ellie lifted a hand and spread her palm against it, pressing an ear there while blowing out a silent breath. Still nothing.

"You sure you left him –" Tommy began, when a noise arrested him mid sentence- the sound of labored breathing, and a slight rattle. Matt stood at the end of the corridor, wandering from the empty office on the end, his head down, a vacant light in his eyes. Ellie clenched her teeth as Maria swore under her breath.

"Make sure there's no one in the building," Tommy said in a low, measured tone. Nodding wordlessly, Ellie turned and made her way quickly back down the stairs, Maria following her, opening each door they passed and seeming satisfied there was no one else within.

At last, Tommy joined them outside, slamming the door and looking around as if searching for something to barricade it shut.

"Is he – did he -" Ellie began.

"He wasn't real aggressive." Tommy met his wife's eyes, then the girl's. "But he is infected."

Ellie let out an anguished sound and buried her face in her hands as Maria pulled her into a fierce hug.

"Ellie, this is not your fault -"

"Of course it's my freakin' fault!" she burst out, gasping for air. "Everything I do turns out wrong, and I knew from the beginning it was all a giant -"

"Ellie!"

Joel's voice sliced through the air as he hurried up, and the girl fled into his arms. "You alright? Tommy-" He met his brother's eyes. "What in the name of -"

"We have a situation," Tommy began, taking a deep breath.

Maria looked away. Joel stood with Ellie still wrapped in his arms and looked from one to the other. "What kind of situation?" he bit out, his voice terse. He shook the girl ever so slightly. "Don't you go runnin' off like that again, you hear me?" His thumb brushed haphazardly at the dried blood streaking her lip. "And where's the boy?"

Tommy looked out of the tops of his eyes. "Joel – they were here. They were both here. And Ellie says that Matt's infected."

His grip relaxed involuntarily, and she looked up at him. "Joel, I had no idea -"

"He's _what_?" Joel's voice went nearly silent with incredulity.

Maria took a deep breath, putting her hands on her hips, saying in a quiet voice, "Apparently even though Ellie never succumbed to the infection, she carries it."

"Right, we knew that, go on," Joel hissed.

"And she can pass it on. She infected Matt."

"I'm – so sorry..." Ellie stammered, and Joel stepped back from her, meeting her eyes with some unnameable emotion painted there.

"Is this true?"

"This morning he – he just... he's like a runner now," she sniffed. "And I had no idea, I didn't mean -"

"We keep this quiet," Joel uttered, stabbing a finger toward the ground. "Until we can figure out what to do. Where is he?"

Tommy jerked his head toward the building, and Joel's face relaxed ever so slightly. "Is it secure?"

"We're going to have to make it secure."

"We can't just leave him locked up in there – what if... He's gonna turn more, Joel – what're we -" Ellie stopped short as Tommy gave her a warning look.

"Maria – take Ellie back outta here," Joel said in a hard tone.

"No," she whispered. "I wanna hear what you're going to do. I want to do it too."

"Haven't you done enough?" Joel barked. He regretted the words the moment they were out. Pain flashed across Ellie's face like lightning in the summer sky, and she was too shocked to even curse. She struck off back across the compound, and Maria followed wordlessly, after giving an eloquent look to the men that translated to something like, _don't make this any worse._


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: thank you all for your patience with my slow updates! Work and school is very time-consuming, but rest assured I have not abandoned this! Also, the cameo of Ellie's switchblade is dedicated to reader Galen Devereaux who has been waiting patiently for its appearance :-) Enjoy!**

* * *

Clouds were rolling in from the south, obscuring the morning sunlight, and Ellie looked at the ground just as it was peppered with a single falling droplet, Maria's hand on the back of her shoulder ushering her onwards. She didn't say another word until they reached the house, when she turned to Maria, strangely calm.

"What're they gonna do." Her green eyes were round.

Maria took a deep breath. "Honey, no one knows yet, we're all still processing it. Now – do you want to start from the beginning, and explain what happened?"

"Since you asked, no, not really," Ellie murmured. "You already know, I already said."

"Ellie – did you have _any_ idea -"

"Heck, no!" she burst out, her voice hoarse. "If I did, do you think I woulda done it?"

"And before – when you and Matt – just..." Maria covered her hand with her mouth. "Never mind. Somehow, he's infected."

"Me," Ellie continued doggedly. "It was me, just say it."

Maria's pupils were dilated as she braced both hands on Ellie's shoulders and met her gaze. "You know what this means?"

Ellie's chest rose ever so slightly as she took in an uneven breath, but said nothing.

"Ellie." Maria's voice was low. "They're going to see you as dangerous. As a threat. They're going to want to get rid of you – send you away, or worse. Because they'll think you could infect us all."

"Can't I?" Ellie croaked. "Maybe you'd better just put a bullet in my brain and be done with it."

Maria straightened, looking like she'd just been slapped. "Don't you want to fight?" she whispered. "Are you going to fight this or not?"

Ellie shook her head wearily. "All I do is fight. All we've ever done, from day one. And..." Her eyes glazed over, somehow more frightening to Maria than tears and swearing. "I'm just... so tired. Maybe it's better."

"No." Maria spoke quickly. "They will try to tell you you're a threat, that you're dangerous -"

"Aren't I?" she broke in. "Matt – he was fine, healthy, _good._ Now he's one of them." The blasé tone with which Ellie stated the raw truth was more than chilling.

"You are a fighter, and you are going to fight this as you've fought everything else, now you do as I say," Maria continued in an even tone, "and go find Anna. She needs to hear what's going on, and she needs to hear it from you. After that, I want you to come straight back here and wait for Joel or Tommy. We're gonna figure this out."

The moment Maria stopped talking, she lifted her head, hearing the sound of voices outside, and went to the door, unlocking it and stepping out onto the porch. Several of the Oklahomans had assembled and were muttering to each other, joined by a few of the original group. "Go back to your work, whatever it is, Tommy and Joel are sorting it out," Maria called, and obediently, the small assemblage dispersed with worried looks and parting glances. Maria let her eyes fall shut for a brief minute, and then struck off across the settlement.

Just outside the office building, Tommy and Joel eyed each other for a long moment, their sudden silence enforced by the passing of several of those on guard who were rotating stations. Earl tried to meet one of their gazes, but both men carefully avoided eye contact. As soon as they were out of earshot, Joel put his hand to his hip holster, and jerked his head toward the door. They had to go back in. At least get the boy locked in until some decision could be made, or he could be immobilized, or -

"I got it," Tommy murmured, pulling the door open, and holding it there with his back as Joel passed through, his eyes keen and searching for something, anything that could be used to tie Matt up if necessary. A tangle of unwanted computer cording would do the trick, and Joel grabbed it, winding it hurriedly between the web of his hand and his elbow, slipping it off in a tidy coil and handing it to Tommy wordlessly. There was no sound in the building except the beginning droplets of rain that splattered on the broken roof.

At the bottom of the stairs, Joel and Tommy stopped, meeting each others eyes.

"What in the world are you gonna do?" Tommy whispered. "It's on you, you know."

"On me?" Joel lowered his brow. "How the heck is it on me? These are your people, they look to you for decisions."

"She's your girl. This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for her."

"And none of that would even have happened if it weren't for you and Maria's tomfoolery!" Joel hissed, sending echoes flying around the cement room. He stopped and took a deep breath, looking around them, the shuffling of Tommy's feet loud in the quietude.

"We can't just block off the entire building until we can have a session of congress," Tommy began somewhat sarcastically. "We do what needs to be done, and we do it now."

"What needs to be done?" Joel demanded. "Way I see it, we should'a thought of this before. Now, I never had any idea that Ellie's... immunity was like this. Like she wouldn't get it herself, but she could infect others. So if -" Joel stopped short, a horrible thought dawning pale across his face. He swore. "Do you think that -"

"Maria started to, but I told her not to talk that way, things seemed to be normal -"

"Is there any way of knowin'?" Joel demanded, his voice rising. "There isn't. Tommy, I swear to God, if anything happens to her -"

Tommy regarded Joel with round eyes. "I don't think that's how it works."

"How _do_ you think it works? Huh? You have so many ideas about this, then why don't you just cook up a cure for us!"

"This is what I'm talkin' about, this is where you go too far," Tommy said, his voice clipped. "Me and Maria, we had a thought. A thought, and you go blamin' every dang thing that's happened since on us, just because we voiced an _opinion_."

"An opinion?" Joel looked around him in disbelief, as if appealing to the shadows for support. "That wasn't an opinion, Tommy, that was full-on pressure to do somethin' you and I both know never crossed her mind to do."

"Sometimes we gotta think of more than ourselves," Tommy returned, his palms lifted. "That's all I'm sayin'."

"Did it ever cross your mind, little brother – did it ever cross your mind that she is sixteen years old and has never known happiness? Hm? Why don't you think about that before you go tryin' to teach your lessons of thinkin' for other people, okay? Every darn thing she's ever done has been for someone else, or for _survival._ And if you think that watchin' her go through this has been easy, then let me tell you -"

"Joel-!" Tommy yelped, cutting him off as an unearthly sound was released from a raw throat at the top of the stairs.

Back at the house, Ellie looked around in the silence for a long moment, before slowly crossing the room, her limbs feeling leaden, her mind buzzing with a thousand thoughts of nothing all at once. Her hand fumbled for the latch on the screen door, and it swung open; the toe of her sneaker caught on the threshold and made her stumble, but she kept walking nervelessly on, the grey of the sky seeping into her very bones, drooping her eyelids and suppressing her senses. She was just so... tired. And afraid. As quickly as the startling lethargy had come, it was chased away with rising panic. Her heart began to race, her pulse thundering in her ears like the hooves of a thousand horses, as she increased her pace across the compound. Anna. Find Anna. Tell her about Matt.

Rain began to fall from the sky in great heavy splats of rain, slow, whelming into the dusty ground. She fell heavily to her knees, letting her burning eyes fall shut, counting one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand... Or was it one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi? Her breath came in short jagged gasps, tearing through her lungs, and she felt the droplets of her tears dripping from her cheeks before she even realized she was silently weeping, her arms wrapped about herself. Something stiff dug into her thigh from the pocket of her jeans, and rising up ever so slightly, Ellie stuffed her hand within and pulled out her switchblade – the blade that had saved her and Joel's life so many times over their long trek, and had performed service for her mother before her. Ellie thought of her child, the thing within her, and wondered... Suddenly, it didn't seem fair. Worth it. What a world to live in, to bring someone else into. With a numb flick, she mindlessly pressed open the blade, and held it in a shaking hand when she heard a voice call her name.

"Ellie! Ellie!"

Footsteps splashed into her line of vision, and Anna's concerned face was close to hers. "Ellie, _what _is going on? No one will talk to me, everyone's running around all hush-hush, and -" She stopped short, her eyes widening in horror as she saw the switchblade clenched in her friend's hand. "Ellie..." she began in a low, frightened voice. "I don't know what it is, but if you think that you're gonna solve it with that, then you're wrong."

"How do you know," Ellie said, her voice ragged. "You don't know what's going on."

"I would if you'd... tell me." Anna's voice was gentle, as if startling the girl would end it all. "Just... give me that, okay. You're scaring me."

"It's all I do. Scare people," Ellie returned bitterly, snapping the blade shut and shoving it into her pocket again, hauling herself to her feet, and when she stumbled forward a step, Anna caught her by her shoulders.

"Ellie-?"

"Anna..." Ellie's voice broke, and she buried her face in the girl's shoulder, clinging to her as if for dear life. "Anna, the whole world's so messed up, and some of it's my fault, and I just don't know what to do anymore, I never knew what to do, and this whole freakin' time I've just been pretending... and I'm tired of pretending I'm strong, of pretending I know what to do -"

"Hey... hey – hey..." Anna squeezed her, harder, and then harder to get her attention until Ellie gasped for breath. "Shut up, just shut up, will you? Whatever it is – it can't be that bad. It can't -"

A gunshot split the air.


	27. Chapter 27

It had been four weeks. Four interminably long weeks since it was done. Since Matt. Anna had hardly been given time to process it before it was all over, and they were moving on. The weather was growing steadily warmer, and there was a good deal of work to do. Seeds to be planted, game to be hunted... Grass grew green again.

Ellie avoided Anna for some time. And Anna was content for it to be that way. They both needed some space to recover. Ellie's heart ached, and some nights when she tossed and turned, trying in vain to get comfortable, her eyes twitching behind her eyelids, she wasn't sure if it was because Matt was gone and because she had felt something for him as a friend, or because of Anna. Because Anna was distant, and she never got to hear what Anna thought. How Anna felt after she told her. Ellie draped an arm across her face, trying to force her nerves to be still, to not think about it, but the urges became too strong, borne on the tide of the grief which had been suppressed to a mind-numbing solitude.

The night was warm, sticky. The cicadas buzzed in the trees as she did her best to creep down the stairs, swearing internally as stairs that she used to pass without incident creaked under her step. The night air was still as she pushed open the door; those on watch turned to regard her silently, turning back to their duties when they saw it was only the girl with the falling-down ponytail, the hacked-off jean shorts, and the ragged tank top pushed outwards by the swell of her belly.

She picked her way through the settlement without incident, and almost collided with a figure emerging from between two houses.

"Holy _crap_," Ellie exclaimed in a fierce whisper.

"Ellie -"

"Anna."

The two stood, staring wordlessly at each other in the shadows until they fell into a hug, each clinging to the other as if for dear life.

"I'm sorry..." Ellie mumbled. "I'm just really sorry..."

"For what?" Anna asked, pulling back, and holding the other girl's face between her hands. Ellie's eyes drifted shut, her words jumbled.

"For – all the.. stuff – Matt... avoiding you..."

"It's okay." Anna released her and pulled her into a hug again. "How are you holding up?"

"Holding up," Ellie returned, clasping her hands together behind Anna's back and adding, "You?"

"Okay," Anna said, burying her face in Ellie's shoulder for a brief moment, before releasing you. "I thought... _man_ – I couldn't imagine..."

"It's past." Ellie jutted her chin out. "And we're okay."

Anna nodded her head, taking a deep breath. "I just... some days I can't believe it." Her eyes were wistful. "I miss him."

Ellie pressed her lips together. "Yeah. Me too."

They ended up sitting in the hard-packed dirt against the outside of Anna's house, talking in low voices, catching up, interrupting each other, suppressing giggles, and trying to talk about anything except Matt.

"You know what I wish?" Ellie said at last, and Anna held her breath, thinking it was going to be something unanswerable: deep, introspective, and full of emotion. She should have known better, considering it was Ellie.

"I wish _dragons_ were real," Ellie blurted out. "I mean, c'mon, think about it. Wouldn't that be the most awesome thing ever? If they were real, I would totally want one."

Anna choked back laughter.

"Really..."

"Heck, yeah! And seriously, if you think about it – people never thought any of this crap would be real. You know, clickers and stuff, so maybe they were wrong about dragons too." She got to her feet and stretched her arms. "I'm gonna keep on hoping."

"You do that," Anna said, poking a finger at Ellie's stomach as she stretched, causing her to recoil and glare.

"Stop!"

"It's so weird..."

"That does loads for my self-confidence, Anna," Ellie growled.

"Alright." Anna got to her feet as well and wrapped her friend in a brief hug, causing Ellie's adrenaline to surge yet again. "You take care."

"I will," Ellie returned, ducking her head, and retreating a few steps. "You too."

"Night, Ellie."

Ellie's happiness was such that she was hardly interested in the sudden calls she heard as she made her way back toward the house, and the hurried footfalls along the parapet. Only halfway curious, Ellie idled along behind Steve as he clambered down from his post and made his way with some of the others to the east gate, voices growing louder.

"Please – I promise I'm peaceful -" an unfamiliar voice was saying, a man's. "I'll hand over my gun, anything you say, just please..." His words were ragged with desperation. "There is a pack of clickers that overran the town we'd holed up in -"

"Did they follow you?" Houser's gruff tones.

"I haven't seen them for three days. Haven't had any food... or water..."

"Any more of you?"

"There were more. But not now."

"You're gonna have to wait. I'll fetch Tommy, he's the one you'll need to talk to. He makes the decisions here."

"I'll go get him," Ellie spoke up, and she received an affirming pat on the shoulder before turning, and hurrying back toward the house, swinging open the screen door.

"Joel?" she called in a loud whisper. "There's someone at the gate. I'm gonna wake Tommy."

"Hm..." Joel sat up, rubbing his face. "You stay put." His voice sounded more awake than he looked.

"I'll stay with Maria," Ellie volunteered. It was a rather clever on her part, because she knew Maria would accompany Tommy to the gate, and then she could at least be in on the happenings without crossing Joel. Because Joel when first awakened had the social graces of a hibernating grizzly, she knew that for a fact.

"Tommy – Maria -" Ellie's rapped with her knuckles lightly on the doorframe and the door swung open to reveal Tommy already stomping his feet into his boots and Maria pulling on a loose shirt.

"What's going on?"

"Guy at the gate. Steve's handling it, but they said to get you."

"Just one?" Tommy asked, standing to his feet and crossing the room, regarding the girl in the dim light.

"I think so. Only heard one." Ellie trailed after Tommy who banged out the front door with Joel on his heels, until Maria caught her shoulder.

"What were you doing out there anyway?"

Ellie winced. "Just... talkin' with Anna. That's all."

"In the dead of night? You two are crazy," Maria returned, but there was a smile behind her words. She didn't have the heart to scold the girl who was just now coming out of the throes of misery into a friendship again. "Let's go with the boys."

Ellie bobbed her head, pushing her bangs behind her ears as they returned into the still night. It seemed the entire camp had been awakened and gathered at the east gate, and Joel was doing his best to quell the chattering while the gate was opened. Pushing through with Maria, they reached Tommy, and the stranger he had engaged in an interrogation. Ellie's heart leapt into her throat at the sight of the man. His was a face she recognized. He was one of David's men. One of _them_. He caught her gaze for a brief moment, and his eyes dragged down her form, and back up again.

"Sure have grown, haven't you," he said, his sudden recognition unnerving.

Ellie cursed under her breath, and grabbed Maria's arm in a death grip. "Don't let him in."

"Tommy..." Maria began, but Ellie vociferated. "Do _not_ let this son of a -"

"Ellie!" Maria looked her in the face, eyes wide. "Do you know him? What are you talking about?"

"I met them before... with Joel. He'd remember him." Ellie's raised voice quietened the crowd around them somewhat. "He was with them. He's a – a- " She couldn't bring herself to say the word.

"You... you were David's little prize," the man said, lifting a hand and taking a step closer.

"Don't _touch _me," Ellie snarled, starting forward, and fumbling in the pocket of her shorts. She yanked out her switchblade, muscles tensed; murmurs and warnings spread through the gathered crowd.

"I understand your aversion, but you have to know – we're not all like that. We weren't _all_ -"

"Are you the only one?" Ellie demanded.

"We -"

"Are you the only one?" she shouted, her eyes enormous in the dark.

The man lifted both his hands as Joel came shoving his way through the crowd, and joined Maria and Tommy in flanking the girl.

"Ellie, what in the name of..."

"_Are you – the only – one!_" Ellie repeated, her knuckles growing white as she clenched the blade in her grasp.

"No," the man returned after a long beat. "No, there's Reuben too. He's collapsed. Just here." He indicated with a jerk of his hand, and at once two of the men pushed past him out the gate and there was the sound of a struggle, and muffled curses. They dragged a smaller figure in through the gate and tossed him on the ground near Joel and Ellie – a figure with matted hair and a shirt with the sleeves torn off, his legs folded grotesquely under him.

"Reuben," the man explained, pointing a finger. "We two are the only ones left."

"And you are-?"

"Dwight." The man regarded the group from the hollows of his eyes. "We've all done horrible things to survive. We just want a chance. Like any of you. A chance to move on."

"No." Ellie's voice was hard. "Not here."

Tommy opened his mouth to say something when the twisted figure on the ground moved, and looked up, regarding the onlookers with a dirt-and-blood covered face. "This girl is your leader?" And then he collapsed in a heap once more.


	28. Chapter 28

Ellie didn't remember being ushered back to the house by Joel and Maria, but she was vaguely aware of her own voice in her ears, babbling nonsense.

"Joel!" she exclaimed in a hoarse voice, seizing him by the front of his shirt the moment they'd gotten in the door. "You _know_ who he is. You _know_ who they are, they can't -"

"Settle down, it ain't your call, it ain't even my call," Joel returned, peeling her fingers away from their fierce grip on the worn fabric. "It's up to Tommy..."

"Tommy doesn't know them," Maria said in a low tone. "Do you?"

"We know what they _do_," Ellie spat, her hands finding Joel again. He grasped her wrists gently, and said, "Ellie, just get my spare clip out of the one pocket, and put it in the other."

She looked at him as if he was insane.

"What the h-"

"Just do it for me."

He met Maria's eyes as Ellie's shaking fingers pried open the snap on his shirt pocket, pulled out the empty magazine, and transferred it slowly to the other pocket, pressing both snaps closed again. Apparently sufficient information was transmitted through silent expression during Ellie's brief task that allowed Joel to reach a conclusion. "I'm gonna go back to Tommy."

"It's okay," Maria reassured the girl, seeing the wide-eyed look on her face.

"You're freakin' kidding me," she whispered. "Joel – no. They're..."

"They're helpless. Weak. We'll keep 'em in isolation for a good long time. Let 'em prove their change of colors."

"Joel..." She watched his back as he exited the door, the sound of his boots on the floorboards the only sound.

Maria nudged Ellie.

"Who are they?" she asked. For once, her tone was stripped of anything but honesty. This was not a girl-to-girl talk, this was not a mother-to-daughter or even friend-to-friend. This was simply one survivor to another. Ellie took a deep breath and turned to face the woman.

"Cannibals." Her face was blank. "The guy I told you about... a long time ago, when I told you – he was the one that tried to-"

"I see." Maria nodded, her eyes showing a small amount of sympathy overshadowed by the all-enthralling objectivity. "And your memories got the better of you."

"Not my memories, what the heck! More like brains?" Ellie leaned forward, spreading her arms. "They eat people, Maria! And worse!"

"Do you know that?"

"Well, they were with the ones who did."

"You don't know that they felt the same way."

"It was kinda hard to tell from the _cage_ they locked me in, but it sure didn't seem like they were ready to help me out," Ellie fired back. "I'm not buying it. The whole 'we're so desperate, please help us so we can freakin' _eat _you later'."

The door opened, and Ellie turned, fully expecting to see Joel or Tommy, and was surprised to see Anna standing in the pool of light cast from within.

"Maria?" The girl toyed with a long strand of her hair. "So – is everything alright?"

"Fine, Anna," Maria returned. "Tommy and Joel are handling it."

"Like heck they are," Ellie muttered.

"What?" Anna looked at her friend. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing," Ellie returned, crossing the room and heaving a deep breath while Anna put her arm around her.

"Go to bed, Ellie," she said in a gentle voice. "You're gonna be tired tomorrow."

"Don't baby me," Ellie mumbled and Maria suppressed a smile.

"Your friend's a smart one, girlie," she said, regarding Ellie with crossed arms. "It's fine. We'll update you in the morning."

Once again, Ellie didn't remember being walked up the stairs, but she was conscious long enough to register Anna pulling the covers up over her before she fell back into the oblivion of sleep.

Anna was gone when Ellie awakened. She didn't know why she expected her to still be there, but some part of her had taken comfort in the concept of her presence, even in her slumbering state. Her head felt heavy when she tried to lift it from the pillow, so she simply let it fall back and snoozed for some time until the racket down below in the kitchen roused her to the happenings of the day.

Ellie caught a whiff of herself as she sat up. Grimacing, she determined that a bath was in order, only to find that a routine malfunction of the generator had resulted, once again, in there being no tap water. "Great. Back to square one," Ellie said aloud to the mirror, making a mental note to bring a bucket from the pump later, and settling for a spray of this expired scent that she and Joel had found on one of their last excursions together.

The return trip from the hospital had been strange; the car had run out of gasoline long before they reached Wyoming, and the winter was almost like it was before; just the two of them, together. But they were quieter, not as much talking. They had no destination, no immediate goal, nothing to talk about. And after Joel answered Ellie's single question, it was put in the past. They moved on. But in a raid of an abandoned drugstore, when Ellie had been told to get some stuff she'd need, she'd stashed a supply of the annoyingly fuscia-wrapped pads and also – a bottle of scent-spray. It gave the bathroom - and Ellie - an overpowering reek of tropical fruit and rubbing alcohol, but it was better than nothing, and so she descended the stairs intent on breakfast.

Maria made no comment to about the aroma and only expressed mild surprise when Ellie downed three portions of oatmeal in half the time it usually took her.

"What, I'm _starving_," Ellie murmured, a smile pulling at her mouth as she got to her feet, and Maria aimed a swat at her ponytail. "You gonna tell me about last night? The... people?"

"Tommy and Joel set them up in the office building."

Ellie's eyebrows lifted. "_The_ office building."

Maria nodded. "The other men that lived there are content to stay in the community hall. More room there anyway, and so we've set up the building to be very... secure."

"I sure hope so," Ellie said, folding her arms. "So, what, are they under constant watch, or something?"

"No..." Maria shook her head. "But Joel is gonna to question them closely."

Ellie took a deep breath, nodding slowly as she processed it. "Is the whole building off-limits?"

Maria furrowed her brow. "They're on the lower floor. Why do you ask?"

"I was thinking..." The concept had been vaguely present in her mind for the past few days, but she'd hesitated to speak or act on it. "I just wanted to go through Matt's things. I mean, nobody ever cleared them out, they're kinda just sitting there..."

"Tell Joel," Maria returned, her voice leaving no room for arguing. "But I think that'll be fine."

Nodding, Ellie plunked her bowl in the sink and reached for the faucet, only to remember the water issue and make a careless gesture, turning, shoving her feet into her sneakers, and exiting the house. More people than she was used to seeing just after breakfast were walking about the compound, and Ellie raised her eyebrows in mild surprise until she realized that her oversleeping put her about two hours behind schedule. She waved to Jake and hurried over to him.

"Where's Joel?"

"I dunno..." Jake rubbed the back of his hand across his brow, then down his face, his grey-tinted stubble making a slight scratching noise against the surface of his palm. "Did you check the generator room? We've had some complaints about water again."

"Nope." Ellie pursed her lips. "I'll go there."

"It's where I'm headed. So." Jake grinned as they started walking. "When is this baby coming, hm?"

Ellie's brow lowered, and she crossed her arms defensively. "How am I supposed to know? It's not like the whole deal came with a 'complete by' date."

The man suppressed a laugh. "You don't know how long it's been?"

"Oh, I know how long it's been. Too freakin' long," Ellie said, letting out a short laugh. "I'm trying not to think about it."

The man's face sobered. "Maybe you should. It's serious business, and all."

"You think I don't know that?" the girl muttered. "That's _why._"

Jake nodded slowly, as they rounded the corner of the community hall. "I 'member when Anna's mother told me I needed to tell Anna the stuff. The talk, you know. I told her there was no way in hell I was gonna do that. She needed to talk to her own daughter."

Ellie looked at the man. "Did she?"

Jake shrugged. "I guess. She hasn't brought it up since."

"Yeah, well, Joel gave me the short version. I haven't felt like asking anything since."

"Don't ask me," Jake returned, lifting a hand, while he tugged open the door to the generator room with the other, gesturing for her to pass through. "I'd say talk to Maria, or another woman."

Ellie ducked under his arm and made an annoyed face, but replaced it quickly with a grin. "Hey- do somethin' for me?"

Jake hesitated. "Yeah?"

"Just tell Joel I'm having a look around the office building. Going through Matt's stuff. I'll be careful." And she turned and started to duck back through the door, when she felt someone give a gentle tug to her ponytail. She turned around to see Joel himself. Jake bobbed his head, and made his way towards where the men where working on the pumps.

"Hey." He looked down at her, a slight smile behind his eyes. "What're you doin'?"

"Gonna go through Matt's stuff..." Ellie returned, shrugging. "If it's okay."

"I'm surprised you ask me if it's okay. Looked like you were gonna do it anyway."

She took a deep breath, and looked up at him. "I'm sorry for going off half-cocked last night. I was pretty p-"

"You can go through Matt's stuff. But be careful. And keep away from the lower rooms. Tommy's questioning the fellas in there."

Ellie offered a sideways smile. "Thanks..."

"Be careful," Joel called after the girl as she let herself back out of the generator room.

Heaving open the door to the office building, Ellie didn't even glance down the first floor corridor, but ascended the steps without looking back, pausing at the top and swearing as she leaned over to catch her breath for a few seconds. "Holy crap, you're starting to weigh a lot," she murmured, rubbing a hand over her belly, and starting through the series of cubicles that led to Matt's on the end. Everything was just as they left it. Cot pulled out, dirty laundry, forgotten toast... It had shriveled to a crisp, and a twisting line of ants made their way down the wall, carrying crumbs back through a long crack in the concrete. Ellie took a deep breath, and knelt, pulling Matt's duffle bag from beneath his cot, opening it, and picking through the contents. A spare change of clothes. Some first-aid supplies. She idly tore open the antiseptic towelette from its package and sniffed at the dry napkin which was still barely scented like alcohol. Digging deeper, she pawed past an enamel cup and rolled-up shaving kit, and closed her hands around the small, smooth book. _Fenelon. _She looked at it for a brief moment, before replacing it in the duffle, and pushing it back beneath the cot.

She got to her feet and took a seat on the cot, watching the parade of ants on the opposite wall for a few moments. Matt's sleeping bag was still tangled, and her hands slid down the slick fabric, smoothing it out, when her fingers encountered a hard edge. Pushing the open zipper back, she saw Matt's copy of Moby Dick staring cover up at her. Ellie picked it up without a second thought, and stood to her feet, exiting the room and closing the door behind her.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs, voices could be heard one of the rooms down the corridor. Tommy's first, then a strange one. Younger, not the man who had spoken first at the gate.

"How long were you with them?" Tommy's voice asked in a low tone.

"Ever since things got bad," the other voice returned. "I mean, I kindof had to."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't have a choice. David made James his right-hand man, and that was that."

"Who is David?"

Ellie set her jaw, and clenched the book tight to her chest.

"Who _was_ David, you mean?" the young voice returned. "He was the leader. Our leader."

"And who was James?

The response was immediate. "I already told you, James was my brother. He was messed up. Screwed around with other men, with David. They screwed me when they were mad at each other." There was no reply from Tommy. "He may have been my brother, but he thought he could screw me over because I couldn't fight back. Because I couldn't run."

"What do you mean? You mean your legs?"

Ellie had heard enough. She shoved open the door, and spent the rest of the day losing herself in the world of ships and whales and seafaring adventures. She was determined to make it a good day in spite of everything, and when night fell, she slid the book under the bottom step of Tommy and Maria's porch, and turned her feet toward Anna's house.


	29. Chapter 29

Ellie raised her hand to knock on the door, but thought better of it when she heard a tremendous racket out back. Old-fashioned water pumps reared their heads in several places throughout the plant, and one of them was located behind the house that Anna and her folks shared. The unmistakable clank and gush of the spout filling a bucket drew Ellie around the side of the building in the twilight and she edged her way between the wall of the compound and the patched wooden fence that shielded the area from general view on three sides.

"Anna –" Ellie called quietly, wary of startling her, and stopped short, catching her breath as she sighted what the young woman was up to. Stripped down to nothing but a discolored bra and a pair of boxer shorts, she was engaged in hoisting up the filled bucket of water in preparation to pour it over her head. Her sun-kissed skin was round and beautiful in the soft evening glow, and Ellie had to swallow hard in order to participate in some decency.

"Anna – uh, it's Ellie," she called again, louder, her voice arresting the girl's movements. Ellie stepped into the yard, and Anna's eyebrows lifted.

"Huh? Oh, Ellie! Hi." Her state of undress didn't seem to bother her, as she hurried across the area and embraced her friend. "Sorry, showering," she grimaced. "You alright?" She rubbed a hand over Ellie's rounded middle. "I swear, every time I see you, you look bigger."

"It moves too, like an actual thing in there. It's crazy," Ellie murmured.

Anna's eyes shone. "You're so cute."

"Thanks, I guess," Ellie closed her eyes, wondering why she suddenly felt so dizzy. She opened them again. "Um – bad time?" A flush crept up her cheeks.

"Are you joking? We're both girls here," Anna snorted.

Ellie nodded. "Yeah."

Anna let out an exaggerated sigh. "Fine, Miss Innocence." She parted her long hair at the back of her neck and swept a portion of it over either shoulder, effectively covering her chest and a good portion of her stomach. "Better?"

Ellie shrugged. _What could she say? No? I like your boobs?_ "So, how're you doing?"

"Fine." Anna grinned. "You know, I've missed you. You shouldn't keep to yourself so much."  
"I don't really know what sort of stuff I'll get into if I don't, and I'm sick of dealing with crap," Ellie bit out. "I am just so mad sometimes."

"About what, exactly?" Anna's voice softened, and she pulled up a decrepit chair, gesturing for Ellie to have a seat, while she sat crossed-legged in the dirt. Ellie hesitantly took the chair, tipping her head back and draping her arm across her face.

"Look, I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanted to see you."

"Well, take your arm off your face and you'll have better luck."

Ellie grinned in spite of herself. "Alright." She laid the mock-sulkiness on heavily. "I guess I'd better help you, or this showering thing is never gonna happen. Where're your folks?"

"Jake is still with the guys checking the..." she gestured, "...contraptions that keep this place running, and Mom's probably still talking with Maria." She lowered her voice. "I'll bet she's talking about you."

"I wish she wouldn't."

"There's no real midwife in this place, and only a few women who've even had children themselves. Because of your immunity they're talking about contacting this doctor in –"

"Anna..." Ellie groaned. "Shut up, will you?"

"Fine." She cocked a dark brow. "Going to help me shower?"

"Sure," Ellie growled, a good imitation of Joel, and got to her feet. "Come on." She gestured to the concrete slab near the water pump. "A few good soaks is all you get, I don't feel like pumping up the whole freakin' river."

"Deal. Then I'll do you."

Ellie found herself nodding; the prospect of an actual dousing sounded nice after a few weeks of cleaning up with a washcloth. Grabbing the bucket and lifting it up in the air, enjoying the way her muscles felt flexing beneath her skin, Ellie shouted, "Readysetgo!" and dumped it on Anna, who squealed.

"Gol-_lee_, that's cold!"

"Good, huh?" Ellie regarded her soaking friend, Anna's long hair plastered to her face and neck.

"Hang on," Anna murmured, peeling her hair away from her skin and pushing it behind her back. "Again, and right on top of the head this time."

"It was on the top!" Ellie protested, vigorously plying the handle of the pump and pausing to take a breath when the water finally gurgled up from from the spout. "Alright, here's goes," she said, hoisting the bucket aloft again and pouring it over Anna as she squeezed her eyes shut and let the water run throughout her hair.

"Better!" Anna congratulated. "Last one." The final gold of the sun glinted on Anna's shining skin, slick with droplets of water, and wonderfully, deliciously bare. She had curves in places Ellie never thought twice about, and her figure proclaimed softness and beauty from the tiny lines at the front of her armpits where her arms joined her chest, to the deep indentation of her belly button and the shadow between her fuller breasts.

"Ellie?" Anna regarded her with a funny look, and Ellie caught her breath, realizing how unabashedly she'd been staring. She lifted guilt-filled eyes to her friend's and Anna's gaze softened somewhat. "Hey, do this one over my back," Anna said quietly, and Ellie nodded silently, plying the pump until the bucket was full. Anna bent over, bracing her hands on her knees, and Ellie slowly poured the water up and down the expanse of flesh, the sound of the excess water hitting the concrete the only noise in the twilit yard. When the bucket was empty, Anna stood still for a moment, her eyes closed, savoring the feeling of the final droplets rolling away from her skin and Ellie, in a sudden motion, threw herself across Anna's back, gripping her in a desperate hug.

Anna straightened, and turned in Ellie's arms, and the two held each other close, Anna's wet skin seeping damp through Ellie's tshirt, as they lay their heads on each others shoulders and stood still for a long time.

"Your turn," Anna said, giving Ellie a gentle shake. Ellie clung to her, and murmured hoarsely:

"I like you so much."

"I like you too, Ellie," Anna said, giving her a squeeze. "Come on, take off these old clothes and get clean. You'll feel better."

Nodding childishly, Ellie sat down and unlaced her shoes, peeling off her socks and standing, turned her back to step from her jeans and pull her tshirt off over her head. There was a click as Anna turned on the electric light fastened to the fence, and then the sound of the pump being raised and lowered as Ellie turned back around in the semi-darkness, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

Anna looked up and regarded the girl. Her bra was ragged, and a looked as if it used to be a blueish color, now faded to a dirty lavender. Her underpants too, were unraveled and worn, hanging loosely from her small pelvis. Ellie's legs were fair, and dotted with freckles, as was most of her skin, and her arms were wiry and muscled, striving to hide her breasts only recently beginning to swell with the additional changes her body was undergoing. Her belly was distended and pale, a gentle curve of tight skin holding a new life within the walls of flesh and muscle. The girl kept her face tipped down as she removed one arm from her chest and used her free hand to pull her ponytail down, veiling her face and neck in the strands of light brown hair.

"Come on, girlie," Anna said kindly. "Ready for your shower?"

Ellie nodded, and made her way over to the slab. "Don't look at me," she mumbled. "Just get it over with."

"Why not?" Anna said, putting a hand on Ellie's shoulder, and looking her in the eye. Ellie rolled her eyes.

"I look dumb."

"No, you don't. You're slender and pretty."

"I don't have boobs, only a belly," Ellie whispered, clamping her arms around her rounded stomach. "It looks stupid."

"You don't have boobs? Then what're these?" Anna brushed a hand over Ellie's bra, and she sucked in her breath, the flesh more sensitive, more tender to the touch than ever before, even through the fabric.

Ellie managed a foggy smile. "Fine. But stop looking at me, you're making me embarrassed."

"Why?" Anna's voice was low.

"Because I don't look good naked."

Anna shook her head, her eyes shining in the glow from the electric light. "I think you're beautiful."

Ellie gave a tiny snort. "You just say that because you're my friend."

"No." Anna'e gaze was earnest. "This is pretty." She put her hand under Ellie's chin and lifted it, looking at her round face, her small nose and large eyes. "This is perfect." She tugged the strap of the small bra supporting Ellie's bosom. "And this," she spread her palm over the firmness of her belly, seeping warmth through the skin, "is beautiful."

Before Ellie knew what had happened, her mouth was upon Anna's and her arms around her waist, crushing their bodies together, backing Anna up with faltering steps into the house, their lips travailing at the others', their uneven breathing filling the night air. Skin against skin they held each other, Anna's hands gripping Ellie's sides, finding the curve where her hips met the swell of her stomach and stroking there, Ellie's hands tangling in Anna's hair, feeling the soft damp waves against her skin, touching the velvet softness of her chest.

As suddenly as it had happened, Ellie jerked away, a wild fear in her eyes, and she stepped backwards, nearly tripping on the forgotten bucket. Anna regarded her with a shocked gaze and rumpled hair.

"Ellie?"

"I'm – so sorry..." Ellie choked. "I didn't mean –"

"No, it's okay," Anna reassured her, approaching the girl, her arms outstretched. "It's fine, I don't mind."

"I do, I don't want this to mean nothing like it did with Matt," Ellie said, her words rushed. "I know there's no going back –"

"It's okay."

"There's no going back –"

"Ellie, it's okay."

"There's no going back..."

Anna enveloped the shaking girl in her arms. "It's okay," she whispered. Ellie gradually relaxed in Anna's embrace, and then pressed a warm kiss to the side of her neck. Anna smiled and lifted a finger, leaving Ellie for a short moment to go inside and grab a blanket, spreading it upon the damp ground, and beckoning for Ellie to join her. Lying side by side, Ellie stroked Anna's hair back from her face, and slowly, ever so slowly, Anna reached behind herself and undid the clasp on her bra. Ellie couldn't bring her gaze downwards, she was too afraid, so she simply looked at Anna's face and did the same, pushing their bodies together, and feeling the beauty of it. Ellie tangled her legs with Anna's, holding the girl close to her, and Anna gasped, Ellie's skin upon hers, both her small bosom and her bare belly, feeling within her the gift of warm shifting life. For a brief moment, Ellie had a thought of the past: _Riley._ And then Ellie touched Anna everywhere she had always wanted to, eliciting sounds of pleasure, and the most superb feeling of happiness she had yet experienced in life.


	30. Chapter 30

"What in the _world _did you think you were doin'? Huh?" Joel's eyes blazed as he looked at Ellie. "Bein' stupid just to make my life harder?"

"I wasn't being stupid, Joel," Ellie began, but he cut her off.

"Oh, you were bein' smart? Tell me, how is that _smart_? Foolin' around with a girl like that?"

"Joel, I like her."

"Oh, I bet you do." His gaze was hard. "What in the world gave you an idea like that?"

"I've never liked guys, I like girls!" Ellie exclaimed.

"Since when?"

"Since forever!" Their voices were rising. "Riley, my best friend, who _died_ instead of me – we were in love."

Joel snorted. "You were what, twelve?"

"Fourteen – and Anna and I didn't know what we were doing! We just –"

"Oh yeah? And now you're sixteen and you still don't know!"

Ellie's face was firm. "I'm in love with Anna."

"You," Joel pointed a finger, "were in love with Matt. You 'bout died when that stuff happened to him."

"He was my friend."

"And the father of your goddamn child!"

"And it was my fault that he died. I didn't know I could spread the infection like that."

"Real bright, then, Ellie, so go suck face with somebody else you care about and maybe infect them too," Joel muttered. Ellie stood to her feet.

"Hey! I don't have to take this from you!"

"You'd better watch out, little missy, you're headed down a mighty dangerous road."

"Why." Ellie's face was hard.

Joel took a deep breath. "Does this girl like you?"

Ellie hesitated. "Yes."

"Like you like her?"

The girl nodded. "Yes."

"You two think you can spend your lives together, be just like any other couple?"

"Yes!"

"The world don't work that way! We need offspring - kids."

Ellie gestured. "Boosh. All yours."

"There ain't no way anyone's allowing this," Joel growled. "I ain't allowing it."

"Well, guess what!" Ellie's voice was rising in pitch. "What if we don't _ask_ anyone, what if we don't _ask _you –"

"Ellie." Joel lifted a hand. "Go and get Anna."

"What?" She blinked.

"Anna. Your friend, go and get her. I want her in this conversation."

Ellie murmured something that involved multiple swear words that Joel didn't quite catch, and stormed out of the house. Joel heaved a deep sigh, and ran a hand over his face. He was not prepared for this. Standing at the window, he saw Ellie come stalking back across the compound, Anna in tow, and heard their words as they mounted the stairs.

"What if we just –"

"_No_, Anna."

"I'm just saying –"

"He's not gonna listen."

Ellie shoved open the door and stood there, gesturing grandiosely. "Ta-da." Her voice was sarcastic; it stung.

"Hi, Anna," Joel began, a bit more kindly. "Sit down."

Anna took a seat nervously on the edge of Ellie's bed, and Ellie did the same in the windowseat. Joel cleared his throat. "You two know what's goin' on ain't gonna last."

"What's going on?" Anna asked in a small voice.

Joel's face took on an odd expression. "Whatever you call... last night."

"Showering," Ellie deadpanned.

"That's how it started," Anna began, but Ellie interrupted her, "No, it started because I really liked Anna, and she liked me back."

"Is that true, Anna?" Joel regarded her mildly. "Do you love Ellie?"

Anna looked at the ground for a long while, and a small strangled noise escaped – Joel looked up to see the noise had been drawn from Ellie, whose face was pale.

"I really like her," Anna whispered. "And last night was really nice."

"'Really nice'," Joel echoed. "Hear that, Ellie? Girl talk for 'ain't gonna last'."

"I didn't say that -" Anna began, and Ellie regarded her with a haunted look.

"You know I love you."

"I know, Ellie, and I really like you too, but –"

"How come you encouraged me?"

"I didn't – I was just trying to be nice, and I didn't mind playing around, especially –"

Ellie rose with a gesture of ferocity. "You sick, twisted –"

Tears slipped down Anna's face. "I love you, Ellie. As a friend, maybe more, but I can't –" she broke off.

"Can't what?" Ellie demanded, her voice cracking.

"I can't be with you forever, you know, we're just two girls, and –"

"Get out," Ellie growled, her voice low in her throat. "Get out!"

"Anna, why don't you go home now," Joel said evenly, catching Ellie's arms as she advanced, hands clenched into fists.

"You led me on, and I'll never forgive you!" Ellie screeched, tears springing to her eyes and beginning to escape down her face. "I thought you loved me! I thought you could love me!"

"Ellie – Ellie... shh..." Joel wrestled the girl into subjugation as Anna fled; he pinned her arms to her sides and held her fast in an embrace as she wept into his shirt, hot, strangled tears wracking her from the depths of her very being.

"Ellie –" Joel said at last, pushing her away and looking into her face. "Sweetheart, look at me."

She shook her head, and continued to silently sob, the tears flowing freely down her pale face.

"Look at me."

She lifted her eyes, shining through the tears.

"I want you to take a nap, okay? We'll talk more later."

"I don't want to take a nap," she protested, her voice hoarse. "I just want Anna."

"You can't have Anna, baby," Joel said gently.

"Riley's gone, because of me," she choked. "Matt's gone, because of me, Anna's gone, because of me –"

"That ain't true."

"Yeah." Her shoulders shook. "Yeah, it is."

"Oh, baby girl." He held her close. "You've had it rough. We all have – but you've had it real rough." He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her into his arms.

She hiccuped into his chest for a long time. "I thought..." she managed at last. "I thought that maybe Matt would help me with the baby. That we could, you know, share." She sniffed wetly. "And then, I thought, well, maybe Anna and me could..." Ellie broke off and clung to Joel, tipping her face up. "Would you stay with me? Would you help me with this, I can't do it alone –"

"I'll always stay with you, baby girl," Joel said in a husky voice. "I'll do whatever you need, you know that."

"You won't leave me –"

"I won't leave you."

Somehow they ended up lying side by side in exhaustion, Joel's strong form curved about Ellie's, his arms encircling her, protecting her as she slept.


	31. Chapter 31

Ellie awakened to find that Joel was still there, one of his arms folded back beneath his head, the other resting protectively on her side. She rolled over, moving his hand as it dragged across her belly, and replacing it on her side once her back was to him, and rubbed her face in the pillow, wriggling herself backwards until her mind caught up to her waking state and she remembered. _Anna._ A string of disjointed swearing followed in her mental train of thought. Then she wished she was asleep again, forgetting. Forgetting was best these days. She raised a hand to rub her face, feeling the tender puffs of swollen skin which were still very much present beneath her eyes. Releasing a sigh, Ellie edged her way back even more into Joel. He let out a disgruntled sound and cranked open an eye.

"What're you doin'?"

"Squirming," she returned in a husky voice, clearing her throat and trying again. "Wishing I was still sleeping."

"Hm. Me too. Lie still, and you'll drift off again. It's early."

She sighed, and shifted, tugging the pillow more toward her right side, only to squish it back again.

"Ellie..." Joel mumbled.

"What?"

"Lie still."

"I'm trying..." she returned in an exasperated whisper.

"Try harder."

She cursed, and had half a mind to elbow him, but the combination of the early hour and the residual exhaustion of her sorrow enforced passivity, and Joel very nearly was pulled back into the oblivion of sleep when he felt the bed shift again. He flexed his hand, poking a finger into whatever part of Ellie was nearest.

"Hey," she hissed. "Watch it."

"Are you gonna let me sleep?" he began, his eyes still firmly closed.

"Move your arm," she mumbled, tugging against him. "I wanna get up."

"No." He clamped her gently, but firmly down.

"Joel..."

"Ellie, I'm tryin' to sleep. You should too."

"Joel, I've gotta pee! Let me up."

He heaved a sigh and obediently released her, hearing Ellie swing her legs over the side of the bed, making quiet grunting noises as she quickly but gingerly made her way to the bathroom. "Holy crap, why do you do that..." he heard her whisper, and he could only assume it was to the growing child inside who must have shifted onto her bladder.

When Ellie emerged a few minutes later, Joel was nowhere to be seen, but the door was open, and so she drifted downstairs, dragging herself along the wall all the while, and sighted him through the living room area opening cabinets in the kitchen.

"Breakfast?" she said hopefully, and he turned.

"I think so. Maria and Tommy are out, so we're on our own."

"_Sweeeet_!" Ellie grinned, crossing the floor, and petitioning, "Sugar in the oatmeal?"

"I thought you didn't like oatmeal."

"Heck, I like anything if you put sugar in it."

Joel chuckled. "Alright. But only a little. Can't have Maria gettin' on to us."

"Or worse, sending us out on another long haul," Ellie said, rubbing at her eyebrows. Joel turned with a perturbed look on his face.

"Now, just last week you were whinin' about how you hadn't gone on a run with me in forever. I thought you were gettin' all cabin-fevery–"

"Hey, I can't change my mind, can't I?" Ellie returned, getting to her knees and pulling two bowls from a lower cupboard. Joel watched her as she pulled herself up again with an unladylike noise, one eyebrow raised.

"What gives?"

"I dunno," she shrugged. "I guess I just sorta-" She broke off, one bowl in place on the table, the other still in her hand. "...This is gonna sound really stupid."

Joel nodded. "Alright, then. Shoot."

"All the sudden, I'm like – what if something happened. Like – to me. It would hurt the kid too, wouldn't it? And it would totally not be its fault, and that's not fair, so I guess I feel like I should play it safe." She shrugged. "Dumb, I know."

Joel's back was to her as he poured the dry oats and rationed in the sugar.

"Doesn't sound dumb to me. Sounds like you care about the baby."

"I mean – it's inside my freakin' stomach, we're sorta stuck with each other, at least for a little while longer," she mumbled, her cheeks pinking slightly.

"Ain't nothin' to be ashamed of. You want to protect the things you care about. Sounds smart."

Ellie was regarding him with a fixed look. "How much longer is it gonna be, Joel?" Her voice had gone nearly airless. He replaced the twist of wire on the bag of sugar, and turned to see her, leaning against the table, her eyes large, and seeking his.

Joel ran a hand backwards through his greying hair, and turned back to the cupboard, opening another door and looking at the piece of paper taped within.

"Wait a second – Maria made a chart?" Ellie said, releasing her grip on the table and crossing the room, peering at it. There were a list of months written on the wrinkled paper, seven of which had been crossed off. "So... what does that mean? Isn't it supposed to be nine months?"

Joel's finger hovered by the eighth month. "Pretty soon," was all he said.

They ate their oatmeal in silence, Ellie doing her best to keep her thoughts away from Anna. By the time they had finished, she was fighting back tears.

"Ellie, you want to do somethin' for me?" Joel asked softly.

She sniffed, and shrugged. He grabbed both their bowls, seeing that Maria still hadn't made her appearance, and plunked them into the sink. "Maria and Tommy will be back later, I guess. I think you and Maria should talk – you can ask her more about her chart if you want." Ellie listed her head to one side with an expression of defeat. Her thoughts were overtaking her. "I'm gonna go get that little shaving kit you found me, see if you want to lend me a hand."

She dragged her gaze up to his. "You want me to do it like the old days?"  
He nodded. "Like the old days."

Joel returned in fairly short order and pulled out his chair, gesturing for Ellie to pull hers nearer. It was unspoken that Ellie would rather stay inside; she wasn't up to running into anyone, least of all Anna. If Joel's suspicions were right, Maria was over there now. Sweeping the clippings outside was an easy enough task.

Ellie zipped the kit open and pulled out the tiny scissors and comb, her face a mask of stillness as she hitched her chair even closer until their knees bumped, and mumbled, "Alright, look up." Joel willingly tilted his chin up into the air, and Ellie' small fingers pushed the hairs this way and that, beginning to snip his beard into some semblance of tidiness, her pupils dilating as her concentration grew.

"Ellie," Joel said at last.

"Hey, I'm doing the weird little part in the middle," she said, yanking the scissors back from the dip between his upper lip and nose. "What?"

He took a deep breath. "I've got somethin' for you. Somethin' I should have given you a long time ago."

She furrowed his brow. "What is it?"

"Finish up, and I'll go get it."

"What _is_ it?" she repeated, somewhat suspiciously.

"Finish up," Joel returned, and she sighed, returning to her task, her small hand on his jaw guiding his head into the proper position as she snipped the last hairs that needed tidying. She brushed her fingers through his now carefully-trimmed beard, freeing the clippings, and flicked at the loose pieces on the thigh of his jeans.

"Yow got some hairy knees, man..." she drawled, her smile crooked. He aimed a gentle swat at her.

"Lemme go get it."

Ellie found the broom and brushed the bits from the chair to the floor, sweeping them into a lopsided pile, pushing a few pieces through a knothole in the floor with the toe of her shoe. She heard Joel's footsteps return just as she zipped up the kit.

"I guess I should let you read it," Joel murmured, extending his hand. The girl went to him, her brow furrowed, as she accepted the water-warped envelope. Extracting a piece of faded notebook paper, Ellie unfolded it and eased herself to a seat in Joel's chair.

"_Dear Ellie,_

_I don't have any idea when you will be reading this, or if you ever will, but I want to write it all the same, if only to keep my promise to your mother, and to keep my conscience clear. Clear of any wrongs toward you, at least. Your mother wrote you a letter the day before she died. I suspect you have it, and hopefully have read it many times. She loved you very much. You look just like her. You see, I wasn't just keeping you away from me out of selfishness, I was doing it out of kindness. Anna made me promise to keep you safe, and the best way was to give you to the military. I've been looking after you all this while, just from a distance. The Fireflies aren't something a kid needs to be raised being a part of. Then you and the Abel girl hit it off, and I knew it was only a matter of time. I've been looking after her from afar too,but the little daredevil was set on joining us._

_This is a big secret, Ellie, but I think it is one you deserve to know. I know how you felt toward Riley, even if no one else noticed. I've seen that look in someone's eyes before, that blind adoration, and I know it, because it happened to me. I never knew your father, and Anna never spoke of him – he up and left just as soon as she figured out she was pregnant. He was a soldier, that much I know. I have a feeling that if we had known each other, we wouldn't have gotten along real well. I never was much like most people, all the stuff that was expected of me I never did, and all the stuff that no one expected from me, I set my heart on. I loved Anna. Loved her with everything I had, and everything I was. When she was alone, before you were born, I looked out for her, and promised to take care of you both. And when I failed, and she got bit, it just about killed me what she asked me to do. _

_Thankfully, you were born soon enough that she hadn't started to turn much at all. She was so worked up, the delivery was hard. You were so little, such a skinny baby, with hardly any hair. "What a weak-looking thing," she said. "Do your best to take care of her." She named you, and then she wrote your letter. And then I shot her. She told me to, so with you crying from the pile of blankets in the corner, I laid her down in her bed and she closed her eyes, and I shot her through the skull like any merciful person would have. I couldn't watch her turn, and hurt someone else, and she wanted it this way. She begged me, and I gave in. I still wake up in cold sweat on summer nights remembering. _

_Survive, Ellie. Above all, survive, and live for love. Don't you let anybody tell you how to live your life. Your life is the only thing that's really yours, so do it good. _

_Marlene"_

Ellie looked up, tears blurring her vision, a sob caught in her throat. "Marlene wrote this?" she whispered. Joel nodded, his face sober.

"I'm sorry I didn't give it to you before this. I was hangin' on to it. I don't know why. Maybe waitin' for the right moment-"

A knock on the door interrupted Joel's poorly planned speech. He stopped short, dropping his head for a moment, before muttering, "I'll get it." Ellie ran her eyes over the paper one more time, resolving to read it again, and soon, and savor the words more, perhaps even question Joel further, but focused for the moment on clearing her throat somewhat noisily.

Joel pulled open the door to see Tommy, but he was not alone; the figure that accompanied him caused Joel to swing it in on it's hinges until only a gap barely big enough for his face remained.

"Tommy, what the h-"

"Just let us in."

"No." Joel cast a backward glance over his shoulder, and hissed, "Do you realize what you're doin'? Bringin' somebody home like a stray pup, except this is the pup that almost bit the baby's hand off?"

"Stop with the metaphors, that ain't you," Tommy returned in an irritated tone of voice. "Just open the door."

"And let him in? What-" Joel stopped short, inhaling a deep breath through his nose and squeezing through the gap, closing the door behind him. "What are you doin'?"

"Givin' him a place to stay."

"Yeah, but does it have to be your place? Our place? Maria, _Ellie's_ place?"

"Joel, look," Tommy returned, spinning the figure around, displaying a pair of hands ziptied so tightly together the skin shone white in a band above and below the plastic. Joel released a short growl.

"And his legs? What about when he decides to run off, find his buddy, get himself loose -"

The boy spoke for the first time. "I can't run." His voice was devoid of any agitation whatsoever. "Look if you want."

His gaze lingering on Tommy's, Joel squatted and grabbed the pants leg of the young man's jeans, yanking it up to expose a thin calf, a shinbone laced with scars. "What happened to you?" he demanded, pawing the other one up and seeing similar patterns of scars.

"Born that way. Lots of surgeries let me walk at all, there was a doctor in our zone when I was young. I'm not fast," he continued doggedly. "And I make a crap ton of noise. That's what James always said."

At the mention of the name, Joel straightened, getting one step closer to the boy, their chests almost touching, though Joel was a full head taller.

"What don't we talk about James, hm? And what was the other guy's name? The one that locked my girl in a _cage _and tried to-"

"Joel," Tommy barked. "We've already been through this. He had nothing to do with it."

"But he was with them. One of them."

"James was my brother, but there's little love lost between us." The young man cringed as if regretting his own choice of words.

"Maybe we should discuss this first, in private..." Joel muttered to Tommy, but Tommy retorted:

"Nothin' to discuss, we've been through it all. Chewed the fat, and chewed it some more until it almost tastes like Copenhagen long cut." Joel raised an eyebrow in spite of himself.

"Don't you get on to me about my metaphors, then."

"Point is, other man is still tied up. Won't talk, don't know a thing about him. I left him in the office. Reuben here, he's told us everything. I think he's harmless."

"You just believed him?" Joel's voice was incredulous. "Whatever sob story he told you about his life, his brother, bein' the runt of the litter-"

"That's pretty much it," Reuben cut in. "Runt of the litter. David bossed James, James bossed me. And Phillip, and Jeffrey, and Eugene and Don. All of 'em bossed me, I was everybody's errand boy, punching bag... whore." He looked up with steady eyes, meeting Joel's gaze. "I hated them, I hated what they did to me, but I hated more what they did to the others."

Joel held the gaze that sought his for a long moment, tearing his eyes away at last and croaking, "Did you – did you ever-" He inhaled deeply, hoping not to have to finish this sentence.

And Reuben looked steadily back and answered, "Yes. Once. When they tricked me. I threw it up afterwards."

Tommy stared at his brother. "See. I don't want him in the office building anymore, not with the other man. But I can't have him roaming the streets yet, so I brought him here. That okay with you?" If irony was layered into the words, Joel let it slide.

"Alright, but keep him tied up," he said at last, reaching for the handle behind him and opening the door. "And let him know that one wrong move-"

"I know." Reuben's chest rose and fell with a sigh. "Tommy already told me. A bullet through both temples, one of them probably from him, and the other one either from you, or from the girl."


	32. Chapter 32

_ A/N: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! Life is_ happening_, but thanks so much for sticking with me this long. This new chapter is dedicated to Lumy12, who sent me the kindest re-review just as I was editing this draft. Thanks, love, for not giving up on me! Anyhow, apologies for the wait, and enjoy :)_

It looked like late fall, if only judging by the irregular color of the trees, some of which were nearly bare already, and by the leaves that strewed the ground, clinging to the edges of the roadside where it met the grass, lining ditches and mounding in heaps against the north sides of trees. The sound of his footsteps was loud, even louder than usual, which somehow irked him, even though he remembered that falling leaves and the crunching that accompanied a walk through them used to be one of his few joys. Some people's stride was a steady beat: thud, thud, thud, thud, like a marching band. He preferred to think of his more like easy-listening jazz: tha-thunk, tha-thunk, tha-thunk, tha-thunk. He could almost hear the raspy croon of the saxaphone in the background. It was the only type of music he'd really heard, as the raided record supply must have been mainly comprised of the hoardings of a collector. But it was nice nevertheless, soothed the pain that wrapped his legs ever since he could remember, filled his ears so that he didn't have to hear the shouts and fear when his brother would come in, yelling and breaking things just so he'd feel better about having to pull more than his share.

The sun was bright, catching on the lighter leaves, the one that shone the color of lemons. Gosh, how he missed lemons. He'd had one once, had paid a fortune for it from one of those smugglers who went between districts salvaging what they could. Apparently they'd found a tree in the backyard of a house in the country and picked them there. It was so sour it made his entire face feel crumpled in like a Dixie-cup, but it was so good, the tingle down his throat, the slight hint of sweetness if you could manage to pop just one tiny particle, just one tine pip with your teeth. He'd made it last two weeks, kept it wrapped in piece of cellophane so it wouldn't dry out. James told him to do that. One of his nicer bits of advice. The others, from a fairly early age, Reuben had been fairly sure were anatomically impossible. Then he was proven that some things are hellishly easy – for other people.

The pack on his back was light, the straps didn't chafe his shoulders despite the amount of things they'd salvaged to carry. They. Reuben looked around, but he was alone. It was nice, actually. Easy to get used to. As the sun grew brighter, the leaves started to take on a shiny quality, a sheen that hurt his eyes. Even the sound of his footsteps was dulled, and he limped along in a sort of daze, lost in the undulating high and low of the warm sun's fingers reaching down. And then James was there, tackling him to the road, the asphalt grinding black into the skin of his elbows, smacking him hard on the back of the head. The face leered close to him, the face that people had often complimented, had said proved their relationship to each other, that resemblance he so hated because he saw it when he looked into the mirror, but the words formed by the grinning mouth were lost, the sound blurry like the roar of cicadas in the trees. No matter how hard Reuben fought, it was like trying to move a mountain, his arms were pinned beneath him, his strength seemed nothing. When an arm came up, pressing into his windpipe, cutting off his air supply, Reuben thrashed, his head striking something hard as he came to with a sharp sob, wriggling wildly away from the blanket that smothered him, eyeing what his mind barely processed as having struck his head.

A sofa. The leg of an old-fashioned sofa. The blanket lay in a tangled heap down around his waist and he fell back, rolling onto his side, his hands still tied behind him as he drew in long breaths, trying to calm his dream-fevered mind. A dream. Again. He'd stopped having them for a while, which was good, as anytime he'd wake the others things were never good. But when he was on his own with Al, they'd come back. He wasn't really sure why, but they were back with a vengeance. James was dead. David was dead. He was here, in the settlement on the river, Al was probably here too, still in solitude because he was stubborn. But Tommy – the man had been kind. He'd questioned him closely, but Reuben had nothing to hide. And they'd taken him home. The other man – a brother of Tommy's, it was unmistakable – had tried to stop them, but Tommy had won out. And Maria, the woman with the blonde hair who was Tommy's wife had given him a heated plate of spagetti-o's, and that was tantamount to a peace offering as far as he was concerned.

He took in one last deep breath, feeling his chest expand, and let it out slowly, shifting his shoulders from where they were pinched together behind his back. In a day or so, maybe they'd take them off. He was resolved to be good, and wait. He'd been chained up for longer before.

Footsteps on a set of creaking stairs reached his ears, and Reuben lifted his head, straining his eyes through the darkness, but seeing nothing. Finally, on the bottom step, he saw a pair of bare feet, but due to his position, couldn't lift his gaze any higher without hauling himself into an upright position. A voice cut through the shadows.

"Was all that noise you?"

A girl's voice. He swallowed, and nodded, the sound of his head whispering against the floor a preamble to his actual response.

"Yeah, that was probably me. Sorry."

"What the heck were you doing?"

The feet came closer, but came to a stop several paces away. A safe distance. Reuben used his legs to brace himself, and he pushed up into a sitting position parallel to the sofa, resting one shoulder on the derelict cushion.

"Dreaming," he said, his tone slightly ashamed. "Nightmare, but then I hit my head and woke up."

"Joel usually sleeps there," the girl's voice volunteered. "But he's on watch tonight. Don't know how that's gonna work tomorrow night when he's not."

"I was wondering if I was allowed to get up there..." Reuben mused, but stopped short as the girl entered his line of vision. It was the girl from the gate, the one who had been so angry at recognizing Al... He took in her face, pale in the meager light, surrounded by irregular locks of brown hair, her arms crossed over her chest above a belly that was heavily pushing against the fabric of the shirt she was wearing, and looking nonsensically like she'd swallowed a globe.

"Joel... he's Tommy's – brother?" Reuben hazarded, adjusting his feet once again to brace himself more securely against the sofa.

"Yup."

"Okay. I'm Reuben. I'd shake your hand, but -"

"I don't want to shake your hand," she bit out. "Just stay right there, that's close enough."

"...I was gonna say that I'm kind of tied up," Reuben finished, shrugging again as well as he could. "Are you Ellie?"

Her eyes narrowed. "How did you know my name?"

"I heard Joel say it. He was worried about you."

"Heck, yeah. You're a cannibal, we're all gonna sleep just great knowing you're here under our roof," she jeered in a quiet voice, uncrossing her arms and throwing up her hands for emphasis.

"I'm not like them," he returned slowly. "You don't have to believe me, but I'm not."

She made no response to this, but reached behind her and pulled a piece of folded up paper from the waistband of her pants, the sound crackling in the darkness. "Too dark to read it, it's itchy as heck," she muttered, scratching at the area behind her.

"What is it?"

She looked at him again, jumpy, like she'd forgotten he was there for a moment.

"It's a letter."

"Oh. Who's it from?"

"Marlene."

He nodded as if he knew precisely who that was. Ellie let out a dejected sigh and threw herself into the wingback chair by the fireplace, keeping one eye on the young man who was tied up in the floor in front of the sofa, fingering the paper.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," Reuben said at last. "I'm sorry I woke _me_ up, actually, but-"

"'S fine, I wasn't asleep," Ellie mumbled, waving a hand before propping her face on it.

"Because of me?"

"Don't give yourself so much credit," she scowled.

Reuben tilted his head. "Because of..." He nodded toward her, eyes indicating her swollen stomach.

"I'm getting used to it actually, either that or tiredness wins out," she shrugged. "Just the letter. Not every day you get a letter from someone who knew your mom. Talking about stuff you wished you'd known sooner. And knowing you've screwed up so bad you probably can't come back from it. Just... great crap like that."

Reuben sat in silence for a long moment, the various facets of what she said bouncing around inside his head. "Sounds like loads of fun," he murmured at last.

"Yeah," she returned, rubbing a hand over her face. "I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"Me either. But I've got to say it's not quite as fun as being ziptied to a couch. Add that to your list and maybe we'll be even." His tone held a slight note of teasing to it.

Ellie narrowed her eyes and let out a small scoffing breath. "Even? Yeah, like what do you have to complain about? Living in the woods, yeah, but there's no infected, just bandits. Having to smell the other guy when he walks upwind?" She snorted. "Not that it's a contest, but I think my crap wins."

Reuben winced, stretching his legs out a bit stiffly, the old kinks in the muscles pulling again. "Try me," he said.

Ellie looked dead at him from the shadows. "I already did. Your turn now."

"But was that all?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. Also, my best friend sorta made me want to never forgive her and never want to see her again because she's a freakin' liar. I know, I know..." Ellie lifted a hand. "Sounds like a stupid story." Her voice pinched small. "But it's a really big deal to me."

"Yeah..." Rebuen returned. "Doesn't sound that stupid. What's stupid is people with their sob stories of a clicker almost getting them, of them being without food, running low on ammo, being cold and injured. That's nothing to the stuff in your mind. The stuff in your heart, it's much tougher." The girl was watching him with a fixed gaze.

"You look like you got the short end of the stick more often than you'll admit," she said in a low voice.

"Oh, I'll admit it. Pretty much all the time." In that moment, Reuben wished more than anything that his hands were free, the scratchy cushion of the couch had started an itch that burned like fire on the back of his neck, his shabby overgrown hair tickling the spot and making it even worse. "Was beaten up, screamed at. But the worst part – yeah, it's not that stuff. It's the stuff that lingers in your mind." He held her gaze. "I know what David tried to do to you."

A low growl rose from her throat. "Don't you dare start talking like you _know _me," she began, her eyes nearly glowing in the darkness.

"I don't know you. But I know what he was going to do."

"How?" she spat.

"Because he did it to me. And did it to me again, and again. And James, my brother, for God's sake. He did it too, both of them. The stuff that sticks around."

Ellie stared at him in silence for a long, tense moment, and then finally dropped her head, staring at her lap, her eyes drooping, fingers fidgeting the letter in her hands.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "That stinks."

"Yeah," Reuben returned, dropping his own head. "It's alright, you've been through crap too."

"Sometimes..." Ellie's voice caught in an odd almost-sob. "Sometimes I'm just so tired of it. And then I get mad, but that makes me even more tired, and in the end I just – I just want it to be over. But I can't do that, because other people rely on me, they care about me, and all that."

The young man took a deep breath, contemplating his response. His mind held all manner of pent-up things that he put together in rare moments of solitude, but had never practiced voicing. "S-sometimes," he started, his tongue muddling against the back of his teeth as he struggled to sort the words out in order. This was important, he knew it. For both himself, and the girl in the chair who seemed to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. "Sometimes we feel so much and… and so deeply that… I guess… we just get very tired, in a way that makes us— that makes us unsure what will help us feel better. So we do nothing. Or we get angry. But that takes you just... right back to where you started."

Ellie didn't look up, didn't move a muscle. "Yeah, that sounds about right," she whispered after a long pause. When she looked up, her face was blank of the suspicion so recently harbored there. "Hey, sorry for being a jerk," she mumbled. "Maybe you can talk Joel and Tommy into untying you tomorrow."

A smile pulled at the corners of Reuben's mouth. "Yeah, I can't feel my fingers. At least I can only feel three of them."

Ellie grinned in spite of herself. "Three of them? Which three?"

Reuben pursed his mouth for a second. "My... right thumb and index finger, and my left pinky."

The girl snickered. "Wow. Okay, then."

All this time, they'd both been conscious of keeping their voices down so as not to rouse any of the others in the house. So far, they'd seemed successful, but Ellie knew Joel would be returning any time from watch and somehow thought that he wouldn't' be happy to see her sitting and cozily chatting with their prisoner.

"I'm gonna go back to bed," she said, pushing herself up from the chair and holding in the huffy breath she felt like exhaling. "Joel's gonna be back, you'd better look like you're sleeping too."

The young man nodded, and just before Ellie's feet reached the bottom step, his voice cut through the shadows in a harsh whisper.

"Ellie."

She turned.

"Is Joel..." He swallowed noisily. "Is he going to hurt me? Pretty sure he hates me." His voice stilled to silence again. "Will he..."

"He's not going to hurt you," Ellie said, a tinge of compassion coloring her tone. "Not unless you do anything stupid. He's... good. He cares about us."

"Okay." Reuben nodded, seeming somewhat satisfied, even if the line of tension through his shoulders hadn't relaxed in the slightest. It was something that pervaded the air, something that could almost be felt, prompting Ellie to add, "He really is. Even if he seems kind of... overprotective sometimes."

"Yeah." Reuben forced a smile. "Well, at least he'll be a good father."

Ellie was nonplussed for a second before the scrambled thought finally assembled in her mind. "What the- no. No! What the heck, no... he's not – it's not-"

Reuben's eyes widened as he realized his mistake. "Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry," he stammered. "I just assumed-"

"Gosh, he's like my freakin' dad, that's so weird," Ellie hissed, burying her face in the inside of her elbow. "Why'd you even..."

"Sorry!" Reuben shot back. "I said I was sorry."

Silence reigned, leaving the awkward question hanging out there in the void. It wasn't any of his business.


	33. Chapter 33

_A/N: Speaking of life happening. Stuff and things and normalcy and busyness kept me from updating (general laziness contributed, I won't lie) until yesterday, when I totalled my car and messed up my neck and back. So now that I'm being forced to rest... I'm back to writing. Enjoy the update, thanks for those of you who are still with me :) I have not abandoned this tale._

The heaviness lingered in Ellie's limbs as she dragged herself down the stairs again the following morning, feeling as if she hadn't had a lick of sleep. For whatever ridiculous reason, the baby was like some kind of nocturnal entity these days, reasonably quiet in the day, but doing acrobatic routines all through the night, thumping around beneath her ribs, on her bladder, making the skin that was already tight and itchy even more sore, and aggravating that annoying redness around the place where her belly button had randomly decided to turn more or less inside-out. The sound of voices reminded her that the shirt she'd chosen to pull on wasn't exactly the most fashionable – or decent – of choices, but she was really beyond caring, and gave a last helpless tug at the hem which hit somewhere in the low-middle of the curve of tight flesh overhanging her jeans.

"Morning, gang," she greeted through a yawn, and saw Reuben seated at the table, hands freed, opposite Maria, with Joel in his chair hitched as far away from the boy as possible, his rifle across his knees, no less. Angry red marks flared across the young man's wrists as he spooned up the oatmeal in trembling motions, and Ellie didn't need to ask if sugar was going to be a part of this meal. It wasn't. "Don't all get up and hug me at once," Ellie murmured, pulling out her own chair, the one next to Reuben's allotted seat, and easing herself down with all the grace of an eighty-year-old man, and letting out a huff of relief. "Why's he untied?" She jerked a thumb toward the silent figure.

"Just what I've been askin' for the last half hour..." Joel began in a low growl, but Maria cut him off.

"His fingers were gray. Gray like Ellie's shirt gray." The woman's gaze was piercing as she looked at Joel. Reuben kept his eyes on his oatmeal.

"I don't care about his circulation, I'm tryin' to keep us _alive_, Maria-"

"What do you think he's going to do? Slash our throats in our sleep and roast us up as barbecue?" Maria's tone was brutal, looking from Ellie to Joel. "I'm with Tommy on this one, he's harmless."

"He was with _them_," Joel remonstrated, and Ellie broke in in a complaining tone, "Do we have to do this now? I'm about to die of starvation. Like really and truly die, my stomach was growling all last night when I tried to lay back down."

"You were up last night, sweetie?" Maria queried, turning her gaze back to the girl. "Everything alright?"

"Right as rain, only the creature wouldn't stop doing somersaults and karate-chopping my liver, or whatever it was, but it hurt so dang much. Walking around seems to quiet things down in there, so I just... me and Reuben talked a little."

Joel's hand came down on the lever of the rifle with a hollow clank. "You were up talkin' to him in the middle of the night?"

"I didn't know he was awake!" Ellie protested.

Joel drew a hand down his face, thinking that it was a wonder he wasn't entirely gray-haired and crow's-footed by now.

"She talked to me about her letter. That was it," Reuben broke in, his voice quiet.

"Letter?" Maria's brow furrowed.

"Yeah – just... don't," Ellie murmured, glancing at the young man. "I don't wanna talk about it any more."

Joel was silent at this revelation, but looked between Ellie and Reuben for a long moment. For him, that girl was the canary in the coal mine. He trusted her intuition more than he trusted his own in many ways. And while she didn't have the best track record in trying to find a soulmate, the sheer fact that she'd trusted this total stranger with the information just revealed to her about Marlene and her mother... He released a quiet grunt, almost of approval.

"Is the oatmeal on the stove?" Ellie began hopefully. "And can I put sugar in mine?"

"No, Joel says you did that yesterday," Maria reproved with a quiet smile. "We already got a bowl made for you – under that napkin."

"You all are_ conspiring_ against me," Ellie breathed, pushing herself to her feet and making her way over to the counter, whisking the napkin off of the partially-congealed mass, and taking a whiff. Plain. Plain and starchy sweet, not sugar sweet. "Dangit..."

"You want me, or Maria to start givin' you the health speech?" Joel began, a note of teasing in his tone, and Ellie's eyes widened in mock horror.

"Neither. Please. Or I'll be asking Reuben out for help changing the subject."

"I don't have anything interesting to talk about," the boy broke in with a wry almost-smile. "I promise. I'm the boringest person in the world."

"I doubt it," Ellie returned flippantly, swiping a finger full of the stuff from the edge of her bowl and licking it clean without so much as searching about for a spoon. "You like to read?"

"I like to sing."

"_I_ like to sing."

"Here we go..." Joel breathed out through his nose.

Somehow that silenced Ellie, and she resumed her seat, consuming the rest of her oatmeal wordlessly, feeling the semi-warmth of the cooked grain spreading through her and steadying her bleary vision. The curtain of gloom from the previous day descended again, and Reuben seemed to match her sentiments in his furtive silence, Joel staring the boy down as if he could nail him to the opposite wall with just his eyes, Maria punctuating the ringing silence with the occasional sigh.

"I'm gonna go relieve Tommy," Joel said at last, handing the rifle to Maria with a purposeful air.

"What's that for."

The man stared wordlessly at the boy.

"Joel, we're fine. I have mine if needed, and Ellie-"

"What, she's gonna break into a sprint and alert the guard if somethin' happens?"

"Hey-" Ellie cut in, her brow furrowing the skin of her freckled forehead into a mass of tiny lines. "I'm still _fast_-"

"You all do what makes you feel comfortable," Reuben cut in. "You can tie me up if you want, but... maybe just with a rope or something. Those zipties kill. Worn 'em enough you'd you think I'd have callouses, but I guess not."

Something in the boy's tone arrested Joel. "You been ziptied before? What'd you do?" His tone wasn't quite accusatory, and Ellie held her breath.

"My brother." Reuben's face was blank. "And the others, whenever I was bein' bad. They'd zip me to the bars in the cages, have their fun, whatever. Or just tie me up all around so I couldn't do anything. Happened all the time."

Maria's face had grown a shade paler. Ellie looked at the table, still processing a bit of this from their conversation last night, and Joel's eyes were very, very still.

"Doesn't sound like we need to tie you up," he murmured at last. "But if you do anything that Maria thinks is amiss-"

"I'll kick his ass," Ellie volunteered, offering a sideways smile.

"Watch your mouth," was all Joel said as he made his way out the door.

Maria could only sit around so long before her action-driven nature tugged her toward the window, and as she watched Earl subside in a fit of sneezes from the parapet, she saw her opportunity. "I'm goin' to make some rounds, check on the fellas," she said, kicking a half-broken plastic basket of assorted clothing items toward where Ellie wrestled her guitar on the floor, strumming a few idle chords and grimacing at the protrusion of her belly and the encumbrance it created in leaning over her instrument. "You want to sort this for me?"

"Not really," Ellie returned with a grin, and Maria pointed a motherly finger in her direction. "Where's Reuben?" She tried to make it sound as idle as possible. Paranoia was one thing that Joel wasn't hesitant to show, but concern... if Maria felt a little concern for the boy and his apparently traumatic history, she didn't let it show. Not yet.

"He's on the porch, I think, he said the house was getting stuffy," Ellie returned, and Maria's eyebrows shot upwards. How the heck... she must have missed something, and hurried toward the door, rifle in hands. Sure enough, the boy was seated on the top step, legs stretched out before him, twisted limb turning his foot inwards as he watched the passers-by.

"Got bored of sitting in there?"

"No... no." Reuben shrugged. "Just, wanted to see this place a little bit. Get my bearings, but I figured you all wouldn't be really crazy about me wandering off."

"You figured right. Joel's still... he's a little overprotective sometimes."

"He your husband?"

"No." Maria squatted, gun across her knees, and lowered one hand to the boards before sitting completely. Earl sneezed again from the parapet, and the sound punctuated the quiet morning air. "He's my husband's brother. My husband is Tommy."

"The guy who was questioning me?"

Maria nodded. "Yeah. And Ellie-"

"Yeah." Reuben's reply was a little too quick for polite interest. "Who is she? Where's the rest..."

The woman was looking at him, listening. "She said she talked to you last night."

"She didn't talk about herself much. If she's not yours, and she's not Joel's, and her baby-" A light flush overcame his face and he scrubbed at it self-consciously with the heel of one red chafed hand. "I just wanna know more about her."

"Listen, Reuben." Maria took a deep breath. "You're a prisoner here, eventually might stay be with the group, but your status isn't upgraded yet. Don't go getting ideas."

"Ideas?" The young man's voice cracked. "About-? No- no... No, no. I don't mean any harm, or anything by it at all, I just... she seems like she's been through hell. But she still smiles and is strong but – she's been through hell. So have I."

"So have we all," Maria returned lowly. "But you're not wrong. That's why I'm cautioning you, she needs a good friend, someone that's not going to hurt her. She's been hurt too many times. When she came to Joel, she'd just lost her best friend. Ellie -" Maria inhaled deeply. "Ellie was in love with this girl. And she was bit, and turned, and I'm assuming Ellie put her down. She never talks about it. She travels here with Joel, they go on, their trip was a bust, and they come back. Ellie's friend was Matt. They... were under some pressure, and got together. He's the father of her baby, but -" Stopping short, Maria shook her head. "I shouldn't be telling you this. It's too complicated."

"No- no..." Reuben's voice was plaintive, turning, dragging his bum leg as his eyes met the blonde woman's. "People always do that, the second they caught me listening, they'd shut up or beat me up or send me off, but they never tell me the truth. Not just straight, and I wanna know."

"Ellie's not fair game if you're looking for some kind of twisted romance."

"I'm not looking for romance," Reuben muttered. "My brother and his buddies used to screw me over when there was no one else around. I'm never gonna be able to do something like that right. I just... I want to understand the people here, and I want to prove myself to you. I want to show you that I'm not like them. First step to that is understanding you all, and why you're helping me."

Maria had gone quiet for a long moment, and then she simply continued. "Ellie's immune. She was bit when her best friend was, but she never turned. Apparently she can infect other people though, we're not sure how. Matt- he turned. He was shot. It was a heck of a lot to go through, especially 'cause she said she didn't love him. Her friend here – Anna... she loved her. But Anna's not like that."

Reuben's face was awash with a combination of emotions that were impossible for Maria to sort out. His face wasn't thoughtfully expressive like Matt's had been, a sort of poetic "before" feel about him. Reuben was guarded, but his eyes flashed truth to anyone willing to look close enough. A product of his past, but unable to hide what went through his mind.

"Ellie's been through a lot. So have you." Maria's tone was quiet. "If you can manage to do it without Joel shooting you – maybe a friendship from a small distance would be good for the both of you."

Reuben let out a long breath. "I never knew my father. I was raised by my mother in one of the rural zones, and so was James. Surgery, blah blah." He gestured. "Made me an easy target for the survivors. I'm not fast, but I was too smart to let any clickers get to me. Smarts don't help you when your brother's like mine though. When the zone burned – and he met David-" The tale became a little disjointed, and Reuben struggled to his feet. "...I'm gonna go back inside now."

"Be careful." Maria's words were sober. "Nothing that'll freak Joel out. Ellie's a thornbush right now, I'd leave her alone."

Reuben murmured something that Maria didn't catch, but the faintest hint of a smile pulled his cheek into a dimple as he limped through the screen door.

The basket of clothing ignored, Ellie was still on the floor wrestling her guitar, slamming her fingers across the strings in discordant riffs and rasping out something that might have passed as music in a bygone era, but which was unrecognizable as any form of talent in this primitive day and age. Looking up, she gave a tiny grin and dragged her left hand down the neck, descending the almost-chord and holding her long note low and brazen until she ran out of air and gave a final strum and a jerk of her head. Reuben dared a few slow claps.

"Wow," was all he said. "You said you liked to sing, but -"

"That was a prime example of why my musical career really and_ truly_ began and ended in the first grade," Ellie snorted, drumming a few fingers on the wooden body of the instrument. "I always wanted to rap. And to beatbox, all that."

"Why didn't you?"

She shrugged. "Just never got around to it, I guess. Do you play?"

"Oh, no." Reuben shook his head. "Left-handed. I tried when I was young, but my brother said I was doing it wrong and broke my guitar. Never got back into it."

Ellie's breath whistled between her teeth. "Geez. Nice brother. But we already established that."

"Yeah," Reuben returned grimly, leaning in the doorway. There was a long pause for a moment, and Ellie took in the far-off, almost listless look in the young man's eyes. "You like the Beatles?" she asked at last, her voice low, hopeful. He tore his gaze back to her.

"Hm?"

"The Beatles. You like their stuff?"

"Is there anyone who doesn't?"

"Joel." Ellie's return was prompt. "He likes country music, though. Can't appreciate real stuff, he's from Texas. It's not his fault."

There was another long silence, and by the time Reuben looked like he was going to say something of his own accord, Ellie had scrambled to her feet, depositing her guitar on the sofa and brushing past him to the front door, looking out with her breath snagging in her throat.

"What-" Reuben wheeled and hurried over as fast as he could manage, and Ellie held out her hand, beckoning panicked silence. The parapets had been abandoned, voices rose in a single shout from the east gate. Hurried footsteps, a few peppered gunshot. Then she heard it, the steady rhythm that had been pounding behind her head, filtering through the beat of her music, the thud of her heart, and the insistent stirrings of the life taking up room beneath her skin.

"Hoofbeats."

"Hoofbeats?"

"Bandits." Her voice was lighter than air, and in a split-second, she had spun, pinning him back against the entryway wall, pistol produced from nowhere and pressed to his jugular. "You _set_ us up-"


	34. Chapter 34

For those of you who are like me, absolutely **_freaking_** out in the wake of Sony's announcement, know that I HAVE NOT ABANDONED THIS STORY and am even MORE determined to finish it in the light of the most recent trailer! I will be revamping the entire story, editing it etc. and most likely changing the rating, as I have spent far too long ignoring my writing and stuff on here.

STAY TUNED !

Lady Vi


End file.
